The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

After recently sifting through 120 job applications, I noticed that only one person had listed ‘Fishing’ in the Sports/Pastimes section of the forms. Given that the applicants were all male and aged between 17-50-ish, that ratio does not ring true, as there are supposed to be between 1 and 3 million of us out there. Would admitting to be a fisherman be a bar to getting a job? Could an employer be sued for ‘fishism’ if a self-confessed angler is not selected for a position? But thinking further, I reasoned that there was probably rather more than one angler on those applications, so they must have chosen not to reveal their chosen sport – but why?

Is it part of the job application psychology, as employers want ‘team players’ and fishing is perceived as a singular, indeed, insular sport, and therefore the applicant is probably a loner and unlikely to mix with other employees, either during work or even outside at ‘social’ events.

This can only be viewed as persecution of an individual, and a breach of Human Rights. The answer is for all anglers to claim salvation from this discrimination by forming a self-help society, which will be called Anglers Claiming Asylum – ACA for short.

All the recent news articles I’ve seen seem to show that all we have to do is cling to the sides of the Isle of Wight ferry, or a truck crossing the Severn Bridge, and jump off on the other side shouting, ‘Asylum’ and we’re in! (Would probably count if you escape across a drain from the Fens, but technically that is leaving a different world, not a different country. We will need clarification on that point).

Just for making this one small trip, the Government will apparently give you £ 30 a week, which must help soften the blow when buying bait, etc. So why haven’t we done it before? Let’s beat angling apathy once and for all and make sure that each and every one of our oppressed minority gets what is rightfully theirs. Indeed, given official minority status, a whole raft of legislation will fall into place to protect us from harassment and ridicule. We should have our own liaison officers to report any violations, particularly those of us who will no longer have to suffer verbal abuse from partners, and others, such as:

“You’ve set the alarm clock for what time?”

“You’re coming back what day?”

“Don’t you ever do that to my saucepans again!”

“What have you put in this fridge?”

“How long has that flask been in your tackle box?”

“What the bloody hell is that smell?” (Before you go, or after you come back).

“You’re trying to tell me that’s bream slime on your trousers?”

“So you went all day and caught nothing – what was the point of that?”

“Don’t even think about bringing those boots/tackle/clothes into this house!”

”You’re not coming into this pub wearing those clothes/boots!”

But please be careful when joining the Anglers Claiming Asylum as there appears to be another organisation using the letters ACA, so make sure you get the right one. The ‘other’ one is some sort of do-gooder bunch, that get no help from anyone and go round prosecuting people because nobody else will. All they want from you is money and you get nothing in return at all, not even a flag! At least if you give a donation to help the homeless you get a copy of the ‘Big Issue’, and a chance to pat the vendor’s dog.

So there is no contest is there? Sit around doing nothing (apart from fishing), letting everyone else look after you, or stump up the price of a couple of pints of maggots to some bunch who don’t even give you a badge to wear. But be advised that if you go for the first option, eventually there may not be anything left for you to go fishing for.

Just to add to the confusion, a recent newspaper article claims that the ‘other’ ACA has just signed up TV presenter Chris Tarrant. That must be a misprint for the AFA (Anglers From an Asylum), which is a totally different organisation altogether, and has numerous ‘old boys’ who usually prefer to remain anonymous. Then there is that other august society the ASA, which is Anglers who Should be in an Asylum. This particular group are always looking for nominations, as you have to be proposed for membership, for obvious reasons!!!

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Tailpiece

Sunday June 16th

It is Fathers Day and I am fishing with my son. What could be better?

Well, I can tell you what can be worse; getting the phone call from your brother telling you that your own father’s condition is giving cause for concern. He has been in hospital for two weeks and you have been getting regular updates.

I visited last week and received all the usual assurances that he was stable and would pull through. But now the tone is different and you are being urged to call in as soon as possible. I pack up fishing and prepare to drive the 150 miles to the hospital. Now I feel such a coward, even selfish, because I wanted that call to tell me that it was all over, and they would tell me when all the arrangements were made.

I am facing a three hour drive, which gives me time to reflect on the man who introduced me to fishing, by taking me to the Thames when I was about five years old. He encouraged me to go fishing without ever pretending to either enjoy or understand what fishing is all about. His usual comments on fishing would be along the lines of “can’t see the point of sitting there all day doing nothing,” but that didn’t mean he was anti-angling, just couldn’t make sense of it.

Now here we are in the hospital, and I am completely out of my depth. My way of dealing with most things in life is to make a joke, a witty one liner, or a satirical (sarcastic!) comment. Now I can’t bring myself to say anything, I want to say something funny, to break the solemn mood, but this is neither the time, or the place, and I know it. So, I say as little as I dare, just “Goodbye” and walk away.

I would like to take a moment to say a simple “Thank you” to my dad for introducing me to fishing. Now the worst person in the world for remembering birthdays or anniversaries (me) will always be able to remember what happened on 16th June.

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Read ‘THE ALTERNATIVE ANGLER’ every Friday!