Absolute Blankers

Mallet Man

Yet to discover that rod pods will do all of the hard work, this angler ensures that the carp and every thing else is aware of his presence as he belts in bank sticks with a mallet. See how he thunders twenty yards down the bank when his bite alarm finally signals a fish. Feel the bank vibrate to those size elevens and get every word of his conversation with his mate across the lake. One to avoid if you want a peaceful afternoon’s roach fishing.

Skyliner

Bane of the keen river angler, whether you’re after chub, barbel or roach. Watch how he walks right along the edge of the river bank until, standing right behind you, he bellows “Not much about is there?” Send him on his way with a cheery instruction that six fields up there’s a swim full of fish but with a dodgy ankle you couldn’t manage it today. You might get rid of him for long enough for the fish to return.

The snotty-nosed kid

I suppose we were all kids once. These come in several varieties, from the precocious know-it-all trying to tell you what bait to use to the rank novice with the float set two foot deep fishing a yard out with an eyed hook crammed with maggots tied to eight pound line. I have been known to feel sorry for the genuine novice. I relent and tie on a proper hook, and get them catching fish (sometimes their first!). Beware the scrounger though who wants to buy a hook and some shot; like Oliver they keep coming back for more.

Tightwad?

Being careful with money is no crime but in fishing it’s often the case that you need to feed them up a bit if you want to catch them. Giving each maggot a pet name is plain ridiculous. Sealing all the holes in the feeder keeps them dry but frustrates rather than tempts the fish. It applies to tackle; you don’t need the absolute best but an old bean stick is limiting to say the least.

The green-eyed monster

Adamant that “them experts” only ever fish private waters where the fish are half tame and easy to catch, he explains away his own lack of success due to the poor quality of the waters that he fishes. The fact that countless free, day ticket and club waters, including the ones he fishes, are all capable of producing every fish he ever dreamed of is irrelevant to his blinkered views. Best upset by catching a big one in front of his very eyes.

Idle Jack?

This fellow found a simple and lazy way to fish years ago. It rarely catches him any fish but he doesn’t actually care. It’s less effort any way not to have to disturb his peace by having all that effort unhooking a fish. Apart from occupying a swim near the car park, he’s harmless and best left alone to enjoy his solitude.

The Match Scene

It’s all very well reading articles by the likes of Nudd, Scotthorne and Harrell as they explain their success away. These guys, and plenty more like them, win far more than the law of averages decrees. That means that at the bottom there’s a load of pools fodder keeping the experts in the way to which they’ve become accustomed. There are several varieties.

The tackle tart of the match

Spending every spare penny on tackle, this man is the tackle tart of the match world. The best rods, poles, box, reels; you name it he’s got it. Everything except the ability to actually catch loads of fish and win. He strikes all the right poses, and at first glance looks the business. Team captains looking for new talent often come across this man. The penny drops when they check out the poser’s results. Sometimes explains away poor results by blaming his rod, pole etc.

Smash and Grab

Born with a clumsy gene, strikes like Zoro and breaks rods for a pastime. He may try to weigh in a pair of lips from a fish unfortunate enough to take his bait. Near Christmas, he likes to decorate far bank bushes with a variety of floats. Listen out for the crack as he sends a feeder into orbit.

The Wrecker

You’re putting that stick float down beautifully, the roach are coming to net and you get this b*****d upstream of you. After an hour of catching little he mixes up a bowlful of groundbait and chucks the lot in three yards upstream of you, killing your swim, then packs up gleefully telling you how he’s stopped you catching. I got my revenge on one by switching to bleak after he’d gone and winning the section. Then telling him later how nice it was to have pools fodder on the next peg.

The Amateur

This is the old guy who’s never won a match in his life. He gets a few but never enough. On more than one occasion I’ve seen someone like this weigh in what they think is finally enough. Everyone congratulates him then he’s almost reduced to tears as some young upstart ace beats him from the last section. Sad.

The Has Been

Better than a Never Was I suppose but the secret of match success is to move with the times, whether tactics, bait or tackle, and preferably keep ahead of the pack. The occasional brown envelope when all that experience pays off keeps him coming back for more punishment.

The Numpty

Named after Sid Huggins, occasionally successful but tactically flawed, they rarely do their effort justice. While all around get great lumps, these are the guys flogging away at the plips. Often loses more than he lands.

That’s it for this time. Just remember all these guys are just making sure there are more fish left for you to catch. Keep Smiling.