Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees both the funny and darker side of life, and there are plenty of funny and dark goings-on in fishing. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the strange, the satirical, and the plain comical along the way.
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the whacky side of fishing life and grab a laugh or a lament along the way.
Seasoning Optional?
‘Beware, beware the Ides of March’
We hear in Shakespeare’s play
But for all us river anglers
March holds a fateful day
At midnight on fourteenth day
The curtain is pulled tight
Thee months of enforced abstinence
And no appeal in sight
The fishes must be left alone
No baited hook to see
We anglers are turfed off the bank
Whilst others can roam free
We leave the fish to do their thing
And spawn in the weed beds
The boaters can just carry on
Thrashing props above their heads
The doggie-walkers are ok
To hone retrieving tricks
Their pets can jump and splash around
Fetch balls and lumps of sticks
The picnickers and twitchers
Join families pushing prams
All are welcome on the towpath
Except you, with rod in hands
The EA must be very pleased
That anglers aren’t protesting thugs
We pay for something we can’t use
Which makes us proper mugs
We know that some amongst us
Who prefer the olden ways
And stick by the traditions
Of bygone Crabtree days
Others will say it is wrong
To treat river, lake and stream
As separate types of habitat
When the species are the same
So just what is the solution
To this annual angry voice
The answer’s plain and simple
Just give the angler’s choice
The current halfway house
Is neither one thing nor another
Let’s open up all waters
And save us all the bother
Those wanting to fish on
Take their chance with the river users
Those wishing to abstain can do
It’s a win, win, with no losers
Hmmm……. probably not going to get me any recommendations for Poet Laureate, but always a challenge trying to say something in verse. (And yes, Mr. Wintle, it does ably demonstrate my reasons opting out of Eng. Lit…..!)
So much is written about the Closed Season every year, and so little is done, it is now time for the fence sitters to jump, in my opinion. And that coming from someone who has always favoured the traditional shut down.
I grew up with it, learned to live with it, and even did a bit of trout fishing. Well for that read poaching, as the owners of the dry-fly only chalk streams around where I lived did not take kindly to urchins like me removing their precious stocks by tempting them with worms…!
The preparation for the coming start was close the excitement of Xmas, tinged with jealousy as those lucky buggers in Yorkshire could start on 1st June. The hope that you could get the ‘dream’ swim on opening day (never happened as someone always got there earlier), praying that the weather gods would be kind, a whole bunch of things going on to make it ‘special’.
And now, well, it’s just a mess. Far better to open up the rivers and let the anglers decide when they want to fish. Let’s be honest, of late the rivers haven’t exactly had a hammering, and particularly towards the close of the season the weather has not always been at most favourable.
Even as I write this I am planning to go down to the Thames with Woody. I have arranged a day off work, but I am now watching the weather forecast like a hawk. More rain is predicted in the next few days, and the river may well be unfishable (That’s unfishable to the likes of me and my limited talents. I don’t doubt there are many of you who will fish when the river is over three meadows either side, that’s a bit beyond my skill level, I’m afraid).
If it is a washout on the day I’ve booked off, that’s it for this season, as the barrier comes down on Saturday, and I can’t do weekends at the moment. The law according to Sod says that the river will fine down after those couple of days of rain and will be perfect towards the end of next week, but that’s too late for me, I’m afraid.
So on a purely selfish note, I would love to be able to go fishing when I can, and I am quite able to decide not to go if don’t want to in April or May. The amount of ‘disturbance’ anglers cause isn’t a patch on what the other river users are doing, and are allowed to do and if fish are spawning then they are usually too pre-occupied to notice much else, in my experience.
There is nothing to stop the ‘traditionalists’ amongst us from observing our own absence from the banks if that helps to salve their conscience. If the ban was lifted I certainly wouldn’t be down on the river 24/7 between March and June, and I suspect that after the novelty wore off, the riverbanks will still be as sparsely populated by anglers as they are now.
