As you are no doubt aware that huge mutant destructive relative of the hamster family, the beaver, is soon to be on the munch across great Britain. I would like to offer the services of my recently formed company “Cleaver that Beaver” to aid anyone who has a real or a potential problem with them.
I don’t wish in anyway to cause panic or fear from the following information, but if this problem is not addressed NOW! It shall be too late later, so lets do it now, before its too late!
Now I hear you say “Deanos…you can’t cleaver that Beaver, they are more protected than an MPs annual claim for expenses”. Well, I have accessed advice from one of the GREATEST legal minds of our time, my friend Mr Gordon Whoppit (who never missed an episode of “Crown Court”, that fine legal “true to life” afternoon TV programme) so I rest assured I can carry out my work without fear of legal retribution, or a twenty quid fine from the local “beak”.
As you know…YOU DO KNOW DON’T YOU? … beavers will eat all the trees in Britain. They shall then start to break into places like Homebase and eat all the interwoven fencing, you would have to build a wall to form a barrier between you and your neighbour. Do you know how much it costs for a good brickie per hour?..DO YOU?
After all the fencing has been eaten, they will attack the sports shops next where they’ll eat the cricket bats and stuff. All the posh people wont have anything to do on a Sunday afternoon, and the worse case scenario is if you are an old sailor with a wooden leg, you won’t have it for long if a beaver gets a whiff of it!
Prices for the following “solutions” are available on application.
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| Alvin primes an ex-WWII Panzerfaust ready for Deanos |
Senior partner in my company and expert knife thrower, Alvin “Chinga Chuk” Hood (appearing for a come back show soon at Pontefract working men’s club after a long needed eye test at Specsavers, he was so upset at what happened to his lovely assistant Doreen last year), shall visit as requested. If you could nail the beaver to a revolving wagon wheel first, it would greatly help with his aim, I can tell you.
I myself am available for the “Gold Standard Beaver Eradication Solution”. Using the skills I trained in whilst in the Cubs (1957 and got all the badges!), I crawl up to within twenty yards of the “toothy terror” armed with “Panzerfaust” and let rip at the hairy tree terminator! Now its in heaven munching God’s trees!
You know where to find me!
BFN – Derrick Deanos.
PS: I am willing to travel with my large family anywhere in Yorkshire this year for a freeloading Christmas dinner, I want Turkey with those little sausages and stuff, failing that, I am accepting donations towards a festive visit to Subway in Castleford High Street!
Have a Merry Christmas, everyone on FM!
