The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

The pursuit of our chosen sport often means that we leave our partners at home for long periods whilst we are off having fun. (Well, fishing, anyway!) Do you ever have concerns for your loved ones when you are away? Do you feel at all selfish about your actions, or does your partner send you off with instructions to go out and enjoy yourself?

I think we probably fall into three groups.

Wimp

The first poor chap is only allowed to go if he has done the shopping, cut the grass, hoovered, dusted, and then had to do all his tackle preparation out in the shed or garage. (“You needn’t think you are bringing that bloody mess in here, don’t use up all the bread, or milk, make sure you wash up the saucepans and you had better not have brought maggots within 500 yards of this house!”). He probably has to lie awake until it is time to get up for fear of the alarm clock wakening her, then creep out of the house and push the car well down the road before starting the engine. He had better be back home at the time he was told, he had better not come back smelling of drink, or fish, and all that tackle better go straight back into the shed or garage. And take his boots off before he sets foot in the house, and don’t touch anything before he has washed his hands. If he was lucky enough to be getting dinner when he got home, he had better not be late by so much a one minute, or his dinner will be: In the dog/cat/bin, or in the oven at gas mark 12, or put in the microwave at full power for thirty minutes. If it was either of the last two, he would be advised to open his legs wide when he sits at the table as the plate will burn straight through it – obviously it would be foolish to try and eat it on his lap whilst watching telly.

I well remember once ringing my loved one to tell her I may be an hour or so late back from fishing. (I was forced to stop at a pub on the way home to get a bottle of Evian water, to top up my windscreen washer bottle) “Oh, darling, she said, then what shall I do about your dinner?” I replied “Just pop it in the oven for me sweet thing.”

So she did. It was a ham salad.

Part Wimp

The second group have partners whose attitude to fishing seems to swing between “Oh no, you’re not thinking of going fishing again are you. What about the wallpapering you promised to do, or would you expect me to do it on my own?” This view then goes to the diametrically opposite: “Why don’t you go fishing any more – I’ve never stopped you from going!” You will be confused and forever wondering exactly where you are, and that’s because they have got you just where they want you.

Lucky Few

Now, the last group is in a minority, believe it or not, as their partners treat them in the following manner. His better half will get up and cook him a breakfast at 3.30 in the morning, and do his flask and sandwiches. She will cook him a dinner no matter what time he comes home, even if he falls asleep immediately after eating it. She doesn’t complain if he goes fishing most evenings and weekends during the summer. He has his own tackle room inside the house. Such is his devotion to fishing that he is excused any form of housework or home maintenance, on the grounds that it might distract him from his quarry. He is allowed to use any implement he can find in the kitchen to help with bait preparation, and not bother to clean them afterwards. Every edition of the weekly and monthly angling press is purchased and read from cover to cover to ensure that every single piece of useful information is gleaned. He would never be caught without rod licence or club books, as they are all renewed the moment they are due. His continued patronage and financial support of the tackle industry is probably keeping several companies afloat in these uncertain times. He buys a new estate car because he wants it for fishing, then walks to work, taking the keys with him so that no one else uses it. If any new item of tackle is required, the only justification he has to make is ‘because I needed it’. (Past tense because the new toy is always bought before any discussion takes place!). When fishing in matches his generosity shines through, as he always pays his entry fees and contributes to all the pools, knowing full well that he has little chance of ever winning anything.

So, any of these groups apply to you?

Read ‘THE ALTERNATIVE ANGLER’ every Friday!