The Alternative Angler – Fish Eye

A brand new series to FM, where a slightly skewed view is taken of some angling-related news topics that have appeared over the past few days.

Drug Testing

Drugs and sport are very much in the news at the moment, so it should be no surprise to learn that some anglers will be compelled to take drug tests in very the near future. However, these tests will be slightly different to those carried out on athletes when looking for banned substances. These tests will be carried out with the express intention of making sure that the angler concerned does show positive for having sodium pentathol coursing through their veins.

This will become a mandatory requirement in the future, particularly when claiming the capture of fish which appear to have attained less than credible weights from certain venues……

Camou-phobia

An increasing number of cases relating to Camou-phobia have surfaced lately, and there are two distinct strains of this particular malady. In the first, more obvious form, it manifests itself on those normally outgoing types, you know the sort, turns up for a barbecue wearing de-rigueur Hawaiian type shirt with colour volume set to level 12, wears red braces with a business suit and/or Homer Simpson socks/boxers.

These gregarious chaps feel they are being forced into wearing camouflage clothing and are thereby having to conform and just melt into the background. This brings on feelings of insecurity and a true sense that they have lost their identity and personality.

Although the obvious answer to this would be a course of strong anti-depressants, years of counselling and a lifetime on disability benefit, there are some who are fighting back. Not being able to eschew wearing camouflage clothing altogether due to peer pressure from their angling betters, they set about personalising their clothing in order to show their rebellious and outgoing streak still exists.

This will reveal itself with discreet but individual little touches such as perhaps a scarlet lining to the jacket, velvet facing on the lapels, or maybe even fur-lined tops to the camou boots. A paisley cravat might be in evidence, maybe with the whole ensemble being topped off with a bush hat in a non-conforming pastel shade.

Should this trend be allowed to continue, we may end up seeing a return to ‘normal’ fishing clothing, with perhaps just the merest touch of camou pattern being featuring on say, belts or jacket linings, maybe wallet covers or other peripheral accoutrements. Some well-known trendsetters amongst us have, of course, been using ‘stealth’ covers on their wallets for years. (Hey…behave! – Graham)

Flage-rage

The second camouflage related condition is a rare, rather disturbing and fortunately rare affliction. The good news here is that those suffering are not dangerous, but may cause alarm. Such is the intensity of their dislike of anything camou that they will point out anglers who are wearing said items of clothing and shout ‘I can see you!’ at the top of their voices.

However, it should be pointed out that if someone suffering from Flage-rage were to trip over the camouflaged guy rope holding down your camou-ed up bivvy and you came out to see what all the fuss was about and you were dressed head to toe in camou gear, and you were staring at them through your camou lens spectacles and were holding your camou plate and/or camou cup and saucer, then that might, just might push them over the edge. You have been warned…..

Single Rod

This is one of those fads that will die a quiet death if it’s left alone. Trying to persuade anglers that they can make do with just one rod is patently not going to work. And by that, this is not just fishing with one rod and having a battery of a dozen or so rods in a holdall behind you. There are people actually advocating that you can go fishing with only one rod, full stop. The tackle industry and tackle tarts everywhere are doing their best to nip this in the bud.

Short Sessions

Perhaps it’s the summer heat getting to people, but there is another suggestion being made that you can, for instance, fit in a fishing session after work. We should perhaps just point out to carp anglers in particular that there are (albeit very few) people whom actually work for a living and still manage to go fishing.

But how they expect to catch carp without spending at least long enough in one place to get a Council Tax demand for a second home is stretching credibility somewhat. And in reference to short sessions it has been claimed that barbel can be targeted after work too, but that is a claim which is open to question.

Let’s assume that you leave work at 5.30pm and are at the water’s edge by 6.00pm. Even in high summer you are only going to get an hour’s* fishing done at most, far less as the nights draw in. Is that really long enough?

* Assumes only around 3 hours for shovelling in halibut pellets before you start, it is a short session, after all……..