Angling – The Future, by Deanos

A Peak Into The Future

Let me take you forward: it is fifty years from now, the world is a very much different place from the one we know. Only the characters, indeed LEGENDS, that appear on FM remain the same. Read on…IF YOU DARE!

Lee Swords looked out of his hotel window and yawned. From his early days of being recognised as ‘Britain’s best looking barbel angler’ Lady Luck had smiled on him indeed.

Into the second year starring on the London stage in ‘Oswald Mosley – The Musical’ he was now rich beyond his wildest dreams and he rubbed shoulders with Britain’s social elite. He often sipped cocktails and swapped stories in the Capital’s most famous men’s club ‘FMs’ with Granville Marrsdin, star of the new reality TV fishing programme ‘The Noddy’, where his famous catch phrase, “You haven’t a clue have you Deanos, not a bloody clue – SO BOG OFF!” was banded around the school yards and offices of our once green and pleasant land.

Lee looked down at his copy of ‘Mega Carper’, yet another 200lb fish caught, same thing week in week out, that was why himself and the other heroes of the DVSG had all gone their separate ways, what was there left to do? Then it happened…he read the headlines…

‘Great white shark eats Martin Bowler in the River Trent! ‘.

His eyes narrowed. The Trent was now three miles wide and due to global warming was steaming more than a fat bird’s gusset. Perhaps…. perhaps just one more angling challenge did remain from the mighty Trent.

Alphonso stood outside his flagship ladies hair stylists in Knightsbridge; Alphonso’s salons were known worldwide.

“Pssst….Bob! It’s me, Lee!”

“My name is Alphonso, can I make sir an appointment for highlights, we also provide a complimentary latte with a little biscuit!”

“Bob, cut the crap, read this!”

Bob Roberts‘ eyes skimmed quickly over the article. “My God, it ate Martin Bowler? The poor bugger must have been starving. Have they found his glasses?”

“Snap out of it, Bob,” hissed Lee, “come on, let’s do it one more time, Bob. Let’s ‘ave THE BIG ONE!”

The river was pushing through, using the modern day carping methods of a full size baitboat (captain and crew an optional extra) Lee and Bob dropped half a ton of Nashy’s ‘Tangie Turnip and South Sea Island Fisherman’ boilies in the chosen spot.

All they could do now was wait.

Bob strapped himself into the harness which was bolted onto Colingham weir. “Lee, fetch ‘bloody hair spray over here there’s a good lad, it’s going to be a long night and there’s a wind getting up. I want to look me best when Gregory Whitebread from Angling Times turns up for ‘trophy shot in t’ morning. Wait till Tony Cocoa sees this, soon see who’s bloody gov’ner then won’t we lad?”

Lee went into a fitful sleep, in his dreams (or was it for real?) a figure appeared, it’s Obi Ron Canoby, the long time president of the DVSG.

“Lee!…This night only one of you will see the morning, the force will be with you.”

“Bloody force?….what’s thee on abart Ron?”

“What I mean is, drink that crate of Stella and you will fight any man…or shark…that’s what I mean. Anyway did I ever tell you about the time in South Africa when me and Dick Walker……”

Lee awoke with a start, an air horn was blasting out from Bob’s deep sea Delkims.

“I’m in Lee…..buggers on’t end o’t line. Is Greg here yet?”

The battle ebbed and flowed for three hours, Lee mopping the sweat from Bob’s brow.

” Greg, take bloody pictures from t’other side…its me best one.”

At last the mighty great white broke the surface.

“I’ve got the bugger!” Screamed Bob. “Look, it’s still got Bowler’s bloody glasses on’t end of its snout!”

Then…..disaster! The harness bolts started to pop out of the rotten concrete one by one.

“Get back!” Screamed Bob. “I can’t go back to being Alphonso. This is where I belong, it’s my destiny. I would sign up for THAT bloody syndicate before I let this bugger go!”

The shark gave a mighty pull, and Bob was hurled onto its enormous back in a scene reminiscent of the classic film Moby Dick (please note that there is another version of this film out on DVD with a rather well endowed gentleman in the title roll. I am not referring to this version).

“Bob!” screamed Lee.

“Get back, there’s nowt you can do. I would rather go this way than ask Lulu where she’s going for her bloody holidays again when she comes to get her hair done!”

The water was thrashed to a foam.

“Lee, do one thing for me before I go,” squealed Bob.

“Owt, owt lad!” shouted Lee.

“Get a picture of me looking good with me hair dry before I go under.”

The camera flashed and Gregory Whitebread smiled. “Got him. Should get onto page four. Pity he couldn’t have got it onto the bank. Would have won t’ Drennan cup wi’ that, you know.”

Lee was left alone. He stared into the depths of the mighty river and spotted something glinting on the bankside. it was Martin Bowler’s glasses.

Lee wiped the sand and water off them and put them on. He would think of all the heros out there who wore glasses and would never give up! Hank Marvin, Whinny Mandela, Michael Caine, (you may have noticed that he actually did not wear his glasses whist filming ‘Zulu’….that’s why he was so bloody brave, he never even saw the buggers charging!).

“Right, get that bloody baitboat out again. It’s what Bob would ‘ave wanted!” Shouted Lee above the noise of the charging torrent. “Stuff musicals and fame, this is where I belong!” He strapped himself into the harness and looked down at the can of hair spray on the floor and a tear came into his eye.

“Next one’s for you, Bob.”

The end