The news that Tickle Tackle are close to issuing a new catalogue for 2006 certainly woke up the dozing (and dozy) directors of Tart Tackle, so without further ado here are the products you’ve been waiting for:
The Oafish Range of Rods Recognising the need for match rods that could deal with F1, F2, F3 and Formula Ford carp, and that the typical angler who fishes for them has knuckles dragging the ground, Tart Tackle are please to launch the ‘Oafish’ range of rods.
There’s no finesse with these rods, just pulling power. To customise them we’ve long recognised that many of these anglers use rods with handles liberally coated in rock-hard groundbait so these come with a customising pack of sawdust and two-part epoxy resin to mix a suitable glutinous mess that can be moulded around the reel seat and left to set once you’ve shaped it a little. It’s best to coat your hands in grease first because you’ve only got five minutes before it sets, and a too literal version of ‘extension of your right arm’ might not be quite what you are looking for! True, these rods are not quite as light as some other models on the market but they are tough as old boots, and for £ 7.99 what do you expect? Matt grey finish? Nah! Cork handles? Nah! Titanium framed rings? Nah! You’ll have to make do with super flash finish, imitation Duplon, and mild steel wire rings, but at this price you can always buy another in a month’s time. To play fish with these rods just point it at the fish and crank; using our new reels of course.
Winch ’em Out with Winch Reels Which brings us nicely onto our new range of ‘Winch’ reels, highly acclaimed by the consumer magazine ‘Winch’. This new range of reels are based on the technology that is used to winch boats up a beach, these can crank anything in. Power assisted and able to crank ANYTHING in, why bother with anything else? A tad heavier than other reels it’s true but the backroom boys hope to bring a new model out next year that weighs less than four pounds. They aren’t that good at casting either but F’ing carp come in close anyway so that’s not really a problem. A snip at £ 3.99 plus postage at £ 35.00.
The Ate-inch Range Whereas if you do need to cast further our new, heavily discounted, range of fixed spool reels are priced so cheaply that you’ll find it hard to believe. We find it hard to believe too. Known as the ‘Ate-tinch’ range, the manufacturer desperately needed to offload this ten container load at prices close to their scrap value (not so sure he didn’t pay us as it saved paying land-fill tax?). It seems that somewhere in a design office in western Ohio the European specifications for the length of the reel stem some how got converted from centimetres to inches then back again in Shanghai so it seems we have forty five thousand reels with eight inch reel stems. These do present certain difficulties for trotting but who trots a float nowadays? No one, and as long as you adapt to holding the line in your left hand when casting there shouldn’t be too much of a problem. £ 3 each, ten for £ 25.
Clog-Em Power Poles Worries about reels can be left far behind with new ‘Clog-Em’ power pole. Just four metres, (or is it yards?, whatever), this pole is made using the same technology as millions of clothes-line poles so it’s well-proven technology. The weight of the pole is pretty similar to a clothes-line pole as well which is why it’s so short. Don’t want to do yourself a mischief, do you? Our research revealed that the average pole angler can’t even see a pole float at sixteen metres so why invest in hundreds of thousands to develop such unwanted technology (we haven’t got hundreds of thousands) so a job lot of clothes-line poles ought to be just the ticket. We’ll even let you customise the pole to your own design so feel free to scrape off the ‘EZE-prop’ logo. And where else could you pick up such a fabulous baggin’ machine for less than a tenner?
Hawser Line With rods, poles and reels this tough you need a line to match. Introducing ‘Hawser’ line, thick as steel rope, and nearly as tough, have no fears if you hook a passing cabin cruiser. Just winch them in, secure in the knowledge that at least that will be one less weekend sailor to annoy you. True the fish may die laughing as they swim around it but you can’t have it all ways can you? We can sell you a tin of camouflage paint to disguise it, and the best of luck to you. One-ton £ 50 per hundred metres, ten-ton, £ 300 per hundred metres.
Introducing the Reverse Paint Float Having got the fish laughing let’s finish the job off. After years of translucent or other disguised floats we introduce the reverse paint float. Fish have long wised up to clear floats but when they see a float that is fluorescent underwater they think that it can’t possibly be a serious attempt to catch them and fall for your bait. As our paint shop has gone on strike we sell you ordinary floats plus a tin of fluorescent paint and a paint brush, all for £ 5 per float.
Keep it Quiet, but here comes Sshhingull! Now we’ve been stopped from raiding Chesil Beach for stone type leger weights we’ve struck a deal with Amey Roadstone to deliver large shingle direct to your door. For £ 40 per cubic metre plus delivery according to location, plus a free 3mm masonry drill we are pleased to launch Sshhhingull. Use any leftovers to re-gravel your drive. It’s not brilliant as leger weights but fantastic value for money.
Revolutionary Ring Pullz Finally, inspired by an item in this year’s ACA Review, we introduce ‘Ring Pullz’ for the lazy carp angler. It consists of a rig ring with a hair link attached to put a boilie on. When you get a bite the ring will pull out of the fishes mouth, theoretically leaving it confused, though not as confused as the other anglers. At least you won’t need to take an unhooking mat, scales or camera, and can turn your buzzers off if you want, safe in the knowledge that the carp cannot come to any harm whilst you slumber through the days and nights.
So there you have it, just a taster of hundreds of exciting products to be found in our new catalogue, sensibly priced at £ 199, and available via a PO box in the Netherlands under plain cover.
And our message to Tickle Tackle, “There are truly no depths to which we will not sink”.
