BEGINNERS GUIDE TO FRESHWATER FISH
Many of our more mature readers will recall the ‘Observers Book of Freshwater Fish’ as being an invaluable reference guide. Below is a revised and abridged version designed to assist anglers who are just starting out.
Barbel
Not one for the beginner. You will need to belong to a syndicate to enable you to gain access to fish which are large enough to bother with. Failing that you will have to buy lots of specialised clothing such as flat cap, tweed jacket, moleskin trousers and stout brogues. In addition, you may only use split-cane rods and centrepin reels if you are to be considered a ‘proper’ barbel angler.
Bleak
Small silver fish, found in rivers, loved by match anglers, and nobody else. Not even any good as a pike bait, therefore of no use at all. The French had the right idea when the used to mince them up to make fake pearls.
Bream
Sophisticated fish that show a preference for cocktails, although I don’t know how you are supposed to hook a vodka martini…….. might explain why they fight like a wet sack. The good news is that a three-pound bream held at arm’s length away from you, makes for a good picture.
Carp
Very popular fish growing to huge sizes with as yet unexplained location sensor. If placed in commercial carp fishery can be caught by anyone on just about any bait, using any old tackle. If placed anywhere else becomes almost impossible to catch. Can now only be caught using the most up to date and expensive tackle and has the ability to spot the ‘correct’ brand names at 75 yards.
Catfish
‘Size doesn’t matter’ – well with this fish it does! So ugly not even its mother could love it. Mouth like a bucket and will eat just about anything you put in front of it (sounds like some ladies of my acquaintance!).
Chub
This is what you will catch if you attempt to fish for barbel without joining a syndicate or using the correct equipment. Usually has the prefix of ‘not another!’ Rumoured to be shy and difficult to catch – not a view shared by most would-be barbel anglers
Dace
“Is it a big dace or a small chub” is the oft heard cry. Well, if it is a chub that is small enough to be mistaken for a dace, then don’t bother, just chuck it back straight away. If it is a dace big enough to be confused with a chub, then it’s a record breaker. Simple enough, can’t see why anybody should get confused.
Eel
Long and thin, can’t be mistaken for any other fish. Its lifestyle is surrounded by myth and mystery, able to cross over land, traverse half the Atlantic Ocean, and yet still ends up jellied on fishmonger’s stalls.
Perch
Unmistakable striped fish with spiky dorsal fin. Traditionally one of the first fish you will ever catch. Only black mark on his character is the suspicion of it shagging pike. (See Zander).
Gudgeon
An accomplished impressionist will pull your quivertip or float hard enough for you to believe for a moment that is something else. The legendary Alfred Jardine had a soft spot for them, normally between two slices of bread!
Pike
Magnificent predator worthy of any angler’s attention, however most fish between 20 and 30lbs pictured in weekly angling press appear in front of grinning 11 year olds. Will eat anything that is fish, or even smells like fish, or is shiny, or red, or moves, or doesn’t move, so be very, very careful what you put in the water.
Pope (or Ruffe)
Has the ability to swallow things that would make a porn star jealous. Deep throat surgery often required when unhooking.
Roach
Small is beautiful in this case. Roach anglers are very clever. ‘Their’ fish attain specimen size at less than half the record weight. Think of all the other species. 30 lb carp – doesn’t raise an eyebrow. 23lb pike – so? 9lb barbel – yawn etc. etc. But a 2lb roach is a lifetime achievement – apparently!
Salmon
King of the freshwater fish, expensive to fish for, expensive to eat. Only natural predator is some bloke called John West.
Tench
One for the traditionalists, misty June mornings, quivering red top float surrounded by bubbles…….(Crabtree moment!). The motion of the float is probably caused by the bow waves created by your neighbour’s ‘Exocet’ 32oz spod! Apparently the male tench fights harder than the female so you need to choose the appropriate bait to attract them such as Guinness or whisky flavoured boilies – might explain the red eyes!
Trout
Another of those dual-aspect fish. You apparently need, at the very least, a degree in entomology before you are allowed to fish for them. You must study the insect life around you, look for emergers, buzzers and fly hatches, and then select the best imitation you can find. That can sometimes be a screaming pink ‘Zonker’, apparently a type of insect that is found on some trout venues.
Zander
Rumoured to be the result of an illicit meeting between a pike and a perch many years ago, found mainly in the Fens, so cross-breeding theory probably correct. Has neither the looks of the perch nor the teeth of the pike. The French call it Sandra, there’s an idea that will never catch on here, giving fish girl’s names. Whatever next!
Read ‘THE ALTERNATIVE ANGLER’ every Friday!
