The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

In this modern world you will be familiar with the term that starts ‘Straight to…’ This is usually applied to films which the makers realise early on are a complete turkey, and are not put out for general release, but go ‘Straight to Video’. This is also often applied to some new cars that fail to impress the motoring pundits where the term they use for these clunkers is ‘Straight to Minicab’. In our fishy world, is it now not the case that we see in operation our own version, namely ‘Straight to Carp’ (or Straight to Tench, Straight to Pike, etc, etc)? This is where today’s youngsters seemingly miss out the basic training that we had to undergo to qualify for the chance to catch such fish?

With so much disposable income apparently available to youngsters today, has it sadly just become a case of ‘Instant Fishing – Just add water?’

Where are the kids today who will dangle a bait into a muddy puddle, stagnant pond or rivulet on the off-chance there just might be a fish in it? They have no need to take those obligatory steps up the piscatorial ladder, gaining a little knowledge each time, to better equip them for the next challenge. Back when I was young, we would start with the sticklebacks and minnows, easily move up to gudgeon and bleak, possibly fluke a perch or dace on the way. After that we obtained new tackle and tactics for roach, with a half-pounder seeming to take years to achieve, then at last, it was time for you to tear up the metaphorical ‘L’ plates.

You were now finally qualified enough to go in search of tench and bream, maybe even barbel, before finally graduating up to become a serious carp and/or pike angler. Nobody in my day would ever dream of going ‘Straight to Carp/Pike’, it just wasn’t done. We all did the right thing and served our long and hard apprenticeships first. If, by some miracle, one of us did, by pure chance, catch a large fish, we were almost made to feel guilty; it was as though we had cheated the system. (Didn’t stop the rest of us pushing the jammy b*st*rd out the way and plonking seven or eight floats/legers into the square foot of water the monster had just come out of!).

Nowadays it seems a ten-year-old can buy all the kit in the morning and have a thirty pounder on the bank in the afternoon. Dick Walker would be spinning in his grave (fishy pun very much intended!). What if he/she follows that thirty pounder with thirty blanks? Or the crushing disappointment of ‘only’ catching a five-pound fish next time? With no wider knowledge or experience to fall back on, will these youngsters give up on angling at the first hurdle and go ‘Straight to’ the Playstation, X Box or Gamecube again?

Is it not a wonder that everything in tackle shops isn’t colour coded by species so that you can go ‘Straight to’ the particular tackle you need to catch ‘your’ fish. Purple for carp, green for tench, yellow for bream, blue for pike etc, etc. Tackle and accessories would all match, and you would never be found fishing with the ‘wrong’ equipment. This will also save you having to waste time browsing around the shop looking for what you want because you can’t ask the shop assistant for the foreseeable future. This is because he is slowly losing the will to live dealing with someone who has just come back into fishing after twenty-five years, and doesn’t now have the faintest idea what he wants.

The problem being that everything he’s asked for so far has been met with a blank look, after starting with his seemingly innocent opening request for ‘gentles’.

I must be getting old because every time I go into a tackle shop these days I seem to see weird and wonderful things on display and I will grudgingly admit that I have not got the faintest idea as to what they are. I daren’t pick the packet up to see if I can deduce something from the instructions for fear of the dreaded “Can I help you?” over my shoulder.

There is absolutely no way I am going to admit to the (apparently) twelve-year-old assistant that I would like some information as to what this particular ‘thingy’ is or does, as that would be tantamount to an admission of ignorance. Now we all know that all of us hugely experienced anglers would never admit to anything like that, would we? (Please tell me it’s not just me again, is it?).

No, I’m afraid as far as I’m concerned, the only ‘Straight to’…worth bothering with is… ‘Straight to the Pub!’