| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
Why is it that some sports are considered sexy, whilst others are seen as a complete turn off? Games such as football and rugby have some mildly sexual overtones like balls, tackle, studs. Golf has such terms as hole-in-one, four balls and errrr…. But fishing is positively crammed with Freudian descriptions and sexual symbolism; the likes of which would surely be enough to make even Nora Batty moist. Has it ever been the case that fishing has made you instantly appealing to the opposite sex, have you ever got lucky just by telling someone you are a fisherman? Are we not rugged outdoor types, does our appeal not hark back in time to the hunter gatherers, when we went out in all weathers to find food for their families. Even in these politically correct days, deep down, don’t members of the fairer sex long to have a big strong man to provide for them? You never know, we may even become objects of desire! If we open our hearts and rod bags and seat boxes and show the world what they are missing, angling could become ‘cool’. If Alan Titchmarsh can become an object of sexual desire and turn people into gardening junkies, there has to be hope for us! Do you wonder why you haven’t been lusted over as you sit on the bank? If we can show the spicy side to fishing that may have gone unnoticed, perhaps we can turn the tide of public opinion into seeing us anglers through different eyes. While there are the obvious snigger-inducing items such as rod, tackle, pole, waggler, butt, butt plug, stiff rig, there are far more overtly sexual actions such as getting hold of your rod and gently easing the male and female ferrules together. How about pushing your fingers into a swim feeder loaded with wet ground bait until it oozes out of the holes. These are almost ‘X’ rated actions. Did I not read a tackle review just the other week of a new self lubricating strap-on palm pad, which, it is claimed, will reduce friction burns on your hand whilst you are shipping your pole in and out? Come on, that could be (and, in fact, probably is) straight out of an Ann Summers catalogue. Explain that particular purchase to your wife/partner whilst demonstrating the action involved, and see what response you get. It won’t be negative that’s for sure! To help us on our way, I am prepared to put my tackle where my mouth is (and who wouldn’t want to be able to do that?!) and say that I propose that we launch the sale of the full colour, 2003 FISHINGmagic All-Stars charity calendar. This will be in the style of the Women’s’ Institute, Royal Air Force and others, in which several of our more appealing members will get their kit off. The pictures will be tastefully posed and will feature various items of fishing tackle, very carefully arranged to help protect the members’ modesty. They will all be shot in soft focus and professionals will be on hand to help with the likes of hair, nails and make up. The only problem that I can see with this is if there are any carp anglers putting themselves forward for photography. As we are all well aware, there is absolutely no way on this earth you will ever get any picture of a carp angler with his top off. This is nothing to do with any form of modesty. This is because the are unable to be photographed for any reason unless they are wearing a shirt of some sort with a (well respected) tackle manufacturer’s logo emblazoned all over it. In fact, depending on who is offering the best freebies at the moment, they may well have several different tops with them at any one time. To get round this problem, we might be able to offer a logo tattooing service so that they are still able to show their allegiance to a particular brand, even with their kit off. On second thoughts, that had better be a temporary henna painting, rather than a permanent tattoo in case fishing fashion changes (again). I am more than ready to be pictured as Mr April with nothing more than just a 2oz bomb to cover my embarrassment. Members who would like to be considered for the calendar should send in a picture of themselves, posing with the particular items of equipment that they require to spare their (and our) blushes. Please remember to try and keep these items in proportion to your portions. As mentioned above, all proceeds will go to a deserving charity. All we need now is someone with good organisational skills and a strong constitution, as they will have to preview all the hopeful applicant’s photos. I am positive that the finished article should show people once and for all that fishing can be sexy. |
