Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees both the funny and darker side of life, and there are plenty of funny and dark goings-on in fishing. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the strange, the satirical, and the plain comical along the way.
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the whacky side of fishing life and grab a laugh or a lament along the way.
(Some or all of the stories contained herein may not be true, but there’s no smoke without fire….)
Strike..!!
Always at the forefront of all matters piscatorial, and flying in the face of angling periodicals that spawn websites, FM has decided to reverse that trend and to re-launch the glossy magazine called Strike..!! that was last seen on the newsstands two years ago.
There will be gossip, salacious scandal, compromising pics and articles to keep you up to date with all the news that the others dare not print.
No trashy magazine worth it’s name would miss out on a celebrity wedding, and Strike..!! has bagged the exclusive publishing rights to the event of the year. The on-off relationship between Wol and Cakey gets put on an official footing with the announcement of their forthcoming Civil Ceremony.
The bride (it’s not decided which one is which, yet) will wear a stunning outfit fashioned from heavy gauge carp sack material, with carefully concealed stretch panels inset into the midriff. This delightful, just below the knee, two-piece ensemble will be decorated with hundreds of fish-shaped pieces of rig foam, all carefully hand stitched by the brides’ mum.
And the hem of the skirt will have a multi-coloured fringe (this year’s hot catwalk look) made up of hundreds of plastic disgorgers of the type usually found Sellotaped to the front of angling weeklies.
The brides’ head dress will be designed by Ron Clay (milliner to the stars) and will feature a number of hand tied flies attached to carefully arranged short lengths of 30lb monofil, to give them the appearance of a swarm buzzing around as the bride walks down the aisle. The brides’ veil will be fashioned from extremely closely woven, impossible to see through, micromesh keep net material, for obvious reasons.
The groom will wear a bib and brace suit in the brand new ‘Artic’ screaming white camou pattern, decorated with rig beads, and featuring detachable tails on the coat. His cap will be from the Bob Nudd ‘Matrimonial’ range.
Catering is being organised by Castleford’s top chef and pastry gastronome, Deanos, and will comprise mostly of his infamous donkey pies and his newly introduced, beaver en croute range.
The honeymoon will be spent in the romantic Cotswold countryside at Horseshoe Lake, where they will have exclusive use of the secluded Bridal Bivvy. A specially commissioned 12-leg four-poster double bed chair with wipe clean cover has been installed. Discreet pouches on the side of the bed contain Esterberry flavoured condoms, Mars bars and a packet of Benson and Hedges to provide everything they need for before, during, and after their nuptials. (although not necessarily in that order….)
His and hers matching bivvy slippers have also been made available embroidered with the happy couples’ entwined initials. For reasons of privacy and discretion, an exclusion zone will be set up around the perimeter, and we are told than any buzzing noises that are heard through the night will not be coming from any bite alarms as the happy couple will be far too busy to do any fishing……
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Did they say “Best |
There were literally hundreds of offers for someone to give the bride away, but no confirmed news as yet on the identity of the Best Man. Rumours abound that it could be a Liverpool man in honour of Cakey’s support for that city’s famous football team. However, it looks like the bridesmaids have already been chosen as the Spiller brothers were recently seen trying on dresses at Marks and Spencers in Bristol. That makes perfect sense if Monk is doing the wedding pictures, given his previous track record. Might also explain the trouble finding a Best Man in case the tradition of him having to marry a bridesmaid if the wedding goes t*ts-up comes to pass.
Invitations will soon be going out to the selected few who have been chosen to attend what promises to be the event of the year. Given that the couple are, shall we say, not in the first flush of youth, the Wedding List will not feature the usual mundane kitchen utensils, but will concentrate on items from the top end of the extensive Elizabeth Duke range (and features mostly piercings, so nothing over twenty quid)
Also in the first issue of Strike!! we will have scoop exclusive pictures of the latest sports celebrity endorsing a product when a paparazzi shot of a capless Gary Knowles shows him with a fine head of hair courtesy of Re-Gain, the miracle baldness cure. Barbershops all over the country will be rubbing their hands with glee.
Just a word of caution, in that failing to follow the application instructions of Re-Gain to the letter can lead to massive over stimulation of the follicles. Witness that a certain member of the FM team found that he needed no make up at all when appearing as an extra in a recently released horror film.
And to show that it can be cerebral when it wants to, a regular Strike..!! feature will be Prof. Wintles’ Times Crossword challenging Quadratic Equation based Sodoku puzzle. Fiendishly complicated, all we are allowed to say about the first one is that some of the answers can be found in the results of the 4th in Section winners of the Wyre Piddle Team Championships of 1983/4 (Northern Region, Winter League, Group ‘B’, Mid-Week, Knock-Out Cup) Hope that hasn’t made it too easy….!
Last but not least, Strike..!! will be at the opening of a brand new attraction coming soon to the Midlands. We are all curious to see what goes on behind the closed doors of the rich and famous, and the latest stately home to do just that is Marsden Manor.
Access is to be strictly limited, but those queuing up to gaze in wonderment at the, until now, strictly private collection will certainly not be disappointed. Strike..!! has been granted a sneak preview, and the size and splendour of this lovingly assembled tackle collection just takes your breath away. The nearest we have ever seen to such a hoard is that of a Mr. Peter Jacobs, but that pales into significance compared to what Mr. Marsden has squirreled away over the years.
The jaw-dropping enormity of it all is well worth the (admittedly steep) admission price alone. Coach parties are advised to book in advance, and Mr. Marsden has advised that he might be available to give private tours, fee to be arranged and paid for in advance. We are assured that these private tours will include a tour around the world-famous wallet, but please remember to add sufficient time to your itinery if including this attraction.
So, rush down to your newsagent and place your order for Strike..!! right away. You won’t want to miss the first (and probably last) issue…….!!!!
