Since long before the age of Izaak, anglers have been writing about what they do and how they do it. We treasure some as tomes of wisdom, smile with nostalgia at others and sometimes laugh at how wrong they got it.
But today, in the age of instance massages, mobile internet access and busy online forums, writing about fishing has never been easier. Just look at me now! Here I am sat on a comfy sofa, sipping a cold drink and half-heartedly watching something awful on telly; yet I am still writing about fishing. I am not slaving over a typewriter and having to push things through to the sub editors and proof readers. I have been nowhere near any fish at all today, and nor for that matter have I picked up a fishing rod, but I can write about it, send it off to a bloke called Welchy and hey presto – I am an angling author.
In this time of ours a computer is as important to an angler as say, a tackle box or a rod rest. They are not vital to catch a fish but of extreme usefulness because on them we can scope out new waters, read the reams and reams of articles, while away a few minutes (hours?) at work and even keep up to date with all of the exciting fishy news. I know I love to hear that so and so has just caught a brace of forties on a new wonder bait and that a new type of split shot is about to revolutionise the way we cock our floats forever.
But it is internet forums that get the most traffic nowadays. Tens of thousands of posts, written by tens of thousands of bored anglers looking for a chance to talk fishing. The forums now are so big and so well-used it amazes me when I hear of someone who doesn’t use them. “What, really? Never?” I say “But they’re so much fun!”
That said, after hours and hours of exhaustive research (that’s code for five minutes on Google) I have come to a stark realisation: there are hundreds of articles out there telling us how to tie a hair rig or pole fish for F1’s but none whatsoever about how to become a valued and, moreover, respected member of the online angling community.
Surely this is an important lesson, is it not? After all most of us are never going to be valued and respected anglers on the back of actually catching fish and there must be many potential new internet anglers out there desperate to join in but who have not got the first idea of where to start. I saw this gap in the market and, after much thought, (mostly just now when I was sat on the loo) here is my easy to follow guide to being a true fishing hero – the angling keyboard warrior extraordinaire.
Choose a website
This is an easy one. There are loads out there – some for the beginner, some for specific species, others just for one club.
The last thing you want to do is pick a website that nobody looks at; find one of the larger ones, and read (yes, I am afraid some reading may be involved) a few of the posts, once you get a feeling of the mood of the site then make your decision.
What you are looking for is an outlet of suitable size, where you can express your views to a wide audience, a place where you can share your knowledge, your charms and, most important perhaps, your ego with the rest of the fishing world.
Decide who you are going to be
Before you even start typing you have to decide whether you are going to be yourself – like anyone actually does this – or become a whole new personality of your own devising.
I mean what could be more fun? Rather than be boring old you on the faceless internet you can decide who you are from scratch. Nobody will know who you really are, that you can’t tie a blood knot or even that your real name is Kelvin. Here you are the wordy warrior, the keyboard ninja, the angling version of Bruce Lee – just without the numb chucks.
Cultivating a persona is possibly the most important skill one can have in online fishing.
You may well be a mild mannered person who has never said boo to a goose (I have booed a number of wildfowl species but weirdly never a goose) however when it comes to being a successful internet forum poster this will just not cut it.
You are out to impress, you are about showing the world how amazing you are. Remember internet fishing is all about personality – pure and simple. It is no good being a shrinking violet if you are amongst a group of yelling china shop bulls. You need to be the red flag AND the one throwing glass houses at the stones.
Chose a name that says everything about who you want to be. Something like THE BARBEL MAGNET or BETTER THEN NUDD, anything suitably full of melodramatic meaning whilst retaining your overall coolness.
You may also need an avatar, the little picture you will become known by. For goodness sake do not have a picture of you holding a fish and smiling, what kind of respect will that give you? None, is what – only noddies smile, the proper anglers grimace when they catch fish. What you need to find is a picture that exudes mystique, suggests you are really interesting and which implies you are to be taken seriously.
Start a thread on a forum.
Once you have chosen your desired website and persona, your first job is to start a thread.
What you need to think about here is how many people are going to read it? It’s no good starting a thread with: “I really like those new split shot but what do you think?” You may get a few answers but these are going to be boring ones like “Yes they are amazing where can I buy them?” or “I can’t believe they are really that good! Truly blew me away!” Way too dull and you will achieve no kudos!
What you are trying to achieve is more than one whole page of replies, preferably three or four – this is called a ‘discussion’ and the more ‘discussions’ you spark the better.
You see, each one of these replies is a virtual bite, the more bites you get the better your day. Look at your thread as if it were a carefully planned swim. Your ‘bait’ has to be the right one and it has to be placed in the right place. If you do this then you will surely get a few nibbles, get it really right and the entire rod will be pulled out your hands.
With this in mind there are certain subjects that will always get lots of virtual fishies; a few to get you started are: otters, barbel, unhooking mats, putting fish in keepnets, barbel, Eastern Europeans, otters, the EA, barbel, cormorants, otters and barbel.
Reading the comments of others – and how to take them.
Remember earlier I said you should read a few posts. Well, from now on I want you to forget that. What a good internet angler does is only read the bits of posts that can be taken out of context or be seen as potentially inflammatory.
Say, for example, someone challenges you with what split shot you are using; perhaps he has yet to try the new ones and does not see the point. His post may look innocent to a more rational version of you, but remember this is internet fishing and rationality does not apply. His derision was not aimed towards the split shot but at you personally and it is vital that you learn to defend yourself.
Learn to use the quotation function, quote the bits that could possibly be averse to you, then hit him hard with bad punctuation and plenty of exclamation marks. Bear in mind that almost every post has been written by a man who is out to get you therefore anything he has said about your post that could have been a criticism or a slight slur was meant to be a personal insult and should be jumped upon with the up most ferocity.
Talking the locks of bol
If I were to sit down and write a thesis or a factual essay, you would rightfully assume that I had done my research and made sure everything in the text is correct or provable. Believe me this is a great hindrance.
Happily, you need not worry about the facts when on a fishing forum. Just make it up, say it with enough oomph and, as I said previously, use plenty of exclamation marks!!!!!!
You also need not worry about speelign mustakes or grammar what ain’t not good. This is fishing we are talking about here, not 18th century literature. Nobody will go through your posts with a red pen and write ‘not good enough’ next to it. Most websites have a spell check function but only the weak and weird use it. After all, spelling is for girls.
You can tell when your skills start to improve as your posts will get longer and longer until eventually they are filled with cross referenced quotes with 300 word explanations underneath as to why the other poster was wrong. Remember the simple rule – the longer the post, the more intelligent you look.
Melodrama
This is hugely important. You have to be taken seriously here, being taken seriously is next only to respect in importance.
Your posts should be full of worse case scenarios, terrible predictions and as much hyperbole as you can fit into five sentences. Remember you are never wrong, only you know how to fish ‘properly’ and everything is coloured in black and white. There can be no grey areas in your posts, it is your way or the highway baby.
If a ‘discussion’ is not going your way a good trick is to pretend to leave; type something along the lines of “This will be my last post on this subject” or “As none of you listen I am never going to post on this website again!!!!!!”
It is, of course a feint. After two or three more posts by others, you then can come back with a vengeance! Type out a 2000 word tirade full of vitriol and venom and really show them who the boss is. Do this and you will come across as a man of tenacity, of content and, most of all, it will win the respect you so deserve.
To sum up
The future of fishing lies not in carp filled ponds or in restoring rivers; nor is it getting youngsters involved and teaching them good practice and an understanding of nature.
The future of fishing is to be sat behind a keyboard typing vitriol in a ‘discussion’ with your fellow warriors. Perhaps one day nobody will even do any fishing, all there will be is empty banks and forums full of angrier and angrier ex-anglers.
It could even be a case that one day, one halcyon day, someone will write something so profound, so perfect, that there will be no need for any further ‘discussion’. The likelihood of this happening is so remote we may as well commission monkeys to type Shakespeare but you never know? Where would that leave us then? We would be lost. All that would be left to do would be to pick up a rod and get our feet muddy.
It would be a terrible day indeed, but one which fortunately seems further and further away each day. So until that time I wish you respect seekers good luck. Long live the internet ‘discussions’ and all those brave souls who partake in them.
