The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Please take a while to consider the following list of prices gleaned from various sources this week:Fiat Uno, 1989, Taxed & Tested – £ 550 onoDFS three seater leather sofa – £ 599Fox Alarm System – £ 6001 week in Tobago, all inclusive – £ 575Laptop computer – £ 649

“Outrageous!” I hear you cry. “That Fiat is worth £ 750 at least!” Or was it perhaps the third item that caught your attention. A fishing alarm system for the bargain price of only 600 of your English pounds.

I am puzzled because in terms of complexity, the engine management system on the Fiat is probably processing hundreds of inputs per second from different sensors and adjusting the fuel injectors and ignition timings to give optimum performance. The laptop surely has a processor of at least Pentium capacity. The alarm, on the other hand, is having to cope with such myriad difficult and challenging commands such as ‘On or Off’ and errrrrm……

As a slightly less costly option to that, I am launching my own ‘Byte-D-Tect’ system, price £ 10.00 including VAT and postage. For your money you will get a large unsliced white loaf to enable you to make more than enough dough bobbins for a three-day session (or if you are some namby-pamby tree hugger, an organic, wholemeal version will be made available, at twice the price, of course). In addition, your kit will include the all-important five cans of Red Bull to enable you to stay awake and watch your indicators – isn’t that the point?

With regard to the rest of the list, the sofa costs marginally more than some top of the range bedchairs, probably weighs about the same as a few of the models, but it is covered with half a herd of cows. This may well be the ultimate camouflage pattern if you can get it in ‘Natural Friesian’. And as for the holiday, well I suppose if you have to go away somewhere, it might as well be the Caribbean.

Perhaps these high tech alarms should work the other way round, and wake you up if you drop off. Indeed, retina-scanning technology will soon be employed in cars to warn drivers if they are falling asleep at the wheel. (As a less painful alternative to forays into the roadside vegetation, or a close encounter with the Armco barriers)

In fact, my petrol lawnmower has a rather grandly named device called Operator Proximity Control, which is a lever you have to hold onto with a vice like grip that makes your knuckles glow white, or the bloody thing stops (older readers will recall trains having a similar device known as the “Dead Mans Handle”). Perhaps our high tech alarms should act in this manner and sound off the moment its infra red detector senses that you have wandered out of a pre-determined range, and then activates a small motor which winds your baits in if you fail to return within a specified time.

Maybe I am getting the wrong end of the stick again? Is it now imperative that you have to spend hundreds, even thousands of ponds just to go fishing, because ’twas never the case in my day. Or do I smell a whiff of ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ about some of these accoutrements we positively have to possess just so we can sit on the bank.

Interestingly, I was going to propose to produce a series of articles called ‘Pound for Pound’ for FM. This is designed to show just how little you really need to catch fish of a decent calibre, on a limited budget. (And featuring an angler of precious little talent – me!). To start with, the title explains how much will be spent on bait per fish. Twenty pound carp – £ 20.00, eight pound tench – £ 8.00, nine pound barbel – £ 9.00 and so on. Only one type of rod (probably Avon Style) is to be used for all species (step forward Mr. Harrison and kindly offer up a couple of FISHINGmagic Concepts, plenty of free publicity to be had!).

Only day ticket waters can be fished, no overnights, and venues and tactics will be put forward by FM members, so if the venture is unsuccessful it will be your fault, not mine.

Preliminary List as follows:
Chub – 6lbs
Tench – 8lbs
Carp – 20lbs
Catfish – 20lbs
Pike – 20lbs
Bream – 9lbs
Roach – 2lbs
Perch – 3lbs
Barbel – 9lbs

That’s not a bad list of PB’s and all for under £ 100! I know there are waters within a 50-mile radius of me that contain fish beyond those weights. All the above to be fished for in one season, starting June 16th, and I will need a partner, of course, if only to take the pictures! Any takers?

Stop Press!!

Launched today, a conversion kit for the Fiat Uno from the leading alarm company, Delgrin. The Untonic is the alarm you can drive to the venue, and once in position by your swim, the full range of accessories can be deployed. These include:

The ‘Lazarus’ alarm which plugs into the cigarette lighter socket, modified from a set of ignition points, and can be connected to car horn or lights, or indicators, or all three. Will attract your attention even if you have inadvertently wandered half a mile away.

Headlights to enable you to illuminate your swim.

Teflon hotplate which attaches to the exhaust manifold, for tasty hot bank side snacks.

Entertainment system (car radio and cassette player).

Not one, but two reclining seats, both of which have headrests, an innovation bed chair makers have yet to capitalise on.

Rear hatch, which will easily accommodate storm sides and turn into an instant bivvy.

Rechargeable battery – simply run the engine for ten minutes

And, best of all the Uno is fully biodegradable and will rot away before your very eyes in a matter of weeks (certainly before the next MOT is due!).