| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. But he does have a serious side occasionally……. |
THE SEWIN
The Occasional Magazine for Sea and Game Anglers
Those who regularly trawl through the various FM Forums will have noticed that there are two groups who do not seem to post many threads. Perhaps they are shy; maybe they might feel that the weekly and monthly angling press do not seem to cater for their particular disciplines.
In an effort to embrace them fully into the ‘Brotherhood of the Angle’, the following news sheet is just for them alone. Two regular columnists will provide up to date news items and additional snippets will be added from other well-respected contributors.
To begin with, our regular Game Fishing expert is Mr. Courtney Ffyshe-Laitlee, who in fact, controls his very own salmon beat, so is able to give us his highly regarded, and thoroughly traditional opinion, on the wide-ranging issues that affect this noble branch of our sport. His first report is as follows:
It gives me no pleasure to note that yet another angler is up before Grantown Sheriff’s Court next week, charged with the heinous crime of salmon fishing on the Spey with a ‘shop bought’ fly. When will they ever learn? Tests are still being carried out on the remainder of his tackle, but rumours abound that his gut casts were thought to be synthetic. He has also asked for a lesser charge of ‘not fishing with moleskin breeks’ to be taken into consideration. Such utter contempt for proper standards cannot, and will not, be allowed to go unpunished. The Procurator Fiscals’ office has been contacted for guidance as to the length of his prison term, which must serve as a deterrent to others.
Others news concerns that rabble of oiks known as Riff-Raff, who go trout fishing. I refer, of course to the ‘Release Is Future Fishing-Return All Fish Finally’ brigade whose presence is beginning to plague various stillwater trout venues. (Mercifully, the dry fly and nymph chaps on rivers such as the Test, have not yet succumbed). Catch and release of game fish cannot be tolerated. We must not allow fish to become ‘educated’ in our ways. No, it has to be caught once, tapped on the head, and goodnight. We game anglers can’t possibly be expected to pay out good money, only to find the fish are too clever for us to catch – where’s the sport in that?
Pike in trout waters, whose idea was that? Bloody things are big and ugly, mouthfuls of teeth and taste awful. Just what you don’t want, gobbling up your precious stockies. What you do want is a trout lake with no pike at all. Then you can open it up for a few weeks to those gullible pike anglers who will bite your arm off for the opportunity to fish a ‘virgin’ water. And even if they don’t catch a thing, they will rave on about its ‘potential’, money for old rope!
Sea Fishing
For sea fishing fans, we are lucky to have captured the services of Tug Metodger, gay old sea dog and skipper of the West Country charter boat ‘Seawhores’ featuring an all male crew, and offering the opportunity for some hands-on experience afloat. Currently she is out of the water while Tug is having barnacles scraped off his bottom (at least that’s what we’re told!) so he has filed this report from the Seamans’ Mission:
I don’t know about you lot, but I always like to get under way for a while before I cast off, just the opposite if what we do when we go out a-boating! Anyway, took some Spanish lads out the other day, bit of a problem with the lingo. Gave them a tour of the boat while we were steaming out to the mark. Apparently one of them had asked me bitch (sorry, cabin boy) “Where I go for a sheet, meester?” and the young scamp promptly took him below (we tend to get a lot of that done on our trips) then showed him the door to the sheet locker. After him and his mates had nipped a few off in there, me bitch (sorry, cabin boy) had a right old mess to clear up, serves her (him) right!
On some of the trips we do get a bit of fishing done, but the types we take seem more interested in all them ropes and shackles and the like. Appears they like being tied up, stops the old sea-sickness, and it seems they don’t mind a hard day up against the mast. Sharing hammocks is another good cure, apparently, but whatever happens, at the end of the day, we always get our rods out, so everyone is happy. Safety is our number one priority, and we will warn clients to watch out in case there might be seaman on the deck, which can be dangerous. And while we never go out for crabs, but someone always seems to end up catching them.
After a long day at sea, everything you put in your mouth tastes salty, so we always heave to in our favourite quayside hostelry, the ‘Shovynitte Inn’ for a few pink gins, maybe a daiquiri or two, before we turn in, ready to up early next morning, and do it all over again.
Next issue will feature more of the same, and an exclusive interview with Ben Kall, chairman, spokesman, president, and tireless self-publicist of the National Anglers and Fishermen’s Federation (NAFF) who will tell us of all the hard work he has to do in order to get re-elected. So much effort does this campaigning take, that he never gets any time to go fishing, talk about fishing, or even meet any other fishermen. Shame!
