The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Sea fishing, where is the appeal? Does it come from our centuries old, Island Race seafaring tradition, battling the very worst that the weather can throw at us, as we laugh in the face of adversity?

Or is it because it’s free?

And can anyone explain why it is that so much of the tackle used is downright agricultural? If coarse anglers can competently deal with fish up to sixty pounds in weight, why do sea anglers have to have tackle that you can tow cars with? Is it because they are afraid of losing hard-to-catch fish, or are they erring on the side of safety just in case they latch on to a ‘monster’? When was the last time you saw any beach caught sea fish in the weeklies that went over thirty pounds? Wouldn’t lighter tackle and better presentation produce more fish? Indeed, given the murky waters round our coastline, wouldn’t the use of swim feeders help to entice more fish to your hook bait?

In my opinion, sea fishing has been allowed to go it’s own free way for far too long. In the absence of Rod Licences, the following measures should be put into place to bring sea anglers in line with the rest of us poor buggers who have to pay through the nose for everything!

Beachcasting
One thing that you have to be aware of when beach casting is the ever-present danger of lead poisoning. This is not caused slowly by ingestion of lead over long periods of time. Oh no! This type is instantaneous and is caused by insertion of a Breakaway lead into a hapless passer-by!

The culprit here is pendulum casting, probably the single most deadly act practiced amongst the sea fishing fraternity. In untrained hands, the wrongly timed release which sends a 6oz sinker whistling down the beach, instead of out to sea, is about as welcome as a Scud missile. Even worse is a cracked-off 6oz sinker which is quite capable of threatening life in a 500 yard radius of the angler. I suggest that beach casters should have take out Public Leadability Insurance, and the revenue used to provide nets similar to the ones that hammer throwers use. In addition, all beach casting rods need to be restricted to a 3 lb TC. Leads must be down-rated to no more than 3ozs, and braided lines must be used. In addition, multipliers will be banned and big pit reels must be used. That should stop them going fishing on the cheap and bring them more into step with the kind of prices that we coarse anglers have to pay for our lighter gear!

Pier and Jetty fishing
Will only be permitted if you are using those delightful orange hand-line sets as sold by seaside souvenir shops. The price of these will be subject to market forces, but will not be less than £ 25. These sets will be single use only, and will be confiscated when you leave the jetty/pier, to allow them to be recycled be the poor souvenir shop owners, a lot of whom have recently fallen on hard times.

Boat boys
Mackerel trips, although proper anglers do not always take these, are surely affecting our fishing quota by bringing back far more fish than they can possibly eat. I suggest a limit of two fish per person, any fish caught over that number to be sold by the skipper on their return to harbour. The revenue collected should then go towards subsidising the price of mackerel, to make them more accessible to the desperately needy. Such as pike anglers.

Cliff and Rock fishing
Here is a bunch of complete nutters who go scrambling over inaccessible places just to go fishing. They belong to that irresponsible group which includes pot-holers, mountain climbers, fell walkers, etc. They should all be micro-chipped with a very expensive GPS tracker, and be made to deposit £ 5000 before they set out to offset the cost of any rescue.

Wreck Fishing
You want to hire a boat and go wreck fishing – fine. But that should be it. One man, one boat. No more crossed lines, no more whingers wanting to turn back before they even get to the mark, no more green faced land lubbers who can’t keep anything down and spend all day feeding their breakfast to the fish. No – just you and your skipper.

Imagine it now, master of all you survey, standing at the prow as you steam out, then up anchor when you want, move to a new mark, and finally enjoying a mug of steaming cocoa on the way back. So what if it costs you £ 400. It would be worth it, and the need for boats and skippers would increase dramatically, helping another beleaguered profession

At the end of it all, why go sea fishing anyway, wouldn’t it be easier to avoid all the hassle and just to go to the fishmongers and buy some fish?

Read ‘THE ALTERNATIVE ANGLER’ every Friday!