The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Sad news that the great John Wilson cannot get a showing on terrestrial TV. But, in truth, when you have seen someone catch a fish once, it starts to lose its appeal a bit, doesn’t it? In fact, I am even surprised the satellite channels took it up, don’t they already have a grey bearded bloke with a strange voice going by the name of Rex Hunt? These production companies need to ‘sex up’ angling a little, and introduce some reality into angling programmes. These ratings-winning formulas are well documented by now, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to follow suit.

We’ve seen Wife/Mother-in-Law/Partner swap, Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here etc, etc, where people are put in strange surroundings to see how they cope for the amusement of us watching on the television.

I reckon it’s about time we tried this with anglers. I think the concept has enormous entertainment potential. We will take a pair of anglers from one fishing discipline and make them fish another style for a week to see how they get on. Even better if it could be staged as a match, so our intrepid pair would be up against a couple of experts (all for charity, of course!). Or in best ‘Bargain Hunt’ style, we would send our dynamic duo off to buy all the tackle that they think they will need for the job with just £ 500 each.

The question is, who should be set what task?

Dry Fly wreckers
I think a pair of dry fly, chalkstream specialists should be sent off wreck fishing for conger, let’s just see what that does for their delicate presentation and wrist action.

Luring Carpers
Carp specimen hunters would be set the task of baitcasting with single-handed rods and multipliers. Doubt if that would work though, they would just cast out once and leave it there for the whole day. That would be after tipping all the rest of their lures in via the baitboat, in an effort to pre-bait the swim!

Poling Beachcasters
Pole anglers would be pitted against the elements with a beachcasting session. Having to learn the pendulum after years of just dropping in on the fish will be bound to raise a few laughs.

Commercial Roachers
Devotees of commercial carp fisheries will be asked to go roach fishing at Startops. They will need regular sessions gawping at the cased specimens in the ‘Anglers’ Retreat’ just to remind them what fish look like, because they surely won’t see any on the end of their line during their week there!

Poling Pikers
Pike anglers could obviously be given the task of pole fishing. Judging by some of my experiences, most of them have difficulty seeing a ‘Fishing Gazette’ type bung at ten yards, let alone spotting a bristle-topped pole float hanging off the end of over fifty feet of carbon. Although whether this myopia is particular to pike fishermen, or develops as a result of an alcoholic haze, is, as always, open to question. And sticking plasters to the ready when it comes to baiting up. There is an obvious difference between sticking a size six treble in a dead bait to mounting a bloodworm on a size 24. There will be tears before bedtime!

A shock for barbel anglers
Those current aristocrats of the fishing world, the barbel anglers, would have some jolly sport on the commercial fisheries. Cane rods would be creaking under the corks, those old faithful centrepin reels will have inflicted any amount of friction burns on palms and fingers, safari suits would be drenched in sweat as they try to keep up with the onslaught of carp climbing up their rods. More fish in one day than they will have seen in a lifetime of hunting their particular quarry, how will they cope?

This is what the viewers want to see, people struggling to get on, suggested working title for the programme is ‘Fish out of Water’ – any takers?

ALTERNATIVE GREETINGS
Finally, I would have liked very much to have sent each and every one on FISHINGmagic a Christmas card. However, I now understand that this may offend some of you who are not of the Christian faith.

So I would have to send you each a Christmas card with a scene on it which did not depict anything which could be construed as relative to Xmas. So there will be none of the following:

Angels
Carol singers
Decorated Xmas Trees
Wrapped up Presents
Jolly Fat Santas
Reindeer
Bulging stockings
Snowmen
Starry Nights
Holly
Candles
Robins
Bells
Three Wise Men
Cute Puppies or Kittens
Mangers
Teddy Bears, etc. etc.

So a plain white card it will have to be then. But I can’t put a message inside that can in any way be related to Christmas.

So a plain white card with no message in it will do the trick. Except that if I send it now, it will obviously be meant as a Christmas card because of the time of the year.

So it has to be no cards at all from me, you can see that I wanted to, but I really, really can’t, can I?

I’ll just say ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR’ to one and all on FISHINGmagic and be done with it

PS: Anyone want 12,000 franked envelopes that I accidentally printed off at work?