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He is also a very keen angler, having come back to the sport in 1995 following a break of several years. In this regular column he will tell us about his progress as an angler – his thoughts about the sport, what he learns, the fishing trips he makes, the anguish, the humour, in fact everything he experiences as his angling career develops.
Pilgrim’s Progress – read it everyThursday!
The Tongue In Cheek Guide To Carp Fishing
Following on from my carp exploits, as reported in last weeksPilgrim’s Progress, I have decided to write a beginner’s guide tocarp fishing – tongue in cheek version. So, if you’ve been thinkingof doing some carp fishing yourself, but haven’t known where tostart, believe me, this article is The Definitive Guide.
First of all, and this is one of the most important things you’llneed, get yourself a white van. It doesn’t need to be brand new, asecond hand one will do. In fact, even if it’s a bit battered, noproblem. But, and this is important. It must be white. And it must bea van. I must admit I’m not quite there yet myself. I have a blueRover. Which brings me to the second piece of equipment you willneed.
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A wheelbarrow. Actually, if you don’t have a white van, it’s notreally the end of the world. What you can do is park your car down aquiet lane somewhere and make an entry with your wheelbarrow. Nowthis will really impress the other anglers when you make yourentrance onto the lake grounds. Now let me say at this point, thereare wheelbarrows and there are wheelbarrows. We are not talking£ 9.99 from B&Q here. No way. If you paid less than £ 100forget it. We’re talking big bucks. Anything less and you may as wellforget calling yourself a real carp angler.
The common denominator, of course, with all types of fishing, is arod and reel. Unless you’re one of those pole anglers, and thatdoesn’t count, because it’s not proper fishing. So get yourself downto your local tackle shop and check out the carp rods and reels. Buta word of warning. You may get an unscrupulous tackle dealer thatwants to discount your choice of rod and reel. Beware of people likethis. If the list price of the rod is £ 299, do not, I repeat donot, consider paying less. Serious carp fishing is not something tobe had ‘on the cheap’. If the dealer insists on selling you that rodfor £ 100 discount, show your disgust by walking out of the shopand letting him know you are taking your business to the guy down theroad, who charges the full price.
The same principle applies to the rest of your tackle. The tackleshop owner that wants to do you a deal is, to put it mildly, simplynot worth supporting. He is obviously not sympathetic with the truecarp angler. So have nothing to do with him. Make sure that all thetackle you buy is not only the most expensive that you can get, butalso that it carries a prominent logo of a well known company. Youmay get called a ‘tackle tart’ or even worse by other anglers,particularly those who aren’t carp fishermen, which after all is tobe expected. But don’t let that deter you. Jealousy is one of thethings that you will have to put up with now that you are going to bea carp angler.
Of course, once you’ve bought all this gear (and I would recommendno less than £ 10,000 to start up) you’ll need somewhere to keepit when you’re fishing. Get a bivvie. You will be faced with a wholearray of choices, but again, go for the best. Don’t let anymisinformed people tell you that you can buy a bivvie for less than£ 100. Believe me, if you want to take carp fishing seriously,you’ll be the laughing stock of the lake if you pitch something thatcheap.
Once in your bivvie, you’ll need a cooker. Even for short daysessions, it is important you have full cooking facilities at hand.And of course a TV to while away the hours waiting for a bite. And abivvie table. Plus a portable fridge. And a mini bar packed with theultimate beverage for the serious carp angler – full strength lager.Don’t forget, in order to do battle with the most intelligent fish inthe water, you’ll need to put in some serious time. And while you’rewaiting for the whacker to turn up, it’s important to be ascomfortable and well looked after as possible.
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Bait is another area that needs important consideration. Due toits Mensa level of intelligence a carp is able to detect whether akilo of boilies has 5g of betaine added to it or 6g. Whilst the likesof me and you may not know our caseins from our caseinates, a carphas the ability to detect the exact content and ingredients list of aboilie from more than 100 metres away. So don’t think you’re beingclever by omitting key ingredients to produce a cheap boilie, everycarp knows Methionine in the L-form equates to CH3 S(CH2) 2 CH(NH2),COOH. So whatever you do, don’t try and insult its intelligence bytrying to pull the wool over its eyes. It won’t work.
While we are discussing bait, there is another important pointthat I must make if you are to become a successful carper. You mustNEVER disclose the bait that you use to anyone. If by some chance,some insensitive person ignores your polite sign that you’ve placedon the back of your bivvie telling them to ‘go away’ and actuallyinvades your space, throw towels, plastic sheets, whatever is athand, over your bait buckets. Regarding your boilie recipe, this mustbe so secret that not even your wife should know what ingredients youuse. As a matter of fact, if you don’t feel that you could withholdinformation like that from your better half, you are faced with twochoices. You either get married or you become a carp angler. Youcannot have it both ways. The choice is yours.
Of course, we must never forget the object of carp fishing…whichis…to catch carp. We don’t live in the day of stuffed fish in glasscases any longer, but the concept of the trophy is still important.But instead of the taxidermist, we have the photographer. Choice ofcamera is important. It must be expensive and come with so manygadgets that it takes half an hour to set up. Which is where yourcarp sack comes in handy. Although it may seem like a burden attimes, don’t, I repeat, don’t go for the easy option and get one ofthose cameras that other anglers use. You know the sort, cheap, easyto use, produces good photos.
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While we’re on the subject of photographs, there is anotherimportant point to consider. When it comes to the actual moment thatthe click takes place – DO NOT SMILE. I don’t care if you’ve caughtthe fish of a lifetime. I’m not interested in the fact you’ve beenfishing for 30 years and this is your first ’20’. There are noexcuses allowed on this one. In fact, if you really want to join theelite of the carp fishing world, not only do you not smile, but youmust actually look as miserable as possible. Happy, smiling anglersare okay in the world of barbel, chub and roach, but carp fishing isREAL fishing. It’s serious business. There is no time for fun,laughter and enjoyment.
And finally, if you really want to make the grade as a fullyfledged carp angler get yourself an attitude. Next time a kid comesup and asks if you’ve caught anything let rip with all the aggressionthat you have. Don’t be nice to him, for all you know he may grow upone day, take up angling himself and actually fish in your swim, theone that you’ve been baiting. If you really want to look thebusiness, shave your head and get some tattoos, preferably with ‘love’ and’hate’ on your knuckles. Happy carping.
Well, providing I haven’t beenlynched by the Carp Society, or hung drawn and quartered by the CarpForum on FISHINGmagic, I’ll be back next week reminiscing about timesgone by. Join me as I’ve been getting ‘All Nostalgic In My OldAge’.
The Reverend Stewart R Bloor
Sedgley International Christian Ministries
PO Box 1216, Dudley. DY3 1GW.
Telephone : 01384 – 828033
Web site : www.sicm.org
e-mail : missionscentre@sicm.org
