| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. But he does have a serious side occasionally……. |
MEDYCAL RANGE
TickleTackle prides itself on being the only tackle manufacturer able to respond almost instantly when a need arises. The following radical developments will further show anglers that they really are the company to provide goods and services before you know you need them.
Worried about the number of FM members who have unfortunately fallen ill lately, (and wishing them all a speedy recovery) TickleTackle/Fux have teamed up with a number of medical-based companies in order to provide anglers with cover should they be unfortunate enough to need urgent attention whist out on the banks, miles from anywhere.
To begin with, all Fux bedchairs now have swing out handles fitted at the ends to transform them into stretchers and so allow the stricken angler to be transported without getting up, and will have sockets fitted to the sides to take plasma drips stands, etc. A move other makers will no doubt copy.
Really -Twee Clothing plc have risen to the task with a complete range of camouflaged plasters, bandages, slings and surgical dressings, to allow you to continue fishing if the need is merely to cover a wound to allow you to continue fishing.
Anglers are unfortunate to suffer from a number of ailments which are specific to them. The virulent Stellaphacoccus bug will strike them down without warning, usually after, “But I only (remember having) had three pints, it can’t be the beer.” In order to reassure anglers about their medical well-being, just read through the list below of the services now available:
Firstly there is the self-diagnosis kit, which contains the following:
Fyrstayd – Contains Colour Charts, Mirror and Specimen Analysis Kit – £ 99.99
First, check your eyes against the colour chart – the scale ranges from white, through various shades of yellow, through pink to red. Graduations on chart will indicate a reason for the symptoms you are showing.
Follow this with a similar check on urine sample, again compare results against the supplied colour chart, which ranges from clear through to bright yellowy/green. Again the chart will indicate the probably cause shown by your kidney functions. If both these tests prove inconclusive, then you will need to collect a stool sample.
Use the discreet, asbestos lined receptacle to collect a sample. The attached, sophisticated handheld meter will measure viscosity and exit temperature and will give immediate indications as to the culprit. The scale is marked in graduations from Korma to Phall and everything in between. This will provide a print-out in medical terms (accepted by most employers) that will show you have been the unsuspecting victim of an ‘airborne macrobiotic invasion’, which sounds so much better than the usual ‘eight pints of lager and a dodgy curry’ which tend to account for most Monday’s off sick!
Above and beyond that, we can now offer two levels of private healthcare to give anglers total piece of mind. Details below:
Anglerayd Gold – £ 499 Platinum – £ 999 per month (inc. insurance)
Full bankside health cover means you will be attached by umbilical cord to modified bite alarms. The first monitors pulse, the second heart rate. Additional units can be plugged in for blood pressure, temperature, etc. All will emit a comforting low ‘Beep-Beep’ as long as levels are within chosen parameters. The information is constantly uploaded via satellite link to a monitoring station. Any irregularities will alert a team of trained specialists to uplift you to the nearest medical centre. (Please note, any medical emergency caused by an indicated sudden increase in heart rate and blood pressure which is later attributed to finding a copy of ‘Fiesta’ in your bivvy, will automatically cancel your policy).
For ‘Platinum’ members this will be via helicopter air ambulance, the alarm indicators will deploy an inflatable ‘H’ sign right in front of your swim. Downdraught from the rotors will ensure that the area is free from clutter like all your rods, bivvy, boxes etc, but do not worry as the compulsory insurance cover will provide replacements on a new for old basis.
For ‘Gold’ members, private ambulances (ex army field hospital) will attend. Being finished in camouflage they are perfect for the job. As discretion is to be our by-word we could not let the sponsors plaster these vehicles with logos or adverts. Therefore, instead of ‘Neee-Naww, Neee-Naww’ the ambulance sirens have been modified to sound ‘Booo-Paaa, Booo-Paaa, so that other road users can easily recognise how important you are.
Please note that partners will be advised that convalescence for members of either plan can only take place at a number of specialised facilities throughout country, such as Center Parcs or White Acres. These have the necessary accommodation attached to the therapeutic fishing facilities. This important rehabilitation can only be achieved if you are kept in strict isolation from any outside distractions and a minimum stay of two weeks is strongly recommended.
Please sign up now as spaces on both plans are limited, or register your details at www.tickleandfux.com.
