| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
TREBLE HOOKED Following on from the previous tale of the twisted love triangle involving fisherman Steve, Sharon and Amanda, I should perhaps relate the following developments. Steve, having been warned off Amanda by having his tackle sold from under him, was not, unsurprisingly, very keen to continue the relationship. However, he had made mention of the story to an acquaintance named Gedd, who was suitably intrigued by Steve’s description of Amanda, and badgered him for a contact number; for business reasons, of course. Steve was reluctant and first, as he obviously still had feelings for Amanda, but he knew that if Sharon, his wife, got wind of anything starting up again, he had only got one set of ‘tackle’ left, and he didn’t intend to lose that! Then he thought that if he have to give her up, he might as well get something out of it. Gedd was a member of a very exclusive syndicate that Steve had wanted to join for years. Perhaps introducing Amanda to Gedd might get his application fast-tracked. Seemed like a good solution to Steve, and perhaps not surprisingly, Gedd willingly agreed to the ‘deal’. Amanda often held business seminars at the ‘Replete Fisherman’, a very up-market hotel and country club on the banks of a local lake. Gedd had contacted Amanda on the pretext of going to a self-motivation course to check her out. He was mightily impressed with what he saw, and when the course was finished, he hung around to talk to Amanda on a one to one basis. Quite a few others ‘hung around’ too and Gedd was about to give up when he finally saw Amanda alone by the bar. He walked up and introduced himself, made all the right complimentary noises about the presentation, and then mentioned they had a mutual acquaintance in Steve. Amanda’s eyes sparkled at the mention of Steve’s name. She told Gedd that Steve had said that he might be able to put a bit of business her way, but he had told her that Gedd was a real old git. Amanda seemed cross. “That Steve was obviously trying to put me off you when he said that. Actually I think you are a rather distinguished looking gentleman, a bit like Leslie Phillips, and I do so like him,” she pouted. Gedd’s ego was really pumped up, and then Amanda said that if he hadn’t got to rush off, they could nip up to her suite and raid the mini-bar. Her client always paid the bill, and it seemed a shame not to make use of the facilities. They went upstairs and made full use of the facilities….. twice. Gedd was very impressed with himself, and rang Steve the next day to tell him a large favour would be returned, without going into too many lurid details, of course; he was a gentleman, after all. Some days passed, and Steve thought he would phone Gedd to see how his syndicate membership was progressing. He didn’t expect the shower of abuse he got, as he certainly had never heard a conversation punctuated by quite so many four-letter words. It would appear that his application was not going anywhere. The reason being that the lovely Amanda he had introduced him to, had brought something else into their relationship, namely a nasty little STD. “Bugger,” thought Steve, that was the fishing out of the window, but even as that thought was going through his mind, a bombshell was exploding right behind it. And was being confirmed by Gedd, who was still ranting on the phone, “And if I caught it off her, she’s almost certainly given it to you, and you get the job of telling your missus.” And with that the phone was slammed down. Steve was dazed, to say the least. How the hell was he going to break that news to Sharon? Best way would be by text from somewhere like New Zealand, except that probably wouldn’t be far enough away to save him from her wrath. He shook his head, be sensible, he thought, the first thing to do was to get down the clinic as I may well be worrying about nothing at all. The test confirmed his worst fears. As he drove home that night he rehearsed his speech a thousand times. Perhaps he should go in and hide anything that could be used as a weapon first, although Sharon was quite inventive when it came to selecting a projectile. No, nothing for it but to go in and take it on the chin, and hopefully, not somewhere else. Sharon was sitting in the lounge, Steve stood in the doorway, gulped hard and started to spill the beans, how it was all in the past. He hadn’t seen Amanda since the eBay incident, and he couldn’t apologise enough for what he had done, it had never happened to him before. And then he just dried up. He looked at Sharon, steeling himself for the torrent he just knew was coming. She was smiling, but he knew from past experience that was a bad sign. “Well, look what happened to you, going off with that trollop, got really caught out, didn’t you?” Steve was nodding and flinching. “And now, finally, you have summoned up the courage to tell me you have got a dose of the clap.” Steve was wincing as Sharon continued. “I suppose you’re going to tell me I’ve got to drag myself down to the clinic to get treated?” Steve was nodding and flinching and wincing all at the same time by now. “Well, I don’t have to, I’ve already been.” She said. Steve was bewildered, how could that be? Sharon continued, “Whilst you were off with your tart enjoying your ‘fishing’ trips, I went out and enjoyed myself too. I am afraid Amanda didn’t give you a dose, I gave you a dose to give to Amanda.” Sharon was chuckling to herself, softly, Steve was slowly sliding down the door frame, eyes bulging, and stunned beyond belief…… |
