The Alternative Angler – Parking Rules?

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Parking Rules?

The number of parking spaces allocated to new homes is severely curtailed in accordance with strict Government guidelines in an effort to persuade us to abandon our cars and switch to the much more convenient and reliable public transport available to us all (pause for huge bellows of laughter). Now, it has come to the attention of the powers that be, that some of these precious parking spaces are not even being taken up by cars. They are being used to park caravans, motor homes and the like.

It goes without saying that we can all agree that caravans are a menace on the roads as well as apparently now on driveways, and the only way to deal with this is to increase the taxation burden on those responsible. Raising the Road Fund Licence for those with tow bars was one option, but wouldn’t affect drivers with those lumbering motor homes, so in order to raise a significant amount of revenue, caravans/motor homes and any form of temporary dwelling is to be classed as second (holiday) homes, and will attract a additional precept on the Community Charge, wherever they are situated.

As part of the sweeping legislation brought in to cover this, all manner of temporary sites allowing overnight stays will have to be licensed. Areas such as caravan parks, camping sites, lorry parks (getting the message…!) fishing venues, etc.

These overnight stay sites will have their own strict regulations, and anyone being permitted to stay there will have to show that have their own Public Liability insurance in place. This is to protect against claims for accidents such as tripping over guy ropes, disposable barbeques, bowls of washing up, etc, in the dark.

The good news is that having organised permanent temporary fishing sites means that a whole raft of cross over equipment will now be available to anglers. For a start all these legitimate sites will have to employ customer service managers to ensure that everything goes smoothly with your stay. On-site facilities will be provided such as a communal ablutions and a shop where you can purchase those necessary requisites, beginning with food at astronomical prices, toiletries such as soap, toothpaste, etc (perhaps not, we are talking about long-stay anglers, after all) together with postcards and stamps, so you can write home to your loved ones.

Also, entertainment will be laid on, starting with early morning callisthenics for the more energetic (perhaps not, we are talking about long-stay anglers, after all) and in the clubhouse you can enjoy bingo, whist and many other sedentary games that will be on offer, to break up those long spells of boredom. And, of course, each site will have its own betting shop with lottery terminal, just in case ‘It might be you’.

In addition, in order to continue the home-from-home feel, various other essentials will be available to the long stay angler. Secondary double glazing will be offered for your bivvy door panel, those lucky enough to have twin skinned bivvies will be able to benefit from cavity wall insulation. We haven’t heard of anyone attempting to apply stone cladding to their bivvy yet, but you never know. Those who are planning a really long stay can apply for a nearby allotment, (another piece of up and coming compulsory legislation). This will be handy for growing fresh fruit and veg, a compost heap for worms, interesting exotic weeds…etc. And also it will be provided with a shed where you can go and sit to get away from the pressures of going fishing.

On the electrical front, first up, and almost compulsory, is the Sky dish for the TV, available in ReallyTwee pattern, of course. Relaxation of the planning laws mean that solar panels can now be fitted to your bivvy, along with wind turbines, all of which are necessary to power the range of must-have electrical accessories. To begin with, of course, is a musical chime bivvy doorbell, microwave, beer fridge, electric rotisserie for the (brick built) barbeque, halogen floodlight(s) with PIR activation. Powered boilie rolling tables will become available in the near future.

With far more people on the bankside, attention has to be paid to noise pollution, and alarm manufacturers are doing their bit to remedy this. As most alarms are deployed at night, they will now come with newly developed lunar panels to save on batteries, and all will be fitted with a snooze button you can activate the second they go off so as to avoid waking other anglers.

Those long-stay barbel anglers haven’t been forgotten, and they will also have the additional option of portable hydroelectric turbines to place in the river to help top up their electrical supplies, although if too many deploy this option, the water flow will be reduced, and they will become stillwater barbel anglers. Now there’s a dilemma…