The Alternative Angler – Alternative Fishing Party

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

THE ALTERNATIVE FISHING PARTY

Election fever is all the rage, three or four or five million anglers equates to three or four or five million votes. Just think, we could form our very own Fishing Party, to look after our interests (if Kilroy Silk can do it….) Just a pipe dream, perhaps, but there would need a shadow cabinet, or opposition spokespersons. Several names just seem perfect for a number of these plum positions.

Party Leader
Bob and Jane James (at a loose end for the moment). Ideal husband and wife dream team, just what we are used to from a Premier and his first lady. The salaries, palatial trappings and perks will probably be slightly less impressive than they were used to while working for the ACA but…..

Shadow Chancellor
Can only be our beloved leader, Graham. No one outside the treasury (and very few inside) have ever shown such tight fiscal control, and prudent expenditure management. And no one is ever happier when spending someone else’s money!

Shadow Home Secretary
He may not want to pursue current policies, but if we are looking for a dead ringer for Charles Clarke, we need look no further than John Wilson. If he is not keen we could always get Rex Hunt (Yes, I know he’s foreign, but we let anybody in these days, don’t we, even Australians!).

Shadow Minister for Overseas Development
Some globe trotting type, always flitting from exotic country to exotic country at someone else’s expense, sounds like just the job for the prospective Parliamentary candidate, Matt Hayes. Although, someone with such a need for self-promotion might be better joining that mob over at Veritas. It would only need a one line entry in Member’s Interests – ‘Promoting own tackle at every possibility’.

Shadow Transport Minister
Anything to do with Transport has to involve wheels. And we all know if it involves wheels (and therefore hubcaps) there is only one man for the job – Scouse Eddie.

Shadow Foreign Secretary
Strong willed individual, keen to carry on the present government’s policy on raising people’s awareness of Africa, despite what is going on in the rest of the world. There is a tailor-made portfolio being handed to a certain Mr Clay right now. The Right Hon. The Hat – that has a certain ring to it, don’t you think!).

Shadow Education Secretary
Someone to tell us what to do, and be able to talk down to us, just like your teachers used to. Seems to be a toss up between Des Taylor and Keith Arthur.

Shadow Health Minister
Mick Brown would be ideal. No real medical experience, it’s true, but if you have ever watched him presenting an angling programme, you will understand that over the years he has managed to send more people to sleep than Harold Shipman ever did.

Party Publicist
This one is a no-brainer. Simply put Richard Lee in charge of NOP and MORI and you will never have to worry about popularity ratings or public opinion ever again.

Spin Doctor
Some un-elected, vicious tongued, spiteful, back-stabbing, tall tale spinning, sarcastic individual, who can scrape by on only 100k per year, hmmm……. wonder what the pension is like!

Culture Spokesperson
Errrr….. The problem here has less to do with finding a suitable candidate, and more to do with working out what culture has to do with fishing

Now all we need is someone to do Peter Mandelson’s job (whatever that is this week, he doesn’t do too badly for a bloke that gets fired more often than the lunchtime gun at Edinburgh castle) and the Fisherman’s Party is up and running. Any suggestions?

MIXED BAG

Is it just me, or have you noticed an imperceptible shift in attitudes towards ‘grouping’ fish together. We appear to be moving away from the almost compulsory single species approach, which has been very prevalent of late. It is now acceptable to fish for both carp and barbel, similar tactics, tackle and baits seem to work. Now that is becoming the norm, will anglers add to their preferred fish list, or perhaps select different groupings?

There has, of course, always been that age-old duo of pike and perch, which could seamlessly incorporate the upstart new boys, zander. Equally predatory is the chub, so that would be a natural progression. If you are fishing for any of those fish, you may have occasion to go livebaiting. This means you will have already acquired the necessary skills and knowledge of how to catch dace or roach. From there it is only a small step up to fishing for bream. Whilst you are bream angling, there is always a chance of coming across a tench or two.

Who knows, after piling in all that tench groundbait it just might be that a carp comes along and snaffles your bait…. Once in a while you may not be able to go carp fishing, but having got the gear, why not have a try for barbel. You can always try for the usually obliging chub if there are no barbel about. From there, almost no need to change tackle or tactics and the next fish in the net might be a perch.

Appetite whetted for predators, you will of course be keen to try for zander or pike, not forgetting that you might want to catch some roach or dace livebaits, that might lead on to bream, tench, carp, barbel…. No, wait a minute, all round anglers, that is never going to happen – is it?