The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

With the frantic pace of modern life, is fishing the perfect antidote? Does the chance to get away from it all allow you to unwind and recharge your batteries? With the current pre-occupation with the effects of stress in everything we do, we anglers should, in theory, suffer less because we are able to relax and go fishing.

But is that always the case? Are your fishing trips always carefree, or do you sometimes come back with more problems than you went with? Do doubts creep in even when you are planning the trip – will the weather be okay, will the water level be all right, and have you chosen the right venue? Of course you have all the right bait, but did you get enough? Will you get the swim you want when you get there?

You know that sinking feeling as you stride along the bank, turn the last corner and find the one place that’s really any good is occupied. Then it’s which of the other two or three spots are going to be any good today. Your frame of mind changes completely and the rest of the day seems a waste of time. If you had been fishing in the spot you wanted you would have done so much better than the bloke that is sitting there now, wouldn’t you. All that time spent on preparation and bait, none of it is of any use now. Didn’t turn out to be a relaxing day at all, might as well go home and kick the cat.

All this stress at work, now stress when you go fishing, can’t possibly get any worse, can it? With the way current legislation and court actions are going, let’s have a look into the not too distant future…….

2004 – The Stress Act came into force, and brought the country almost to its knees. People who had jobs were suing their employers for causing them stress just by making them work. Anyone without a job was able to sue the government for the stress involved in trying to find a job. Being invited to attend an interview was likely to bring on almost as much stress as the interview itself. The stress that employers were suffering by the stress claims brought by their employees led them to file claims for stress. The government workers having to process claims from people out of work led them to suffer from stress and so they had to put in claims as well.

People were suffering stress from having to go out shopping, people who couldn’t go out shopping also found themselves in similar stressful situations, so both groups sued the shopkeepers. The shopkeepers in turn, sued everybody for either not going to the shops, or suing them, which is very stressful. Being sued for stress bought about stress on the plaintiffs, so counter claims had to be issued.

Solicitors came under increasing stress, firstly about what to do with the enormous revenues the were making, and not having enough time to spend it because of having to deal with all these claims. Anybody visiting them to make a case was sued for causing them stress. Being sued for just turning up at the solicitors was very stressful, so the solicitor had to be sued.

The police were no longer allowed to arrest anybody as the whole experience was far too stress inducing. In the unlikely event that they would dare to even think you might be required for questioning, they would send you a very nice invitation in the post asking if you wouldn’t mind too much if they came around (at a time most convenient to you, of course) for a cosy chat. And they would bring the chocolate biscuits.

The situation got so out of control the government announced that as 76% of all people in Britain had, or were involved in, stress cases, the law would have to be abolished. As soon as the announcement was made, the 24% of people who were not involved in stress cases promptly sued the government. Their argument was that as a minority, they were now deeply stressed as they had been unfairly singled out for not having anything to get stressed about.

All sounds too far fetched? It might be closer to the truth than we know!

Well, back to reality, as I am actually composing most of this whilst out for a day’s autumn perch fishing on a quiet backwater on the Thames. There are only a few horse chestnut leaves coming down the stream at the moment, not causing any problems at all as my red topped float drifts lazily between them. Seems to be a perfect day.

Wait, was that a bite? Did I miss it? Damn, shall I leave the float there and see what happens, or should I check the bait and re-cast? Have I just missed the only bite I am going to get all day? What should I do?

All this worry is just turning out to be so stressful…….