The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Everyone’s favourite Lithuanian entrepreneur, Silliarses Itakurmoneyandrun has decided to move into fishing. In particular he has targeted commercial carp pools, and will launch eaziFish.con in a blaze of publicity on 16th June this year. Book online for big discounts on day tickets, but as always there will be different levels of service offered at these exciting new ventures.

On arrival, your ticket will be checked by member of staff dressed in the company’s lime green corporate dungarees with matching baseball caps. Please note they have all been on an extensive in-house anger management programme, where they are trained to wind up anyone who dares to question their authority. There is no point in demanding to speak to their manager, because if you are that stupid you only have yourself to blame when they proceed to demonstrate just how they achieved a diploma in belittling you in front of everyone else. In addition, they will ensure that you not only lose your place in the queue, but also that you are firmly escorted to the very back of it.

For those you who are familiar with the way these systems work, the following will probably seem familiar.

SDSS (Super-Duper-Smug-Savers)

SDSS ticket holders, who book about five years in advance and pay for that all-important upgrade, have their own roped-off reception area, and after being checked in, will be taken to their ‘Chub Class’ swim in a lime green golf trolley with their tackle loaded onto a trailer behind. Complimentary drinks and nibbles will be offered throughout your stay and appropriate, almost edible meals, will be served. Your own private thirty yard swim will be fenced off from the rest of the lake and will feature a fish stocking density of around 500lb per acre.

Should you be on a long haul overnight stay, your ‘Chub Class’ chair with extra width and legroom and therefore no chance of DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) will fully recline and attendants will draw screens round to enable you to have an uninterrupted night’s sleep. Alarms will be turned down to lowest settings, and the night porter service will deal with any playing and landing of fish that might happen while you were resting. But while we are on the subject of DVT, why isn’t DVT striking down anglers in their hundreds? Some of us spend days in the same chair at a time, I’ve never seen warnings or even the slightest mention of the possibility of it occurring. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

After breakfast, you can freshen up in the vanity unit provided, to ensure you look your best for the photo shoot. Your face will then be digitally added to a picture of the attendant holding any fish you may have caught while you were enjoying a well-earned snooze.

SAG (Super-Apex-Gamble)

SAG is for those who want to ensure a place at the water, but don’t mind missing out on a few luxuries. There is no dedicated check in, so some queuing will be inevitable. Someone whose first language isn’t necessarily English will relay patchy information regarding start times, etc, over a Tannoy system that has speakers that are always facing away from you. Upgrades are not unknown, but do carry a hefty premium.

Swims are not allocated, but are available on a first-come first served basis. Running spikes are heavily recommended over waders, if you have set your heart on a prime position.

Meals and light snacks can be purchased from a visiting refreshment trolley (no change given).

Stocking density in this area is kept at around 100lb per acre, to ensure there is a least some chance of getting a fish.

LITL (Left It Too Late)

LITL anglers will be marshalled into a holding area until a space becomes available. Being packed in like sardines will bring a fish-themed start to your trip. You will need to be of hardy stock as delays can be measured on calendars rather than clocks. Be sure to bring plenty of food and drink, because there will be absolutely no catering provided. You will of course, know that choosing the most economical ticket may not always mean your arrival point will be that close to the water. Shuttle bus and/or taxi may be required.

If and/or when you get to your swim, you will be in an area that is rumoured to hold a fish and you will be need to be easy going and gregarious in nature, as there will be four of you fishing in that one spot.

At the end of your session a baggage trolley (lime green of course!) will collect your tackle and take it away. Between your swim and the exit gate your tackle will be:

1. Ready for you to collect (Has been rumoured to have happened, once….).

2. Opened and some or all of the contents spilled out (See disclaimer on back of ticket – bring powerful magnifying glass).

3. Broken (See disclaimer on back of ticket – bring powerful magnifying glass)

4. Not all there. Missing item will arrive on your doorstep three months later with stickers showing it has travelled the length and breadth of Great Britain first.

5. Forwarded to your next destination (You hadn’t decided you were going to fish that particular venue, but as all your tackle is there you might as well go).

6 Never seen again (See disclaimer blah, blah…..).

Roll on the 16th!