The Alternative Angler – Newsround

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Newsround

Fish Thefts

A recent report by the EA shows that the actual, apparently infinitesimal, number of cases of fish thefts reported to them shows there is no cause for alarm whatsoever. In fact, far from trying to denude our rivers and lakes of their stocks of fish, it appears that many of our Eastern European cousins are actually very concerned about fish welfare.

Many have gone to great lengths to see that fish have plentiful supplies of food to see them over the harsh winter months running up to Xmas time, even to the extent of buying readymade baits to scatter as free offerings. Local tackle shops have been delighted with this extra trade in boilies, although they did have trouble supplying the somewhat different flavours at first, as Sage & Onion and Brussels Sprout don’t normally figure in the top ten most requested list.

Also from the EA comes news of a potentially damaging harassment case, where an angler is claiming that he has had his licence checked twice in one year, which is tantamount to blatant victimisation. Officials at the EA are strenuously denying these claims, saying that their evidence points to the chances of even having your licence checked once are so low, that the possibility of it happening twice is so remote, you would have more chance of winning the Lottery.

Angling Dope Tests

No, I won’t do the obvious joke, as this is a serious subject. Reading reports that certain substances can possibly speed up an angler’s reaction times and therefore give him an advantage when striking, well, that is probably open to debate. But aren’t we looking at the wrong end of the telescope here? Introducing performance-enhancing drugs to the fish, now that’s a totally different kettle of fish (pun intended) surely?

Whilst possibly illegal, and almost certainly immoral, there are some interesting combinations that could (allegedly) be put together by introducing certain substances to the fish. For instance, what could be done to increase your changes of catching a specimen barbel, a much sought after prize at the moment? There is a huge amount of effort being put into disguising end tackle at the moment, presumably due to the barbel’s unique ability to recognise hooks and line and remember them as a threat.

To counteract this, surely a Rohypnol based glug for your halibut pellets should do the trick. Firstly, the barbel will lose all their fears of tackle and therefore any old gear will do to catch them, (no more will you need v.v.v.v expensive barbel rods) and secondly, when you do catch one whilst it is under the influence, it won’t be able to remember anything about it. Sounds like a plan to me…..

Carp anglers will need to be slightly more patient, as a two stage strategy is required to guarantee extra catches for them. Firstly, as always, there is a comprehensive pre-baiting campaign. The only subtle difference being that the items being used in the pre-baiting are generously laced with the leaves of a, shall we say, a certain aromatic plant. Then all you have to do is wait until the side effect known as the ‘munchies’ kicks in.

Now as scientific studies on students have clearly shown that once in this state, anything put in their path will be gupled down. So you will be looking for baits such as peanut butter straight out of the jar, Oxo cubes, Branston pickle, Shredded Wheat/Weetabix spread with Marmite or Bovril, cornflakes straight from the box, week-old bread with optional mould, and of course, anything out of a tin. Particularly tinned items that have been at the back of a cupboard for weeks, or months, and would never normally see the light of day, those are just the things that will be taken with relish.

Just imagine tackling up with 3.5lb rods and big pit reels loaded with 30lb braid, straight through to a size eighteen hook. A strange combination, you might think. Not when your quarry is the PCP affected gudgeon. Dip your single red worm or double maggot in Angel Dust and be prepared for the ride of your life if one of these little beggars fetches up. Fighting chairs and butt pads are not compulsory, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

And the downside of all this? Well there might be some short-term side effects, a number of which are listed below.

Caught a catfish with dreadlocked whiskers? You can be sure it’s been feeding on the ‘special’ bait carpet (see above) laid down for carp.

Landed a ‘Daniella’ (no nose) pike? Someone’s been trying to create some freshwater marlin type fishing by dusting their mackerel tails in Columbia’s biggest export.

Glad you loaded 300 yards of line onto your reel, because a fish just took it all on the first run? That will be a bream with a gob full of the Jolly Green (mixed with) Amphetamines. No much of a fight, though, as after that first run at 40mph they just fall asleep, and you’ve then got to crank them back all that way.

England wins World Angling Championships

Well that’s not real news, is it? Had our boys slid down a mountain strapped to a plank of wood, or better still something resembling a tea tray, then they would have been showered in lottery grants and plastered all over the sports pages, despite not managing to triumph at anything. So it’s not about the winning, is it? Well, not if it’s about fishing, apparently……