The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

FILM STAR LOOKS?

Although fishing appears to be regarded as a ‘fringe’ sport by TV companies, are we doing ourselves any favours with the presenters on display? Where is our charismatic equivalent to Des Lynham, who can pull in viewers on looks alone? Am I the only one who wonders about Matt Hayes? You would think someone who earns all that money through his TV appearances would have had his front teeth straightened by now, and did he used to wear just one very heavy ear ring, because he always seems to be holding his head to one side, as though he is in need of a neck brace.

Then there are his occasional co-presenters. Strange loud clothes, foreign accent, Elton John glasses, wild hair, is it Jan Porter or Janet Street Porter, you never see them together, do you? Then we have Mr. Personality, Mick Brown. He appears to have the bedside manner and demeanour of Dr. Harold Shipman.

On the other hand there is good old John Wilson, bless him, who looks like everybody’s favourite uncle. However, when you see him fishing there is never anyone else at the venue. Is he just very lucky or does nobody else want to fish when he’s around? Does he have a personal hygiene problem, perhaps?

Another ‘ideal face for radio’ is Keith Arthur, surely it is obvious to anyone that he is, in reality, the model for a range of fishing garden gnomes, not a real angler at all.

It must be apparent that fishing on television needs a more dynamic approach to appeal to a broader spectrum. We should let the current crop of angling presenters take a back seat to allow them to get on with the actual fishing, and then have professional entertainers to ‘front’ the programmes.

Here are my three suggestions, which are guaranteed to draw in millions of additional male, female and other way inclined viewers to the wonderful world of fishing:

For the Gentlemen:

Kylie Minogue should front a series with antipodean angler, Rex Hunt. He could get on with the fishing whilst she did the commentary. Imagine Kylie (in hotpants of course) leaning over the gunwales of the boat, squealing “It’s coming, it’s coming, I can see it!” And Rex, with that grin on his face and his tackle bobbing up and down beside her. This can only help to supplement Rex’s alternative TV career, as his Cap’n Birdseye advert appearances have been few and far between lately.

For the Ladies:

If Gary Lineker can do golf, then Alan Hansen should do tackle reviews.

Immaculately attired in dinner jacket, he would pick up a new rod in its bag, slowly pull back the cover, and then gently tease out the butt section between two fingers, giving a commentary in his best Scottish drawl, direct to camera, about the thickness, length and feel….

Then, for those who might go either way, perhaps Julian Clary. His bankside ‘chats’ to camera would, of course, include more double entendres than you could shake a stick at. You can hear them now….. wagglers, stiff rig, pop-ups, tackle winder, butt bungs, pole rest, filling in, meat mix, rolling table, the list goes on and on.

And if none of the above are prepared to be considered, there is perhaps a final option. Given that I have been mistaken for various stars in the past, I wouldn’t mind having a go at presenting myself. I have been likened to Pete Murphy from ‘Alias Smith and Jones’, Andy Gray, the Sky football presenter, Brian Kidd, (Man United, Blackburn, Leeds, don’t know where he is today, and I suspect he isn’t too sure himself!).

Then there was one occasion in a pub when a young lady came up to me when I was with a group of friends, and said that I was the image of a famous film star, but she couldn’t quite remember the name. Some time later, she came running back and shouted “I’ve got it, I’ve got it, you remind me of……..Barbara Streisand!”

My friends’ comments will not be disclosed at this time. Lately, however, I have achieved a certain notoriety among my son’s school friends. They are of the opinion that I bear a more than passing resemblance to that suave, debonair matinee idol, Vinnie Jones! So I feel that I could present fishing programmes in his inimitable style.

Working titles for these television feasts might be as follows:

Instead of ‘Go Fishing with John Wilson’, we could have ‘Go Fishing – Or Else’
Perhaps ‘Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barbel’ or
‘Gudgeon in Sixty Seconds, and maybe even ‘Bream Machine’.

Does another career beckon, perhaps?