Pilgrim’s Progress

He is also a very keen angler, having come back to the sport in 1995 following a break of several years. In this regular column he will tell us about his progress as an angler – his thoughts about the sport, what he learns, the fishing trips he makes, the anguish, the humour, in fact everything he experiences as his angling career develops.

Pilgrim’s Progress – read it everyThursday!

The Tongue In Cheek Guide To Specimen Hunting – Part 1

Warning : Before proceeding anyfurther you are requested to read the following :

Any further reading that you may choose to do,is entirely at your own risk. This article contains statements thatmay cause grave offence to those without a sense of humour. If you donot wish to proceed further, exit right now. If you do choose toprogress, the author of this article declares that he will not beheld responsible for any feelings of anger, hatred or violence thatanyone may feel after reading this article. Particularly the latter.And even more so, if it is directed at him.

The author also wishes to state that anyreference in this article to an individual is not based on any actualhuman being, alive or dead. And to clarify the latter, the word deadrefers not just to dead in body, but also to anyone that may bealive, but brain dead.

This article is most definitely X rated and isonly to read by mature, balanced, and reasonable human beings. If youfeel you are in that category, read on…..

The first step to becoming a specimen hunter is to get yourself agood dictionary. ‘A dictionary?’ I hear you say, ‘what’s that got todo with fishing?’. Well, bear with me and I’ll explain further. Onceyou’ve got your dictionary, look up the following words ‘Obnoxious,rude, attitude (as in bad), grumpy’. I could go on, but that’ll dofor now. After all I don’t want to give the wrong impression aboutspecimen hunters, do I?. So, you’ve got your dictionary and you’vefound the words. Now memorise what is written, take it on board, letit settle deep in your soul. Because if you really want to be aspecimen hunter, you can forget about being friendly, polite and goodnatured.

While we’re on the subject of things of an etymological nature,it’s important to realise that how you communicate is also crucial.Clearly spoken and articulate communication is a definite no-no.Grunts are the order of the day. So, when someone walks along theriver bank and greets you, ‘Good evening, Sir. Have you caughtanything on this fine day?’, tell him in no uncertain terms where togo. ‘ Grunt, you beeping nosey idiot, grunt. Go beeping somewhere,beeping else, grunt, before I kick your beeping head in, grunt. Getit mate?’. Of course you don’t really be as polite as that. I’m justwatering it down because this is a family site.

It’s always good to have more than one arrow in your quiver, so analternative answer to the question is to remain silent. In otherwords pretend you haven’t heard the intruder. But just in case hedoesn’t get the message, and asks again, then turn your head slowlyand stare at him. Don’t utter a word, just stare. Have you ever seenthe boxers who fix their eyes on their opponents at the weigh in?Yes? Well, that’s the sort of stare you’ll need to develop if youwant to make it big in the specimen world. And if he’s really stupidand asks again, well, he asked for it. When the police come to makean arrest, you can always claim that you were being harassed. Claimit was a case of ‘rod rage’, you may even get the charge of murderreduced to manslaughter. Yes, the world of the specimen hunter is areal man’s world.

You’ve already gathered that image is important. You need toportray a real hard man to those around you. None of this soppy ‘NewMan’ image for you. The real specimen hunter has never washed up inhis life, wouldn’t know which end of the iron goes where, andwouldn’t be seen dead pushing a trolley round the supermarket. Nexttime you’re at home on a Sunday afternoon, watch Eastenders on TV.Take all the nasty bits of Dan Sullivan, Phil Mitchell and NickCotton (with some Dirty Den and that Scottish geezer Trevor thrown infor good measure), and you’re on the way to becoming a realspecialist.

Being a specimen hunter is all about making a name for yourself.You don’t admit that, of course. In fact, you tell everyone you’rehappy just fishing and catching what comes along. But deep downinside, you have to possess a burning ambition to be famous. You cando this the hard way. By that I mean you can work hard, put lots oftime and money into your fishing, and spend all your non-fishing timeplanning your angling campaign. Or you can do it the quick and easyway.

Next time you catch a decent fish, be prepared. Have on handseveral changes of clothes. Take as many pictures of the fish thatyou can with as many permutations as possible ie different clothes,different background and so on each time. Then, you can releasephotos to the angling press over a period of time. So, instead ofcatching just one 2 lb roach, 10 lb barbel (or whatever), you canquickly start to build up a reputation for yourself. Just imagine theheadlines now…..’Neil Plonker catches his seventh 20 lb pike thisyear’.

But, a word of warning. Bear in mind the four seasons. No, notFranki Valli, but the seasons as in the time of year. Don’t releasephotos of a specimen fish dressed in a T-shirt and shorts (that’s youby the way, not the fish) in December. Also watch out for how greenthe undergrowth is. And don’t forget, even in the worst summer, itdoesn’t snow in Sussex.

While we’re on the subject of clothes what you wear is important.Your attire is a statement that speaks volumes about your position atthe head of the angling community. Do not follow the example of the’pleasure’ angler. You see these types everywhere, dressed in any oldclothes. They’ve even been known to wear trousers that look likepyjamas. Can you believe these people?

Get yourself some camouflage clothes to blend in with theundergrowth. Crawling along the waters edge on your hands and knees,you will be able to stalk your prey much more effectively. And ofcourse, to top it all off, get a floppy hat. If there are a group ofspecimen hunters on the bank, it may look like a cross between ladiesday at Ascot and a Territorial Army training day, but don’t worry. Ifanyone makes any snide comments, give them what for. (We’ve alreadycovered how to do that)

Back to the subject of photographs though. You could always getyourself a large bucket and keep the specimen fish at home, takinghim around from time to time to different stretches of water. Thatway, you aren’t likely to make too many mistakes and be found out.And, of course, in this day and age, you could always use computertechnology to build a reputation for yourself. A quick surf on theNet should throw up enough specimen fish that you can ‘lift’ andsuper impose on a photo of yourself. That way you can become ‘big’without even leaving the house or the office.

Once you begin to make a name for yourself, it’s a good move tostart writing about your angling. The ultimate is when you get yourown book in print. Then you’ve really made it. Until then, try allthe doors you can, to see if any will open. In the meantime a weeklycolumn on an angling web site is a good step up the ladder tofame…..

I think I’ll leave it there forthis week. Check out Pilgrim’s Progress next Thursday as we conclude’The tongue in cheek guide to specimen hunting’. Providing I’mstill in one piece that is…..

The Reverend Stewart R Bloor
Sedgley International Christian Ministries
PO Box 1216, Dudley. DY3 1GW.
Telephone : 01384 – 828033
Web site : www.sicm.org
e-mail : missionscentre@sicm.org