Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.
TOO MANY ANGLING GUIDES?
This was the topic of a recent forum posting. Well, what an un-tapped resource this must be, and such a brilliant idea, combining all the latest thinking of retro and nostalgia, and therefore it must, of course, hark back to the fondly remembered good old days of ‘Bob-a-Job’. (Not going to do any comments about woggles, being prepared or dyb-dyb-dyb).
Now you can apparently get a Guide to help you with your fishing, but I don’t think there will be nearly enough to go round. Their preliminary training in the Brownies will have given them an excellent grounding in many areas which can be regarded as piscatorial. They even come with badges on their sleeves to tell you what they can do. Try to make sure you get one with at least the basic set, such as tying knots, cooking, home making, etc. And, of course, they already come complete with uniforms……
Get slapped around – for a fee
For a little more outlay, you should perhaps expect orienteering (always helps to know where you’re going, or where you’ve been!). Try to avoid any wearing the basic survival techniques badge. The proud owners of these will probably go out and trap a rabbit, and proceed to prepare it for dinner just using their bare hands and a pointy stick. It is to be expected that those with the self-defence badge will be willing to slap you around a bit, for an additional (negotiable) fee.
No longer will there be any need to lug the barbecue all the way to your bivvy, as everyone knows that Guides can soon rustle up a fire by rubbing a couple of woody things together. (Oo-err! felt a comment coming on but managed to suppress it). In fact, no need for the bivvy at all as a cosy, weatherproof bivouac will soon be knocked up for you, usually by lashing some saplings together, and this will be finished off with a screen made of woven twigs.
Needlework will always come in handy, as we men always need something sewing on, or sewing up. Someone who can thread hooks on will be a blessing for those of us that are occularly challenged. First aid will be a useful addition for all the obvious health and safety reasons.
As these Guides seemingly charge different prices for different services, your only limitations as to how much you get for your money is entirely limited by your budget. (Not sure they will take MasterCard or Visa, so best bring cash). Those of us who have their pockets emptied by their loved ones before they leave home, “You don’t need any money just to go fishing – do you?” Will obviously not be availing ourselves of this service!
One cautionary note though, please make sure that if you have managed to acquire the services of a Guide, she doesn’t answer your mobile if said loved one does ring to enquire how you are doing. There is absolutely, positively, no defence whatsoever for being out on the bank with someone of the opposite sex who is qualified to do everything…..
The real deal
Oh, apparently it seems I have got the wrong end of the stick, and it’s not that kind of Guide at all (shame!). It appears that some people are prepared to shell out hundreds of pounds just to be told where and how to fish.
I can well understand that some anglers will be in need of a guide to help them find the water if they can’t see it when they pull up in the car park.
I can see the need for a guide to show you back to your swim after you have set up, cast out and wandered off out of buzzer hearing range. If you have gone off further than the range of the new remote alarms, you will probably be requiring transport to get you back to your swim.
Beyond that, isn’t part of the necessary intrigue of fishing the very fact that you don’t know where every fish is? (Although one big clue you can have for free from me, is that they are normally to be found in the water!).
Have we now reached the stage where we have to have guaranteed success when fishing? Is time so precious to some of us that we can’t afford to waste it looking for fish? How much would you be prepared to shell out not to have a blank?
Is it the case that these guides are springing up to fulfil a need for anglers to skip the learning process that comes with not being successful. It is surely a poor angler that blanks and doesn’t at least learn something from it, isn’t it a necessary part of your angling education?
But thinking on, if these so-called guides don’t manage to find you a fish, do you qualify for a rebate?
