Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees both the funny and darker side of life, and there are plenty of funny and dark goings-on in fishing. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the strange, the satirical, and the plain comical along the way.
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the whacky side of fishing life and grab a laugh or a lament along the way.
Hark the Herald Anglers….
What…! At this time of year? Well, this is not about the Xmas welcoming kind of Herald, nor even the rusting away before your eyes Triumph variety, but more to do with Heraldic. It is surely time that fishing got some proper recognition. Any other type of sport gets medals and honours slung at it, but we can barely muster a handful of MBE’s. We on FM do of course have our very own Lord Paul (doffs cap, tugs forelock, bends the knee and genuflects) but toffs; knobs and gongs are a bit thin on the ground after that.
These days it seems that anyone who turns up at the Olympics is guaranteed a nice day out at Buck House afterwards to pick up a big shiny medal, but we don’t even get to go to the games, let alone get millions of lottery cash bunged into our back pockets in an effort to improve the sport …..
Well, if the establishment won’t recognise us, I think we should create a few titles of our own, along with family crests and mottos, just imagine that embossed on your tackle box. Certainly should bring us up the sports pecking order a peg or two.
The design of a coat of arms will give us a perfect chance to illustrate the background of the bearer, a pictorial message to show their noble achievements, and their standing in the community. To give an example, rampant lions and swords or lances to show courage and valour. And a well thought out motto will leave you in no doubt as to the intentions that the recipient intends to uphold. Words and phrases such as Honour, Trust and Integrity will be liberally sprinkled throughout (in Latin, of course).
To begin with, there are quite a few candidates ripe for ennoblement here on Everriculum Veneficus (FishingMagic).
Our very own Graham is a certain recipient. A shield showing a closed portcullis guarding a pile of moneybags with crossed barbel rods at the side, and the motto Nullus vadum penetro (None Shall Enter)
Bit difficult to come up with anything suitable for Barney, although perhaps a set of pawnbroker’s balls on his shield would indicate that he’s always on the scrounge, interlaced with some bio-hazard symbols, supported by road signs pointing south (his favourite fishing destination) and the very apt motto underneath Meus spiritus iuguolo (My air can kill).
Deanos’ shield would encompass the empty shop front of a Gregg’s bakery, flanked by a knife and fork (industrial quality, of course) with his motto chalked up on the window – Ego edo totus victus (I ate all the food, never mind the pies)
Ego ago pro preteritus (I live for the past) will do well for Ron, a Burberry background to his shield, supported by a springbok on one side and a kangaroo on the other, in reference to his Southern hemisphere leanings. I couldn’t get a Latin translation for ‘I like Dick’…
Whilst Lord Paul of Sheffield already has a country seat, and no doubt M’lud can trace his noble ancestry stretching back over generations, maybe the motto Obduco prodigium quod caseus (Pass the port and stilton) would bring matters more up to date.
A crest depicting a full shell suit as opposed to a full suit of armour, flanked by a pair of Liver birds with the banner ‘Rota rapio ex lacus’ (Wheel stealer from the ‘Pool) seems perfect for Scouse Ed.
Is quisnam venator argentum piscis piscis (He who hunts silver fish) This will do nicely for Mark Wintle. A shield with three roach and featuring a quill pen one side, a quill float on the other, sums things up nicely.
Senilis de flumen Thamesis (Old man of the river Thames) A beech tree one side, and a barbel the other side of a shield depicting a river flowing over a weir, can only mean that Woody is easily sorted.
Unus quisnam fatur attero uber (One who speaks of waste products) Can only be the one and only Corker. Burnished shield in an engine turned finish with milled edges, of course, as a hint to his engineering background, supported by a bog brush one side and a rectal examination scope the other.
Virga vinco (The rod master) Is our very own Peter Jacobs. His shield appears to be made of wicker, but closer inspection shows it to be just some of his collection of rods woven together. This montage to be supported by two of his ex wives, hearing that will make a pleasant change for him…!
And a couple that are still being worked on…..
Vigoratus sapiens vir oriens (Stout wise man of the East) Hmmm…….Sounds like the editor of B*rb*l Fisher to me. Shield decoration under development, but at least he will be pleased to know he is getting a shield. Handy for warding off all kinds of attacks…
Caliga laganum (Mister Cake) is about as near as we can get to Cakey . Some reference to the River Lea and a depiction of a personalised number plate.
Who would have thought that Caput palpo would be Captain Carrot? Frogs and carrots to the fore on the shield adornment for this one.
Piscis piscis quis piscis piscis (Fish, what fish???) Is particularly suited to a blanker like myself. And certainly Totus apparatus quod haud informatio (All the gear and no idea) is just about a perfect description of the way I go about my fishing.
Species ultra pretium (Quality beyond price) has long been the motto of TickleTackle.plcalthough Nusquam umquam vilis (nothing ever cheap) is equally apt. Although adding shields or mottos to their equipment is considered just a tad too chivvy for an upmarket firm like them.
Anyone I have missed out can now obtain their very own personalised shield and motto by sending the usual amount to the usual place.
