KEVIN PERKINS


Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

TACKLE WARS

Well, I have a couple of weeks off on holiday and look what happens! That distinguished and accomplished angler, Bob Roberts, posts more items on the Forums than Ron Clay, and then offers up an article liberally smattered with home truths about ‘integrity’. Richard Lee (Angling Times editor chap, no less) comes on the Forums and promises to take on board some of the (very good) suggestions and constructive criticisms put forward by FM members

A poll on ‘Best Angling Writers’ sees my name mentioned twice, no less (probably posted on 1st April, I forgot to check!) But while my back was turned that bounder Prof. Bumblebee has the temerity to plagiarise TickleTackle, and launch a Spring Catalogue for TackleTarts! In the first instance, If TickleTackle were to produce a catalogue, it certainly would not be given away free, more likely to ask for sealed bids.

And secondly, the company whose mission statement declares that they ‘Produce tackle for anglers that they didn’t know was available, and at prices they will find hard to believe’ firmly strives for ‘Innovation not Imitation’ with it’s products. It would appear that one of TackleTarts new products is in breach of Patent 10003768/2a that TickleTackle hold for their range of ‘Mymic’ surround sensing clothing range.

TickleTackle is proud of its position at the forefront of tackle design and technology, and also exceedingly litigious when it comes to protecting that hard won reputation. Banks of solicitors and barristers are being briefed in an effort to seek punitive damages for this breach of copyright. When successful, and to show their caring side, any damages won will be given to a charity connected with angling, of course. Favourite to receive any settlement is the ‘Matt Hayes Retirement Fund’. Apparently if we can just raise five million pounds he has promised to give up fishing and take up golf. Look out for TGG in years to come…….

Anyway, in the spirit of writing with integrity, I am pleased to recount the tale of one of my recent fishing trips:

Woken from my Nytol induced slumber by my Phillips clock radio, I lifted my head off my Airstream pillow, threw back my Slumberlux duvet and rushed downstairs with my bare feet hardly touching the Axminster carpet. Once in the kitchen, there is no time for a Tassimo coffee, so it’s on with the Russell Hobs kettle and out with the Nescafe Gold Blend. Just pop two slices of Warburtons into the Morphy Richards Toaster as I make the soup to put in my Thermos stainless steel flask.

Breakfast over, back upstairs to get dressed, had a Dolphin shower last night, quick sniff of the ‘pits’ shows I can get away with just a spray of Rightguard. Dab of Signal on the Wisdom toothbrush, then a sloosh round with Listerene and I’m done. Pull on my Calvin Klein thong, Levi jeans and Ralph Lauren sweatshirt. Finish off with a pair of Wolsey socks and rush back downstairs to pull on my Timberland boots and Sundridge fleece.

Pause at the Ercol hall table, and look at the car keys, shall I take the wife’s Maserati? Trouble is, in common with other Italian exotics like Ferraris and Lamborghini’s, you have to let them tick over for a while otherwise the gear change is very obstructive. Decide not to upset the neighbours by leaving car on drive with engine running for twenty minutes and opt to take the Astra. Quietly, so as not to wake anyone at this early hour, I gently pull the recently Ronseal coated front door closed by the Heritage brass handle and turn the key in the Yale lock.

Across the Marshall paved drive to my garage and whip open the Garador. Pick up my tackle and throw it in the back of the Astra. Set off slowly as none of the neighbours in their Persimmon homes are awake yet, judging by the lack of lights showing. Once on the open road, load Scissor Sisters into the Kenwood CD player and I press on as there is no other traffic, the recently fitted Michelin tyres doing a good job of keeping the car on the slightly damp road. Suddenly a flash of light, was that a Gatso or Truvelo, doesn’t really matter, does it? Just goes to show that names don’t really matter – do they……..

And finally, if so much ‘cheap’ tackle is being dumped in the UK, why is it that I can still fly 3000 miles to the USA and buy Rapala lures for $5.98 (£ 3.28 at today’s exchange rates)?

The shop where I bought them (Capitol Tackle West 23rd Street, New York, very nice people) is willing to ship to the UK at those prices and even with post and packing, there are still significant savings to be made on buying in the UK.

Anyone from the manufacturers like to comment – or is this just another case of Britain being treated as ‘Treasure Island’ by suppliers……..???

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