The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

The Merry Month of May marks the first anniversary of this column. Now some might say “Is it only twelve months?” Others may say it feels a bloody lot longer (me included!). Until around eighteen months ago, I had written nothing more complicated than my CV, and the only thing I had ever had published was an irate letter sent to my local paper, berating the parish council.

I had, in the past, sat down and doodled some ‘fishing’ stories on the PC, but I can’t explain why, other than I felt I should write them down. Having written the stories, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with them.

One in particular probably had around thirty re-writes, as I didn’t really know what I was saying, or least of all, how to say it (no change there, I hear you cry!). That particular story was over three years old when I eventually summoned up the courage to send it in to FM.

The shock of seeing it published is hard to describe. Copies were rapidly printed off and thrust into the hands of family and friends, with a real sense of achievement. The first comment back from everyone who read the article was “I didn’t know you could write!” (Still don’t, I know!).

Flushed with success, I sent in more articles, and they too, were published. This writing lark was turning into a piece of p*ss, no problem at all! Then Graham suggested I might like to write a weekly column, we’ll call it ‘Alternative Angler’ he said, and you can do something funny every week.

Yes, of course, said I. Piece of cake. Ha, bloody ha, ha!!

The articles I write are usually 800 – 1000 words long. The deadline for the column is Thursday for publication Friday. On Friday I will usually print off this week’s finished article, and smile to myself when I spot those subtle nuances of Graham’s hand. In case you are wondering, all the very apt photos and captions are added by Graham (I haven’t got an original of the girl in the boat, Clive – sorry!). Graham also does a skilful amount of sub editing on the text to avoid the pair of us wasting time in court defending libel actions!

I don’t usually do any writing over the weekends, so I now have three evenings to conjure up a story out of thin air to fill around one and a half pages of text. Sometimes I have up to three ‘stories’ on the go at a time, other times I am tearing my hair out staring at a blank screen. I will get the angling weeklies, and scan through them for something to trigger me off, if I’m desperate, but by now we’re up to Wednesday. I have one article which has been sitting on my PC for nearly a year, starts badly, tails off in the middle and comes to an abrupt end, 300 words long and going nowhere!

I have a ‘fall back’ position with TickleTackle, which is a separate file where I just dump ideas when they come to me. Every three months or so I empty it out; there is usually enough garbage in there to pad out an article. In addition, I have tried to introduce a number of ‘characters’ such as Courtney Fyshe-Laitlee, (Game fishing correspondent) Tug Metodger, (Gay old seadog and charter boat skipper) and Kerry Growls (North East’s premier specimen hunter)

Graham, hard at it…

Now, this is not a cry of “Poor me!” I write the column because I want to, simple as that. I don’t have to, and life would be a whole lot easer if I didn’t do it at all, but I want to do it. What I am trying to convey here is that all the other contributors to FM are doing as much, and in fact, probably a lot more than me when it comes to producing articles for your entertainment and information.

With the likes of (in no particular order) Prof. Barrie Rickards, Dave Cooper, Davy North, Big Rik, Chris Bishop, Stu Dennis, The Monk, Eddie Caldwell, Gary Knowles, Dave Rothery, Mark Wintle and the up and coming Lee Buchan writing for FM, we are lucky to have a group of contributors who cover just about the whole spectrum of our sport. Whilst you might feel it is ‘your’ FM, it would be a whole lot different without ‘their’ unstinting input.

But, (and didn’t you just know there was one coming!) from a personal viewpoint, I see my weekly column published on the site and…….nothing!! I don’t know if anyone found it hilariously funny (not likely, I know!), mildly amusing, stupid, couldn’t see the point, in fact, like other contributors, I don’t ever know if anyone even reads the articles.

I know Graham will say that forum postings are no indicator of activity on a particular article, some of them do attract limited comment, others don’t. (And a timely ‘thank you’ to those who do respond). But perhaps it would be nice to see an indicator showing the number of ‘hits’ a particular piece has received, to give the contributors an idea that their work is at least being ‘opened’. There may be a huge number of ‘lurkers’ who would never dream of commenting, but fervently read everything that is posted, or it may be the case that only three people ever bother to read my column – who knows!

So, with that lot off my chest, back to the madness next week – hopefully!

PS
Hmmm…… Over 1000 words, took less than an hour to write. Perhaps we should change the column to ‘Alternative Whinger’, seems so much easier to moan about things than try to write something ‘amusing’!

Note from Graham
I can assure Kevin and all FM’s contributors that their work is being well read – it wouldn’t be there on a regular basis if it wasn’t, for if there is one thing that will drive visitors away it’s boring content. My job depends on the popularity of this website so it is in my own interests to make sure that what you read is interesting to the majority.

Of course there will always be specialised stuff that attracts only a limited readership. Match reports, for instance, have only a very limited appeal, but we will always have a space for them for we want FM to be as wide ranging as possible.

It’s true that forum reaction to an article is not necessarily an indicator of an article’s popularity. Usually a single sentence sparks a forum thread, and usually one you would least expect. I’ve been writing about fishing for getting on for 40 years and I can tell you that there is no mileage in setting out to provoke a reaction in letter’s pages and forums. Readers are not stupid and they soon see though someone who is regularly and deliberately trying to be controversial for the sake of being controversial.

One thing we Brits are good at is moaning and whinging, so Kevin can take reassurance from the fact that if his column was being poorly received there would be plenty of forum activity to say so, one way or another. We’re not so good at praise, so when we read something we enjoy we are unlikely to make a point of saying so.

But Kevin is right about the work that goes into writing a regular column. It’s only easy when your head is full of something you want to say, but when that idea’s tank is empty it can become a real burden. Surprisingly though, being ‘up against it’ often produces your best work. I know I write my best stuff when my deadline is looming and I have to switch the world off and get my head round just what I’m writing about.

Every writer has his own way of doing things. Kevin obviously makes notes and does a bit to several projects as the fancy takes him and new ideas pop into his head. Other writers make copious notes and plan an article out with it’s different topics and sub headings before they even start to actually write it. Me, I’ve never been able to do that. I’ve tried it and failed. So I just get the idea in my head and sit down and write it from start to finish. Then I read through it, make any corrections, additions and deletions, and that’s it.

But one thing is for sure, I appreciate each and every one of FM’s contributors, for there wouldn’t be an FM without them. And being as we are one of the UK’s most popular fishing websites, probably THE most popular, our writers must be bloody good!