The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

FLOAT ON

You all know I’m not one to witter on, but I do get puzzled by certain things at times (obvious from most of the articles I write, I know!). Anyway, I read a recent tackle review on the latest must-have, can’t be seen dead with, commercial carp fishery pole. The very mutt’s nuts and we should all rush out and buy one straight away.

Except for one teenie, weenie problem, and that being that at its full length of 16 metres, it is too heavy to hold. The reason it is so heavy is because the section walls are specially reinforced so that it can be used specifically for hauling out carp!

Now, have we reached that point in commercial fishery tackle development, where technology has stalled? Will carp (the most wily and cunning of fish, we are led to believe) soon latch on to the fact that they are safe from attack as long as they don’t come any closer than 16.5 metres to the bank?

But this can’t be the case, because that sort of distance is easily covered by the ‘Baggin’ Waggler’ and ‘Method’ feeder boys, although, I strongly suspect they are probably incapable of casting their loads that close in. All their equipment is designed to operate at 75 yards plus, trying to stop a cast 60 yards short of its optimum range will lead to all manner of complications. Putting your finger anywhere near the line peeling off a spool at that rate to try and slow it down will result in second degree burns, at the very least.

No, the pole manufacturers must be whipped into a frenzy to come up with a solution, and be pretty quick about it; there is an obvious and immediate need for poles to go to twenty metres and beyond. In the meantime, the obvious solution is to buy two or three extensions for your pole, and drill equally spaced 10mm holes along its entire length. In order to maintain a degree of aesthetic uniformity, you could perhaps start with a 12mm drill by the handle and reduce the size of the bit by, say, 2mm every three sections.

This perforated pole would of course, be much lighter. Indeed, because of the holes in the tip sections, they could now be used to squeeze groundbait round, just like a feeder, and hey presto, the method pole is born!

Once manufacturers get round to perforating poles, no doubt they will pick out their names and/or logos with the hole patterns. Of course, with all these holes will also reduce that other bane of pole fishing, namely wind. With air being able to pass through the pole, buffeting will be a thing of the past. In fact, strategically placed holes may well be able to produce tunes in the manner of, say, a flute, enabling you to stroll down to your local tackle shop and order a ‘number seven section in Opus 5 by James Galway please’.

Now, call me stupid, but how is it that the one item, which is placed right over the fishes’ heads, has been passed by in the camouflage rage. If these gimlet-eyed carp can spot an angler on a bank at 120 yards away if he isn’t all camo’ed up, why can’t they see 16 metres of carbon waving about above them? Why aren’t all poles produced in shades of sky blue, or grey, dependant on the prevailing weather, of course? Indeed, shouldn’t all poles follow the same obvious line as items such as the crystal waggler and be transparent?

Of course, we could instead try something totally radical on these commercial fisheries and use a long forgotten art known as ‘float fishing’. Before you all scoff, many years ago BP (Before Poles) this was a technique that used an unfeasible short rod of only thirteen feet (less than four metres, I know, doesn’t seem possible now, does it?) Then there was a thing called a reel attached to hold the line, and these contraptions, in skilled hands, would enable you to sling a float further than any pole will ever, ever, reach.

Not going to happen though, is it? The ‘Academy of Float Fishing’ closed a while ago, not enough apprentices coming up through the ranks to keep it going. ‘No anglers fishing rivers any more’ is an oft-heard cry, usually blaming fish stock, cormorant predation, rivers too clean etc, etc.

Has the flow frightened them off?
I suspect the fact that the water is actually moving has frightened far more young anglers away, and because you have to keep on casting and retrieving, well that’s just too much like hard work. And, not only that, but if you put the groundbait and loose feed in where you are fishing, the current just washes it away, and the fish stocks must be really low ‘cos you don’t even get a bite each cast after all that effort – bugger that!

Sadly, I say, long may it continue! I have never had so much space to fish. No more having to get to the river’s edge before dawn, hoping the ‘best’ swim will be empty. I can have a lie in, get there when I want, wander up and down the river, fishing several different swims, and still go home without seeing another soul.

In fact, on my last river outing, I had a very pleasant chat to the lock keeper, who was so pleased to see an angler that he took the time to come up walk up to the weir with me. There we adjusted the sluice gates, to ensure the conditions in the pool were more suitable for fishing rather than just running off water!

Do I want more people back fishing the rivers, learning how to use floats??…….