The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

With all the current ‘lifestyle improvement’ programmes on television these days, don’t you think that it is about time that fishing got a look in? Don’t you feel that there are some prime areas of our sport that are just crying out for a ‘makeover’

Trinny and Susannah could probably make a comfortable living for the rest of their lives if they targeted the ‘What not to wear’ programme on anglers. They could pick out a few ranges of clothing for anglers that are both practical and presentable. Those larger breasted amongst us would be offered a professional fitting service from Rigby & Peller, to ensure that everything was properly supported whilst participating in our strenuous sporting activities.

Padding would be added to one-piece suits, to achieve the broad shoulder/narrow hips outline, which is so flattering to the male form. Belts would have to be discarded to avoid bunching at the midriff, and stomach skimming shirts should be worn so as not to highlight an expanding waistline (think of those sylph-like darts players one sees on TV). Trouser legs would have to be of the bootleg cut, which apparently hides all manner of bodily imperfections below the waist. And all wellingtons and moonboots should really have a modest heel, to give you some extra height, and stop those trouser hems dragging in the mud.

Amusing hats, to say the least

One area they would surely turn their attention to is hats. The articles that some anglers put on their heads are, shall we say, amusing, to say the least. Mostly they seem to be based around a bobble hat (without the bobble, of course) and appear to be such a permanent fixture; it is a wonder the wearer’s hair hasn’t grown through the material. These hats have to be worn whilst in the pub, around home, and sometimes even at work.

Amusing hats

Changing bivvies

Then we could have ‘Changing Bivvies’, swap with your best friend and spend £ 500 on restyling each other’s home from home. The exteriors may have to be muted, but there is nothing to stop Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen going all artistic on the inside.

Handy Andy could put some windows in to make the most of the view and a range of nice MDF shelving, to help with those storage problems. Fitting downlights isn’t too big a problem if they go for the false ceiling option, which creates a feeling of space, apparently. No walls to knock out in a bivvy, but no reason not to put some in, perhaps to create a kitchenette, for example. You don’t want to be sleeping where you’ve been cooking, do you?

Curtain swags, pelmets and tails on the windows, of course, for when you need some privacy. Perhaps a couple of alcoves to display your fishing trophies. That should impress your fishing neighbours.

Carol Smillie’s smile and Charlie Dimmock’s tits – can’t have a makeover without mentioning those can we!

Floorboards will have to be fitted, then sanded and stained, with perhaps the occasional hand woven rug, for that homely effect. The interior can be ‘themed’ to whatever takes your fancy. The likes of Bedouin tent, saloon bar, night-club (with glitter ball, of course), are all easily achieved, the list is only bounded by your imagination, and the fact that terracotta and/or purple paint will have to feature somewhere in the colour scheme. Along with the candles – there always have to be tastefully arranged groups of candles. And then you will have to be dragged round by that bloody Carole Smillie and made to go “Oooh” and Aaawww” maybe shed a little tear (well, it makes me want to bawl my eyes out, sometimes!) when it really looks like utter crap to you and everyone else in the world.

‘Swim Force’ may well be coming to your area soon. Maybe that east bank could be turned into a rockery, dotted with alpines and rustic stepping stones sweeping down to the water’s edge. An ivy covered pergola to disguise your bivvy, providing nature’s own camouflage – what could be better?

By default every swim must already have its very own water feature, so we are half way there already. The question is: where to put the obligatory decking and gravel. As you are aware, their inclusion is compulsory in any type of garden makeover. As are railway sleepers, and clematis, and a few (container grown) specimen trees, and of course, green or blue painted trellis; always useful as a screen.

So, nothing at all formulaic there then!

But wait, what if Trinny and Susannah turned up while the other makeover folks were there?

I doubt if Laurence’s frills would escape their withering comments, Charlie Dimmock would have to be rushed off to R & P’s for some upper suspension work pretty damn quick, (and a decent hair do, for once, pleeeease!). Alan Titchmarsh’s jumpers would have to go straight on the autumn leaves bonfire, and no more would we see Tommy Walshe’s ‘builders bum’, a full length, all covering bib and brace for him, I fear.

However, having got them dressed up like proper people, there is absolutely no chance of getting them to do any work for us in their posh new clothes, is there?