The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

It’s never too early to think about Xmas presents, is it? Well, no, and for those of you contemplating just what to get as presents for your fishing loved ones, please make sure you consult the guide below, as buying presents for anglers can be a minefield if you are not fully prepared.

Items to avoid like the plague
Tankards or whisky glasses inscribed with the legend ‘ Worlds Greatest Fisherman’.

Hip flasks (silver plated) inscribed with some form of fish or fishing scenes.

Ties adorned with fly patterns.

‘Big Mouth Billy Bass’ The all singing, all dancing, wall mounted fish. Wasn’t funny then, less funny now, but started appearing at markets near you at silly prices. Don’t bother.

Any form of fishing tackle whatsoever (see below – proceed with caution).

Complete ‘Fish ‘N’ Sets’, particularly the types advertised in Saturday papers. You know the sort of thing, telescopic rod, selection of sea floats and mackerel spinners and a pair of size 4/0 hooks, all blister packed onto an attractive card featuring a large fish leaping out of the water, attached to someone wielding the very same kit. This will normally appear next to the ‘Bankrupt Stock of Crimplene Trousers’ adverts. Of course the company went bankrupt, they were trying to sell Crimplene trousers……

Clothing, starting with anything home made ie, knitted. Ladies, do not be fooled by the warm reception this present gets when it is unwrapped, your loved one is just being kind. For his next fishing trip, he may well walk out of the door wearing those gloves/scarves/jumpers/woolly hats as he waves goodbye. But you can be assured they will be off before he arrives at the venue. Usually, they will stay in the boot of the car for the required period of time, and may eventually find service when the dipstick needs wiping, or a tyre needs changing.

If your good lady is the sort that checks that you are wearing the clothes she lovingly made for you when you leave and return, then these articles will get twice the wear. You have to put these on before you go out, take them off before you get to the water (in case anyone sees you) then put them back on just before you get home. All this action means they will need replacing much sooner than normal, probably around the same time every year!

Anything even slightly piscatorial from Franklin Mint, and even worse, any type of book about fishing. Particularly those ‘Complete and Utter Guide to all Types of Fishing around Britain’ volumes, usually sponsored by Shell, or Ovaltine or some such.

Items to buy, but proceed with caution
Second-guessing, ladies, please be alert to the fact that this can lead to purchasing disasters. You may think that your loved one has thoughtfully left that fishing magazine open on a particular page to indicate to you that there is something on there he would like to receive as a present. This gives him a chance to indicate what he wants without telling you outright, and gives you the opportunity to surprise him on Xmas day.

This is very dangerous presumption because it assumes that men (particularly anglers) are able to play those kind of subtle mind games, or even have that amount of intelligence. He has probably just left the page open there because he has rushed off for a crap. If he’s reading the Sun and leaves it open on Page 3 he’s probably not expecting to find that particular young lady in his Xmas stocking. There again, if he’s got to Page 3 and had to go to the toilet he will probably take the paper with him…..

The only way you can be sure that you have been given a clue is if a picture of the item has been torn out of a magazine. This will then be stuck to a prominent electrical appliance with a fridge magnet, ringed several times in red, marked with a big bold cross and the words ‘This is the One!’ As stated earlier, we anglers don’t do subtle!

Tackle shop vouchers – shows that you have thought a bit about his fishing needs, but the value of the vouchers will give him a real clue as to his worth to you. Will also force him to go out and buy more tackle than the amount on the vouchers, as they don’t give change. For example, please be aware that a £ 50 voucher could well be ‘put towards’ a £ 500 pole, and that will, of course, be your fault because that was all he could find to spend it on, because you made him go to that shop!

Presents acceptable to all anglers everywhere
Money, but not in a Christmas card with any form of fishing scene on it. But there again, that just goes to show that you really didn’t put any thought into buying his present at all, did you…..