KEVIN PERKINS


Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

CONTEMPLATING THE IMPONDERABLES

We anglers are lucky because our chosen sport allows us time to reflect on life, and contemplate the imponderables for hours on end. Such thoughts as:

If you have been fishing, without catching a fish, have you just been ‘ing’? This must be the case because many of you return home to your loved ones, and when they ask how you got on, they receive the reply, “I’ve just had the worst ‘ing day ever.”

On the same subject, isn’t ours one of the few sports where we pay for nothing? In almost every other leisure activity you turn up, pay your money and get to do the sport (golf, cricket, bowling, football, tennis etc, etc.). Imagine going to a golf course, paying your green fees and then walking round all eighteen holes (carrying your clubs) without playing a single stroke because all the greens and fairways were being used! I can’t see that catching on. We buy a day ticket, but it won’t guarantee you catch a fish. I say we should have two-tier day tickets, a reduced rate for actually fishing, and an additional charge if you catch a fish.

Communal bivvies


Bivvy City – so why don’t we have a Party Bivvy?
Bivvies – One Man, Two Man (surely should be One Person, Two Person, in these PC days!) Why not Three, Four, Five Person, even Party Bivvies. Judging by the number of you that have to ‘camp out’ together at times this makes perfect sense. One huge bivvy to accommodate you all will stop all that need for shouting across several swims to each other, will save you all the bother of traipsing backwards and forwards all night to top up vital beer supplies. It will also take up less space on the bank so you won’t annoy passers-by or cyclists.

Then there are the list of things that you would now only need one of because you can share, such as:

One Radio or TV tuned to one station.
One Barbecue or impromptu camp fire.
One 72” Landing Net (propped up against the bivvy).
One un-hooking mat (ex-bouncy castle).
One set of scales (35-100lbs, not worth weighing anything under that weight, anything under will be referred to as ‘mid-twenties’).
One litter bin (builder’s skip should suffice).
One Fox Stainless Steel ‘PodLink’ Module. This will allow you to clip together up to nine Rod Pods, giving you a capacity of 27 rods. You wouldn’t want to be too far from your rods now, would you?
Fox ‘Silentnight’ bite alarms. Activation will trigger remote vibrating alarm. Be sure to place receiver where you can always find it.
One JRC Evercozee ‘Sumo’ sixteen leg bedchair for groups of four anglers.
One Baited-up area the size of a tennis court.
One Bait Boat with twin Evinrudes.

Etc, etc.

Complete camouflage

The list goes on and on – the more you and your colleagues save, the more you can spend on those items that you really must have, such as the extended Really Twee range. This now incorporates: Camouflaged rod rest tops, camouflaged weighing sling and net bag, camouflaged bed chair covers, camouflaged underwear, including socks. And now, revealed for the first time – Camouflaged Bait. Following along the evolutionary chain of camouflaged line, then sinkers, there now comes the ultimate Stealth Method – bait that fish can’t see. They won’t know they’ve picked it up until it’s too late. Comes in liquid form for you to ‘Glug and Go’ (Do not shake or stir).

Tackle Trouble

Reels – who designs them? Let’s start with line capacity. Freshwater reel – holds 300 yards of 10lb of line. Why? Unless they have started marlin fishing up at Rutland, the instances of you needing even half that amount of line are nominal, to say the least.

The continuing reduction of line diameters makes the situation even worse. But the trouble is that you have to fill up that spare capacity with something to make the reel usable. How many hundreds of miles of nylon are sitting on reel spools, as backing that will never be used? How many of us take a new reel out of the box and fill the spool(s) to the brim with fresh line before we set off? All of us! Come on reel manufacturers, either give us spools with sensible capacity, or supply plastic arbours to reduce the spool diameter (used to happen with some makes, I seem to remember).

‘Balanced’ double handles – something we have seen on multipliers for years. If it is such a necessary or desirable feature then let’s have it as standard on all fixed spools. Must be as cheap (or cheaper!) to fit a double handle than some of those weird and wonderful ‘folding handle’ mechanisms we see.

‘Baitrunner’ facility. Very handy, but wasn’t it Dick Walker who warned of the perils of line twist when fishing with a slipping clutch? Isn’t a fixed spool reel in conflict with itself when offering two forms of line delivery? (Shades of the old ‘Malloch’ side casters).

Stem Length – Is it not possible to work towards standardising the distance between the lip of the spool and the handle? On some reels you can hardly touch the spool lip when holding the rod, whilst on some others, the bale arm will flay skin from your knuckles when reeling in. No? Must be just me then!!

Read ‘THE ALTERNATIVE ANGLER’ every Friday!

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