The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

TICKLE TACKLE IS a new and exciting concept for anglers. We all realise that many useful items are developed by anglers for anglers, but are not considered worthy of production by major tackle companies. We take those ideas and present them directly to those anglers who we consider to be experts. We blend sometimes diverse technologies in an effort to ‘push the envelope’ and give you what you deserve – more time fishing, with better designed equipment.

New ideas and strategies are coming on-stream all the time, so be sure to look out for regular updates. In the meantime, please read on to see just a small selection of the fabulous products currently on trial or under development:

An ever-growing range of products, which fall into the category of ”why didn’t I think of that?” Items, which you may have not thought were available, and items that you didn’t even know you wanted:

Armrests – again with bank-stick or seat-box attachments. Left or right-handed, covered in wipe-clean camouflage vinyl. Ideal for giving support when touch-legering. Also available in extended ‘WristRest’ version – helps prevent RSI when using Wag & Mag tactics.

Clip-on Telescopic Sights for catapults. Complete with range finder for super accurate baiting-up.

Worm-matique – Chopping up worms too much like hard work? You need Worm-matique. Similar to the 70’s one-handed vegetable chopper – fits standard bait box. Stainless steel easy clean blades (Warning – do not over-use. 1-2 chops fine, 3 or more will result in worm puree).

Magtrax – will revolutionise pole fishing! 4mm wide plastic gutter which clips all the way along the pole. You simply place maggots in and they crawl along to the end and fall off exactly where you are fishing. (Can also be used for very runny groundbait).

Solar powered extractor fan (Also known as a Fart Extractor) – invaluable for any bivvy. Removes condensation and methane gas build up.

The ultimate fish-finding system. Developed using ‘Star Wars’ GPS systems in conjunction with our German partners – Nettundtaag Gmbh, this system can be tailored to individual fish or entire fisheries. The heart of the system is an intelligent microchip implanted in the fish, which not only identifies individual fish, but also records its position and attitude angle in the water. This will show the exact position of the fish, and head up or head down angle may well indicate the fish is feeding. A 90-degree attitude will normally indicate the fish is being lifted out of the water. A continuous 180 degree reading and constant position will probably indicate the fish is no longer worthy of attention. Fish can either be supplied ready chipped from our own MAFF certified stocks, or your entire fishery can be netted/electro fished and as many fish as you like can be identified and returned.

This system has been further adapted to offer the following added-value services:

‘Webwatcher’. How many times have you turned up a venue, only to find the best swims occupied? With this system you instruct a member of our staff to visit the venue for you. They will be equipped with webcams mounted onto headsets, giving you two-way communications, and using your ‘Locata-matic’ handset you can see if there are any fish in the vacant swims. You will of course be receiving live pictures of the venue through the webcam, giving you instant weather/water conditions. Should you find an ideal swim the ‘Webwatcher’ will camp in it until you arrive.

‘Boomerang’. The perfect solution for loved ones who often get anxious about your return from a session. Having located the perfect swim using the above system, our driver will collect you and your tackle and take you there. Having been chauffeured to the venue you are, of course, relieved of the worry about not enjoying a few drinks, either before, during or after the session. To ensure your perfect safety, we must be able to locate you at all times, therefore you will be micro-chipped to allow us to pick you up no matter where you are. (Please be aware that loved ones have, at times, expressed a desire to go with our driver when you are collected. TickleTackle cannot be held responsible if you are found in the ‘Barmaids Arms’ or some other situation!)

We all like to think we have the fish’s welfare at heart, but when that sad day comes and they pass on to that Great Pond in the sky, what should we do?

Well, see below for our tasteful ‘Final Solution Range ‘- the complete range of products to help lay your piscine friends to rest.

Item 1 – BSFSK £ 17
Basic (bio-degradeable) Shroud and Folding Shovel Kit – Allows you to bury your fish with dignity.

Item 2 – DSFSK£ 22
Deluxe version of the above, with folding cross to mark final resting place, complete with write-on panel for name (where applicable).

Item 3 – SDSFSK £ 26
Super Deluxe version, contains all of the above plus brass effect plaque, and small book of appropriate sayings, to recite at the service.

For those who prefer the option of cremation – our range of bankside equipment, (modified from the very best fish-smokers) may be more in keeping.

Item 4 – VC6SJ£ 75
‘Volcano’ funeral pyre with sufficient fuel for six ceremonies plus glass screw top jars with write-on labels to preserve the ashes.

Item 5 – IK6EJ£ 99
‘Inferno’ kit, as above, larger version and having glazed earthenware jars with brass effect plaques.

Item 6 – VU6BB£ 125
‘Valhalla’ – the ultimate. Inferno kit plus remote control adaptor, to allow ashes to be carried out into the lake on the back of a baitboat. Will deposit remains at the flick of a switch.

We are also making arrangements with a number of venues (Redmire, Ardingley and several football grounds) to allow scattering of ashes – more details soon.

Remember – you more you spend, the more it shows you cared.

Read ‘THE ALTERNATIVE ANGLER’ every Friday!