The Alternative Angler – Detective Deanos

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Detective Deanos

‘Detective Derrick Deanos, and the case of the Impostor Pies’

The plot is loosely based on the fact that it comes to our hero’s attention that a hitherto unknown brand of impossibly cheap but succulent, and strangely irresistible pies come onto the market. At first they are mainly distributed at car boot sales, but later turning up at burger and kebab vans throughout the borough. And these pies have exceedingly interesting names such as Tinca Masala, Hare Krishna, Bull-ti Tikka and the hand written labelling boasts that all these pies have added Carpohydrates

This low priced competition is causing consternation amongst Derrick’s best friends, the traditional northern pie makers and there is dark talk of redundancies and factory closures. Faced with such terrible – nay, life threatening – consequences, Detective Deanos swings into action to track down the upstart pie supplier, cruising the town on his Vespa scooter (all the best detectives have a trademark vehicle, Morse’s Jag, Bergerac’s Triumph, and although the scooter isn’t very quick in a straight line, it is very nippy going in and out of tight spaces and it does vibrate quite a lot – note to Wendy…..).

Enter Des M Bowler

After Detective Derrick has been led up many blind alleys, some with very interesting consequences, but those are usually cleared up with a course of penicillin, the illicit pie factory is finally discovered. It is sandwiched between a run-down tackle emporium and a taxidermist’s shop, run by a nefarious fish, bird and mammal stuffer known as Des M Bowler.

The manufacture of these pies came about when Des was offered an almost inexhaustible supply of reject, sub-standard army surplus gravy, far too lumpy even to be foisted off on poor squaddies. A chance meeting by the bins with the tackle shop owner who was dumping bags of past their sell-by date groundbait and breadcrumbs, and given the by-products of his own taxidermy business (what else would you do with a body after you have removed the skin…?) a fiendish plot to combine the ingredients was hatched.

The Plot Thickens

But here the plot thickens even more than the gravy, because Des needs an accomplice who is skilled in the art of whipping up pies, and so he recruits Detective Deano’s fat aunt Kathleen to help. Her first task is to beat the lumps in the gravy into submission and Des’ suggestion that ‘It wants to be strained through a pair of tights’ spurs Kathleen into action.

First thing in the morning, she donned her finest 40 denier, reinforced gusset, control panelled Pretty Polly’s then carefully pulled back the waistband and started to ladle in the glutinous mixture. Once her legs and nether regions were encased in gravy she carefully stepped into a pair of size 12 chest waders, thoughtfully provided by the tackle shop next door, and proceeded to go about her business. The heat from her body and constant movement strained the gravy through the tights to a turn, and without doubt added a unique piquancy.

At the end of the day the waders were slipped off, and the by now very refined mixture poured out. Aunt Kathleen then went out into the back yard; carefully removed the tights and jet washed her legs to get rid of the lumps. The lumps of gravy that is, the other lumps on her legs have stubbornly resisted all attempts to remove them, even angle grinders having no effect.

Whilst this was going on, Aunt Kathleen had subcontracted out the making of the pie crusts to a pair of fatty bum-bum girls whose job was to press the groundbait and breadcrumb mixture between two planks by sitting on them. When the mixture was pressed flat, which didn’t take long, the piecrust lids were cut out using an old hubcap as a pastry cutter.

Derrick Raids the Pie Shop

Acting on a tip-off Detective Derrick raids the pie shop only to be stunned when he finds his aunt and the gorgeous fatty bum-bum girls hard at work. Cursing Des for involving his family and friends, he vows to ‘Get him next time’. His only option now to save them from prosecution is to remove the evidence, and with that, he sets off into the night and begins the onerous task of devouring the 436 pies that are left, taking only 2 days to complete the onerous task.

With that case cleared up, Detective Derrick Deanos sets off on another case, which is bound to involve pies, fat ladies, garages, stolen undergarments, pleas for charity……Hmmm…….I think we have an idea of the culprit already!