The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

I had a great time shopping, recently. I was quite happily trailing in and out of department stores in Barcelona. What, you say, are you mad? Well, I was of course, merely adopting my foreign policy. That is to say I agree to go shopping so that I can keep a beady eye open for spoons, spinners, etc, particularly Rapala’s, which are usually half the price of similar items in the UK (but we Brits can afford it, can’t we?)

I have to admit that on this occasion, I drew a blank, with nothing to be found (considering the ratio of shoe shops we had to visit versus shops that might vaguely hold ‘sporting goods’ is around fifteen to one). Which, I have to say, I found surprising as being in Barcelona, we were, of course, next to the sea.

Slightly perplexed, I took a stroll down to the massive harbour complex which revealed only one solitary, weather-beaten and gnarled old Catalan apparently fishing for his supper off the back of a boat. Again, this almost complete lack of piscatorial action seemed strange to me when the waters of the harbour were alive with shoals of what appeared to be mullet, some upwards up three pounds, and the rest were all decent ‘pan sized’ fish, just there for the taking.

Do the Spanish not like fishing, I wondered? No, that can’t be the case as their trawlers are currently emptying the waters around Britain in order to keep them in paella, probably because of some EU directive. In fact, given the way legislation is framed these days, when those waters have been emptied of fish, Britain will probably be fined for not maintaining the stocks at sufficient levels. Long before that, we Brits will have been banned from fishing off our own beaches and piers, and the entire charter boat fleet will have gone the same way as our trawlers and fishing industry.

So what, you cry. Well, that may be the thin edge of the wedge. As our foreign cousins are apparently not too fussy about the type of fish they eat (come on, have you got any idea what was in the last paella you ate abroad? Could have been crab sticks for all you know, if fact it could have been anything which smells remotely fishy, doesn’t bear thinking about now, does it!). They may well turn their attentions to our productive inland waters.

After gaining access up the Thames, Severn, Avon, Humber, Trent, Mersey etc, etc we will be seeing beam trawlers transported overland to begin sweeping those rich inland fisheries such as Grafham and Rutland Water. Although, the boats on those lakes are already equipped with outboards and could probably be commandeered to help with the netting. Fleets of boats registered to EU member states will be hoovering up fish on the likes of Loch Lomond.

Fights will probably break out over ‘easy’ waters such as the Grand Union Canal, being of fairly uniform width and depth and so easy to trawl from one end to the other without making any adjustments to their nets.

Rowing boats equipped with seine nets will be sculling up and down our commercial fisheries, loaded up to the gunwales with plump carp, ready to be whisked off in refrigerated lorries to the waiting hordes of Basque gastronauts.

Just me rambling off on a tangent again, well maybe. But our older readers will remember a little spat we had with Iceland that became known as the ‘Cod War’. Here, where despite us being classed as a ‘Superpower’ and having a centuries old maritime tradition of seafaring victories, with echoes of Drake and Nelson to spur us on, we lost. This was regardless of having available the entire might of our illustrious Royal Navy, with any number of frigates, destroyers, aircraft carriers, and in addition our submarines with enough nuclear capability to turn the island of Iceland into toast. We were repelled after a ferocious battle with their one gunboat which was armed with not much more than an air rifle strapped to a railing on the poop deck.

When it comes to eating, have we finally abandoned fish altogether? It appears that our most popular dish is now CTM (Chicken Tikka Massala) and whilst we should embrace new cultures, shouldn’t tradition have a place? Why not have CTM as meaning Cod Tikka Massala, so keeping a link with the past, and maintaining fish as a presence in our national dish.

Why is it that when it comes to fish, we are so willing to go belly up at the first sign of a fight? If our salt water fish and fishing are given up so easily, do you think there is any chance that we anglers will be able to rally round and put up any sort of credible defence to any threats aimed at coarse and game fishing? Or once again, is it just me that has these nagging doubts?