The election campaign is well under way and it seems like it’s still all to play for. The major political parties of the UK are locked in a monster battle to decide who will govern the country and all will be decided on May 6th – or will it? The Swing-o-Meter needs several new pointers, and the odds are shortening on a hung parliament, where no single party holds an overall majority. Already, some of the minor parties are being wooed by the ‘big three’ but what’s in it for us? Which of the minor parties hold important views on angling.
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| Swing-o-Meter |
The Real United Kingdom Independence Party (RUKIP): – Their main thrust is to sever all ties with Europe. However, an in depth study of their manifesto reveals some startling policies. To bring down the terrible deficit we are facing they are proposing to sell off The Falkland Islands to Argentina, Gibraltar to the Spanish and in a rather radical proposal, Cornwall to the French!
To further their ideals of a nation bathed in nostalgia they have taken a leaf out of the much-loved Test Match Special in proposing compulsory coverage of fishing matches on the radio. Carp Match Special (CMS), exploring the, as yet, untapped potential of radio media for gripping the nation with a cast by cast coverage of fishing matches. If successful, the commentary teams are being put together including Matt Hayes and Keith Arthur, with summaries by Bob Nudd MBE.
The Alternative British National Party (ABNP): – This far right political party is proposing repatriation of all non-native species of fish. When it was pointed out that this meant that this would mean the exclusion of Rainbow Trout, Catfish, Common Carp; Orfe; Zander and barring migratory Salmon and Eels the Party leader said he wasn’t against the fish personally but that the waterways of Britain were full and they would have to go to make room for British fish. Hybrids are in for even worse treatment!
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| BANNED in future! |
As far as baits are concerned the ABNP will enforce a strict whites only policy on maggots. Their view on segregation means no longer will you pop down the tackle shop for a pint of mixed! If you don’t like it keep it to yourself if you don’t want some skinheads wearing ‘Love Britain or F*** Off’ T-shirts jack-booting down your street!
The Other Green Party: – To cope with the extraordinary financial situation and in an effort to keep anglers off the banks they will advise a ‘carbon’ tax on carbon fibre rods to encourage a move to a sustainable split cane or carbon neutral glass fibre rod economy. Average tax on a 12 foot barbel rod will be £35 whilst a 14 metre pole will be an extortionate £155. Ground-baiting and loose feeding will be criminalised as polluting water courses.
The Climate Change Party: – The CCP Hold the opposing view that the use of carbon fibre rods could be the salvation of the planet! The excess carbon in our atmosphere would be sequestered in fishing rods. The rods will be compulsory, and grant aided, in fact a day’s fishing with two carbon fibre rods would be the equivalent of taking three thousand cars off the road.(Source: Statistics are Us – Statistics to suit all occasions). Anglers fishing with five or more carbon rods at a time could be eligible for tax rebates.
New British Communist Party: – If this lot have the casting vote they will demand that government Nationalise all land, rivers and lakes. Angling will become ‘The Opium of the People’. They also promise to organise revolution to free the working classes from the capitalist bourgeois ruling class.
Death, Dungeons and Taxes Party: – The party’s manifesto advocates reducing the school leaving age to nine, the annexation of France, and the reintroduction of hanging, but only for “minor offences” such as littering. By contrast, murderers would be disembowelled, along with improper users of text language. The proposed rate of tax was 90%. Immigrants would be repelled with boiling oil and longbows at all ports and airports.
The Fancy Dress Party: – A rather frivolous party in the mould of The Monster Raving Loony Party. Their ingenious policy is to use a smaller font size to automatically reduce the unemployment statistics.
The Sensible Party: – Features the major commitment of their long held pledge to abolish income tax, citing as always that it was only meant to be a temporary measure during the Napoleonic Wars. Furthermore, any MP whose constituency sells off a school playing field for development will be required to relinquish their own back garden as a replacement sports facility for the school. In addition, my own favourite, the introduction of a 99p coin to “save on change”.
Traditional Angling Party (TAP): – Believe in only permitting cane or split cane rods and monofilament line. The production and selling of bait to be banned, the angler only using what they can find on the bank, or what they can tie from fur and feathers.
Extreme Traditional Angling Party (ETAP): – Apart from ‘Angler Only’ shortlists for their candidate choice they intend to enforce the use of homemade rods from willow branches, plaited horsehair lines; gut hook links and wire hooks.
Fogeys Against Radical Tackle (FART): – A load of old windbags moaning on about how good it was in my day. Could have strong support from the ‘Grey’ vote.
Natural Law Party thinking of making a comeback stating that Yogic flying could solve the defence budget. A dedicated team of yogic flyers would form an invincible barrier against all enemies; the savings could be huge. For carp anglers transcendental meditation techniques could make those bite-less hours pass in an instant.
Andy Scholey and Kevin Perkins
(Warning to all guests and newcomers to FishingMagic, THIS IS A SPOOF! Just in case you thought it was for real.)
