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The Alternative Angler

June 7, 2002

KEVIN PERKINS

Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

ANGLING NEEDS THE FEMININE TOUCH

In these days when angling needs all the support it can muster we appear to be overlooked by a group that could be our greatest allies – women!

In all other countryside pursuits you will find couples enjoying their chosen sport together – but not fishing. Two of the most influential countryside groups, Ramblers and Twitchers (who contribute nothing to the upkeep and maintenance of their chosen sport, but appear to wield impressive influence in their favour) probably have a near 50/50 male/female membership. Even the hunting/shooting brigade can muster significant female support – but not fishing. I think we have an image problem that sets us apart from other outdoor pursuits, to our detriment.

So what is it that puts off the fairer sex?

Is it the actual act of fishing they find unappealing? Surely, sitting about all day would give them time to read all the latest gossip in ‘Hello’ or immerse themselves in a ‘Mills & Boon’. They could crochet landing nets and keep nets, or offer a useful net repair service to other anglers.

Is it the baiting up that’s a problem? I realise that the creepy crawlies may be off-putting, but boilies can’t be considered offensive. Indeed, with all their sharply honed culinary skills, making up batches should be a piece of cake. And doing sandwiches and flasks for themselves would be a pleasant change, as well as discovering that there is a fairy that washes out the flask and sandwich box after they have been fishing. (It is probably the same fairy that will have cooked their dinner for them when they get home!).

Handling tackle – most ladies are used to this, and items such as hooks, line, etc, will be no challenge to people accustomed to needles and cotton.

Is it the clothing that doesn’t appeal? Perhaps Sandra Halkon-Hunt could launch a range of figure-flattering outerwear in rustic pastel shades (with matching eyeshadow and nail polish). Tee-shirts by Versace; Jimmy Choo could produce thigh wellies in a patent leather finish, with pointed toes and sensible heels. Hats, scarves and matching gloves by Jasper Conran can only add to the appeal of fishing.

Buying new equipment? It’s shopping, say no more!

Lack of toilet facilities….. Could be an issue but I am sure that some enterprising tackle manufacturer will produce a dual purpose bait bowl that will suffice.

Handling fish? Having seen the way ladies stuff chickens, etc, they don’t appear too squeamish when it comes to contact with animals.

Nights out in a bivvy? Shouldn’t be a problem here – male anglers have been sleeping together for years without any trouble at all. The ‘Bijou Bivvy Co’ will be able to supply tasteful co-ordinating interiors (free sample swatches on request) and a Feng Shui consultant will be on hand to advise on the best possible layout of bedchairs, tables, hanging baskets, etc.

Lack of 12v hairdryers and styling combs will be overcome with a new Camping Gaz powered range later this year. Shatterproof mirrors with bankstick/seatbox attachments are available from: www.youaresuchatart.co.uk