Previously specialist anglers were known as ‘Specimen Hunters’, and easy to recognise by their ex-army camouflage gear, but recently several new variations have been identified.
Barbus Traditionalus
Distinguished by big floppy hat, Barbour coat, expensive cane rod and centrepin reel this subspecies is rapidly increasing in numbers on many faster rivers. A creature of habit, found in the same swims every week. Thought to dine on roast otter stuffed with luncheon meat, it is extremely territorial and should be approached with care. If upset, it is likely to lecture you on watercraft and Wallis casting. A rare and pious variant (barbus literati) dislikes actually catching fish at all, is often distraught at actually removing a fish from the water, and recommends counselling for all fish caught. Extremely sensitive, it travels vast distances to avoid the hoi polloi, and to ensure that fish only get caught once by Himself, as others are not sufficiently worthy…..
Ack Ack Carpus
Easy to spot by the battery of rods pointing at the water and the huge bivvy, and fairly common (some would say very common). All baits have been cast to the furthest corners of the lake making it virtually unusable by anyone else. Carries several tons of gear including TV and microwave. Best to keep upwind as a diet of baked beans and no showers has its downside after a week. He catches most fish when fast asleep, and may not be aware that he actually caught them until he gets a film processed. Thinks watercraft is a small boat used to distribute bait. Wears camouflage gear but stands bolt upright to launch gear into far distance. It probably would have been simpler to have walked around the lake and cast five yards….
Camo Stalkus
So cunningly concealed that it is best to kick a tree before taking a Jimmy Riddle against it, just in case. Ex SAS and best left alone. Probably fishing your swim without you realising, just hope he’s not freelancing for the DHSS if you’re claiming a sickie. That rustling sound is not necessarily a mouse….
Esox Lurus
Formerly the preserve of kids, the art of chucking a spinner has gained massive popularity pushed by manufacturers that quickly realised the profit potential of someone chucking £ 10 lures into the trees. Not called jerk baits for nothing. He is capable of annoying everything in and out of the water in less than an hour. Best to wear a hard hat if in the vicinity……
Slugus Slingus
The slug slinger is the opposite to the above. All bait should be free and preferably big. Now thought to be rare. Distraught when the use of crayfish and frogs was outlawed, though has accepted that use of live ducks is out of order. Keeps slugs in pockets, which he may absentmindedly pop into his mouth thinking it’s a toffee. Sometimes spotted in the sea fishing section in your local tackle shop looking for ever bigger hooks……
Circus Pythonus
This one is hard to identify except by vehicle registration plates. A face that has seen a million cameras but rarely smiles. Would you smile if you had to get up early to get the best swim every day the moment the fishery opens and stay there until chucked off, day in, day out? Highly successful but eventually wearied by catching the same fish over and over again. Migratory. Likes methods that require little effort as staring at a float for sixteen hours a day is likely to produce hallucinations. Does not possess a float or know how to attach it to the line, never mind use one…….
Feederchuck Dodo
This rare species is sometimes thought to be heading for extinction but a few can be spotted during the summer months. A keen specimen angler forty years ago he has finally got time to have another go now he’s retired. Using the same gear from the sixties of an early bright yellow glass rod and immaculate Mitchell 300, he chucks out a feederful of maggots once an hour, making his half pint of mixed last all day. At the end of the day he can’t understand why all he’s caught is two gudgeon yet the guy in the tackle shop had agreed that the feeder was still effective….
Stinca Tinca
Punching two feeders accurately out into the lake, this no-nonsense character catches fish alright. The evidence is plastered down his jumper, jeans, landing net, hair…..
Snottis Slimy
Similar to Stinca Tinca but his landing net is a hundred times more snotty, and he don’t smell too good either…
Thymmalus Delicatatis
Having found dry fly for brown trout far too aggressive, he courts the lady of the stream. At least they don’t have teeth. As pure as the streams he fishes you have at last met a true gentleman. This is too much for most rough and ready anglers, who have a somewhat different definition of nymph. His territory has been invaded by Circus Pythonus in a few instances, who insist on chucking feeders at a graceful lady….
Homo Rutilis
Talks about two pounders so much you wonder why he’s obsessed with Jordan. Most of this species are aging and becoming comparatively rare. If you ever see a man buying five economy loaves in the supermarket then you’ve probably spotted him….
Perchus Major
This one caught a perch as his first ever fish and never really progressed from there. Catches mainly jack pike. Harmless and friendly, just don’t ask him what they are like to eat……
Megastar Giganticus
Rare. Extremely capable. How he catches fish with a cameraman three yards in front of him is a wonder in itself. Appears to be talking to himself the whole time. Look out for roped off sections of riverbank as he stakes his claim. Approach only if asked otherwise an irate director will berate you…..
There are many other subspecies out there waiting to be insulted, I mean discovered. See how many you can spot next weekend. Till next time happy spotting – The Professor
Aplogies to Kevin Perkins, but don’t worry, the real Alternative Angler is back this Friday!
