| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
BOOK-ENDS
Prof. David Bumblebee recently wrote an extremely interesting article lamenting the great angling books that, for a variety of reasons, unfortunately never came to be written. Obviously, we were never going to see the likes of ‘Deep Water Pirking for Cod’ by Richard Walker or ‘An Appreciation of Modern Rod Making Materials’ by Chris Yates. Fred Buller wouldn’t spend his time on years of painstaking research into ‘The Doomsday Book of Mammoth Gudgeon’.
With all that in mind, I have launched my very own ‘Alternative’ list of angling books that will definitely never, ever, see the light of day:
‘Graham’s Guides’
A planned series of small, information packed, pocket size reference booklets penned by our very own esteemed editor never got off the ground as the copy for the first edition humorously entitled ‘The Phishing Philanthropist’ failed to materialise.
‘Fishing Without Plugs’
A compendium of stories and anecdotes from some of the most famous angling writers of our time. Unfortunately the restriction of not being able to mention brand names was deemed to be just too much censorship.
‘Fishing Above Warrington’ by Gary Knowles
Subtitled ‘The compass in my 4 x 4 only points North when I come home after a session’
‘The Future of Fishing in Britain’
Our own beloved Ron Clay has struggled manfully to make a start on this fascinating tome relating his thoughts and observations about the way forward for angling, without making any reference to the past, or certain parts of the Southern Hemisphere
‘Confessions of a Scouser’
Eddie Bibby pours out his heart and reveals he is a closet Tyke with a love of all things Yorkshire.
‘Widening Your Circle of Fishing Friends and Acquaintances’
An enlightening work by your very own ‘Alternative Angler’ which is positively not on a printing press anywhere!
NAME CHANGE
I’ve been re-thinking the question of tackle sponsorship, product placement, free manufacturers advertising through logos etc. and I think I have found the answer to keep us all happy. Tackle companies are keen to promote their image at certain fisheries, how about certain fishermen? All we anglers have to do is alter our own names in a way that will incorporate the chosen company’s brand, and have them changed by deed poll after agreeing a fee with the relevant tackle manufacturer.
This opens up a whole panorama of interesting name combinations. For a start, the trout and salmon boys will be vying with each other for the best possible double-barrelled combination, such as:
Henry Smith-Partridge
Julian Hardy-fforbes
Patrick Greys-Newton
That would be a good beginning for the salmon boys. Those trout aficionados will, of course, have to settle for names incorporating the likes of Cortland, Leeda, and perhaps Altmor (well you wouldn’t want to call yourself Daiwa, would you? Unless you were of Welsh/Chinese extraction, then you could be Dai Wa).
Match fishermen will be able to follow the football fan’s lead and name their newborn children after the entire England fishing team, after ensuring that the name Drennan appears somewhere in the list on the little mite’s birth certificate.
Companies with yeoman-like English names such as Fox, Hutchinson, and Badger will of course have many anglers who already carry the flag for them. Of course, those with a nostalgic bent could hit the nail right on the head and go for ‘Norris Shakespeare’ or Edgar Sealey’ as your name of choice.
Others such as Shimano will probably have to encourage anglers to name themselves after particular items of tackle. One of Kryston’s products may not find many takers, so the financial rewards could be very high (might suit a thick skinned retired army person who had attained the rank of Colonel and will find he will already have his own, oft repeated, theme tune…… ).
Then, of course, there are some items that will make perfectly acceptable names on their own, with the likes of:
Hunter Wellie
Rod Bag
Polaris Float (might suit a lady)
Derri Boot
Master Line (the correct term of address for a junior angler)
Toby Spinner
Rod Rest
Jay Arcy (think about it!)
Rod Pod
Nash Bivvy
Rod Quiver
Zeb Co (might have already be taken by some runner/MP chap – will have to check his members’ interests.
Given some of the names and indeed spellings that parents are landing their offspring with these days, such as Lezlee, Jaymee, etc, and if you dare spell their names wrong, it is your fault, apparently. I recently had to address a fax to a young lady at a supplier I was dealing with. Her name is Crystal, but of course the ‘correct ‘ spelling is not Krystal, not Crystall not even Krystall, but is actually Khrystall! Given this, I think my list of names linked to, and sponsored by, the tackle manufacturers are positively normal.
And finally, will all those companies I’ve mentioned please show their fulsome appreciation of this free publicity by sending all goods and monies to me, care of FM.
