Carp Stalkers Ltd

Two modern-day carp heroes decide to change their tactics after seven years camping out on their ultra-secret, ultra-exclusive, and ultra-expensive syndicate water. Especially since they had failed to catch anything – including ‘Mary’s friend’s cousin twice-removed’ – reputed to be a monster common carp that would easily beat the record.

Understandably they are a little rusty (and more than a little crusty) after spending so long bolt-rigging the far margins, and so consult their current copy of ‘Carp Chat Daily’ for ideas. And there they see it. The advertisement read ‘Carp Stalkers Limited (CSL), A New Tactical Approach Guaranteed to Produce Carp – Call Damien on 800-666-666. What have you got to lose?’

After a moment’s reflection, six cans of lager, and a boil-in-the-bag curry our intrepid duo decide to give it a try.

“First of all I need your names,” said Damien.

“I’m known as RealTree and this is BaitBoat, his friends know him as BB,” came the reply.

Like all Proper Carp, all Proper Carpers have their own special names. The significance of the name ‘BB’ was lost on all three carpers, as the original ‘BB’ never appears in the pages of ‘Carp Chat Daily’ and so is unknown to them.

“Payment up front,” said Damien, “After all, carp business is carp business.”

With no money left after their seven-year campaign, RealTree and BB dejectedly turn to leave. “No problem, you have souls I presume? I’ll take those in place of cash,” said a smiling Damien.

Unfortunately neither RealTree nor BB had souls. RealTree traded his for a place in the syndicate, and BB parted with his in payment for the hook that Chris Yates used to catch his Redmire record, that came up for sale on eBay two weeks earlier. Luckily, RealTree’s grandmother was still alive, and Damien was more than happy to take her soul in payment for the stalking information.

A young Jim Gibbinson relaxes

This information consisted of a folder, in which there was but a single sheet of paper, with the following instructions: ‘Stalking is easy, once you know the basics. Here is the address of Jim Gibbinson, the famous carp angler and writer, and the number plate of his car. Wait outside his house, and when he goes fishing, simply follow him and fish where he does. Preferably wait until he’s gone home, but if you can’t wait, just get out your mallet and start hammering in your bivvy pegs in the next swim. That usually does the trick.’

RealTree and BB had never heard of this Jim Gibbinson character (like the original BB, Mr Gibbinson never appears in ‘Carp Chat Daily’), so they asked their friend, Old Carper. “Oh yes, Jim’s famous – he’s the brother of the guy that invented the monkey climber,” came the reply.

They nodded sagely and thanked Old Carper, even though they had no idea what a monkey climber was. Nevertheless this encouraged them, and RealTree and BB followed the instructions to the letter.

After shadowing Jim’s car for some time they are mystified when he drives to a seedy-looking area at the estuary of a small river. They guess that this is just a tactic designed to throw stalkers off the scent, and that Jim is going to board a small boat and ferry himself to the secret carp lake he always fishes. They feel fortunate that they are towing behind their car their latest baitboat – a 15 foot model designed to take 25 kilos of boilies, four seven ounce bolt rigs, and two video cameras to the far margins of any known lake, and so they can use it to track Jim’s ferry.

But before they start to unhook the trailer, they are stopped in their tracks by Jim’s next action. Out of his car he pulls a silly hat (which he promptly puts on his head) and two mysterious objects. A long cloth bag, and a strange black box. Their knuckles whiten as they clutch their binoculars tighter to their bulging, disbelieving eyes. Out of the bag Jim pulls what appears to be a rod. But it has three sections (all Proper Carp Rods have two sections) and no reel attached, so it takes some time for our intrepid stalkers to realize that it really is a rod.

The sections are assembled, and now it looks more like a rod, but without the reel it appears almost naked. Jim opens the black box and produces what RealTree and BB guess might be a reel – assuming that the baitrunner lever must have broken off in transit, probably a result of it not being where reels should be at all times – attached to a Proper Carp Rod.

Attaching the reel to the rod, Jim then proceeds to enact a ritual that stumps the stalkers. He appears to be slowly moving up the rod, threading line through the rings. RealTree and BB feel fortunate that they are videotaping the whole procedure, because they would never remember to do this. Whatever the significance of the ritual, presumably it was important. The mystification of RealTree and BB at Jim’s strange actions is understandable. When they bought their carp gear for the seven-year session, the first time they had ever fished, the reels were attached to the rods, and the line was already threaded through the rings, and remained so throughout their marathon session.

After fiddling about with something at the end of his line, Jim cast out, sat on that mysterious black box, and held his rod. All this was too much for BB, who just had to find out what was going on. Where was Jim’s rod pod? When was he going to erect his bivvy? And where had he hidden his bedchair?

Sidling up to Jim with the air (and aroma) of a seasoned bivvy-dweller, BB asked Jim, “so what’s in here then mate?”

“Well, I’m fishing for mullet,” said Jim. BB nodded wisely, gave Jim a knowing wink, and walked off, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Now he knew. Although he had never before heard of a carp named ‘mullet’, the mere fact that it was unknown to him and had a Proper Carp name must mean it is huge. “Stands to reason,” he reported back to RealTree, “otherwise why would a famous angler and writer like Jim What’s-his-name be after it?”

This was enough for the stalkers. They could contain themselves no longer. They had to start their campaign for ‘mullet’. But before they could fish Jim’s swim, obviously they needed the correct gear. Fortunately there was a tackle shop just down the road, and in they walked. “Quick – we need a Shakespeare 13 foot match rod, a broken baitrunner, and one of those black plastic seat boxes – six matching sets please”.

Jim was startled by the sounds of uproarious laughter that reached his ears. Such jollity was never before heard emanating from Serious Bob’s Carp Emporium, the shop from which Realtree and BB had attempted to make their purchases.

RealTree and BB shamefacedly slunk out of the Emporium, heads in their hands, the taunts and laughter of Serious Bob’s serious carp anglers echoing in their ears, realizing they could never show their faces in Proper Carp Circles ever again. As they did, Jim was sure he heard someone say “Pssst. Damien sent me. You guys want to buy a jet ski?”