KEVIN PERKINS


Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Alternative Christmas Carols

Time to bow out this year and wish all of you on FM a very Merry Xmas and Happy New Year, and I will leave you with a few festive fishy ditties:

Jingle Bells

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
The bailiff’s on his way
Your Xmas pressie camou gear,
Means you don’t have to pay
Oh Jingle Bells, etc. etc.

Crouched down by a tree
Just don’t make a sound
‘Cos if he can’t see
You surely won’t be found
Oh Jingle Bells, etc, etc.

Think you’ve got away
But suddenly he turns
His thermal image Xmas gift
Will cost you many pounds
Oh Jingle Bells, etc, etc.

Dashing through the snow
With a brand new carp barrow
You don’t see the covered rut
And go arse over your elbow
Oh Jingle Bells, etc, etc.

Tackle everywhere
It’s really quite a sight
Broken nearly everything
You unwrapped just last night
Oh Jingle Bells, etc, etc.

Haul the pieces home
It makes you want to choke
Tell the wife you need more gear
She tells you that’s a joke
Oh Jingle Bells, etc, etc.

Good King Wenceslas

Good old Ronnie he looked out
O’er Yorkshire’s hills and dale-s
Endlessly he chewed on figs
And supped on Theakston’s ale-s

Brightly shone his ring that night
Though the frost was cruel
Folks would come and warm their hands
It saved them buying f -u -e – l

Ding Dong Merrily

Ding dong merrily, I’m high
Oh how I love this fishing
Why am I in this state?
Is it the glug I’m sniffing?

Ding dong merrily, I’m high
I’ve got the munchies badly
Eating groundbait balls
And laughing really madly

Ding dong merrily, I’m high
Oh dear, the bivvy’s spinning
The worms are dancing round
The maggots are all singing

Ding dong merrily, I’m high
My head is getting heavy
Don’t like this feeling now
Next time it’s just a bevvy

Silent Night

Silent fart, noiseless fart
Who let go?
We all know

Barney’s g-u-i-l-t-y
Look at him grin
Clouds of gas wafting
Under his chin

Dirty b*st*rd they cry
D-i-r-t-y b*st*rd they cry

Merry Christmas Everybody

So here it is, carp for Christmas
Every Pole is having one
Net out the lake and leave
Before the coppers come

You can get them from Sainsbury’s
At five quid for a pound
But why pay when they are free
And plenty to go around

Might need a licence
‘Cos the locals do get fraught
No need to worry, though
Not likely to get caught

Away in a Manger

Away in a garage
No crib for a bed
Poor little Deanos
Lays down his thick head

No clothes bar his Y fronts
Hear his knocking knees
To keep out the cold
He must drink antifreeze

Curled up on the dog’s bedHe dreams of a rod
Asks Mazdin for charity
He’s got no hope, poor sod!

We Three Kings

We three kings of Fish-Ins are we
Cakey, Graham and good old Ronnie
Supping malt whisky, getting quite frisky
When asked for payment they flee

River fishing, is what they dream
Some go for roach, and others for bream
Doesn’t seem fair, there’s always one there
Who is now called the pike catching queen.

Wendy hooked a personal best
Well over ten stone, not an ounce less
Hooked fair and square, twixt top lip and hair
A new species record, no jest

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