| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
BORED GAMES
I sense a change in the air. The lure of the games console is wearing thin, and families are beginning to look around for things that they can do ‘together’. The time is right to relaunch some of those time-honoured parlour games. But why don’t we take the opportunity to introduce a fishing theme and get those youngsters hooked at an early age.
Snap Tackle
A brand new version of all all-time favourite card game for all ages. One deck of cards is marked with pairs of different kinds of tackle, sponsored by various manufactures, of course. Other variants will have pairs of fish, including hybrids. This set comes with Alwyn Wheeler’s phone number in case you are in need of mediation due to disputes over mistaken identity, you know the kind of thing, is roach/rudd the same as rudd/roach?
Pin the Tail on the (genetically modified) Carp
One for all the family, sure to be a favourite at kid’s parties with the crazy looking animal taking pride of place on the wall. Guessing where the tail should actually go will be the most interesting bit
Eels and Ladders
If you thought snakes were slippery, try eels! You will slide down so fast your ears will pop. Deluxe version has actual eel slime (we think!) on the board for added realism.
Boilieards
Table top game of snooker or billiards where your unused baits (the older the better) can be pressed into service. Slight imperfections in shape only add to the fun on the green baize. Banksticks can be pressed into service if no cues are available.
In the same vein there are a set of chess piece moulds that can be filled with boilie mixture, to make interestingly shaped baits for use after you have played chess with a bankside colleague (fold-up chess boards for boilie tables are available). Could be onto a winner with critically balanced Castle, popped up Queen (sounds dodgy!), hair rigged Bishop, with pawns to be scattered as free offerings.
Crayfish Drive
Exactly the same as Beetle Drive, but now has the anglers’ most popular crustacean as its centrepiece. (Plans for a ‘live’ version, where you play in reverse and take it in turns to pull the legs off a little bugger, one at a time, had to be shelved. Complaints from bunny hugging animal rights spoil-sports put an end to that one).
Fyshoploy
Finally, the real show stopper, and a game that will enthral families around the country is Fyshopoly. This is a brand new piscatorial version of the original and familiar board game.
Instead of properties, your task is collecting sets of different kinds of fisheries. Starting with ponds, canals, pools, rivers, commercials, trout lakes and working your way up to salmon beats. Instead of rent, you charge day tickets if someone lands on your square. If you have all the fisheries in a group, you can upgrade to season ticket, or even syndicate instead of having to buy houses or hotels to up the rent charged. As you work your way round the board, you will see the fishing slant to the game unfold before your very eyes, just like real life.
To add realism, and to reflect the current close-season laws, a quarter of the board comprises blank squares where you can’t do anything.
Gone are the Boot, Dog, Top Hat and Boat playing pieces to be replaced by Bedchair, Rod Pod, Reel and Bivvy.
Each time you pass ‘GO’ you will receive £ 200 income, which includes rod licence, or £ 220 without licence. You can then gamble on trying to get round the board without landing on a ‘Bailiff’ square, or unlucky enough to pick up the relevant ‘Chance’ card.
Train stations and the utilities will now become well-known tackle dealers.
‘Free Parking’ becomes ‘Free Fishing’, of course.
‘In Jail’ and ‘Go Directly to Jail’ stay (see below).
‘Bailiff’ squares (3) pay £ 100 fine if you don’t have a licence or ‘Go to Jail’.
In addition all manner of interesting fishy twists can be introduced in the ‘Chance’ and ‘Community Chest’ cards as follows;
Visit by the EA, ‘Where’s your licence?’ Go to jail if you do not have licence or are unable to produce ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.
Cormorant attack, pay £ 50 for shotgun cartridges (just to scare them…).
One of your venues is chosen to host ‘Fish ‘O’ Mania final, receive the magnificent sum of £ 100 for TV rights.
Your water is featured In AT or AM after visit from Martin Bowler/ Matt Hayes/ John Wilson, etc, increase day ticket price by 50%.
Targeted by anti’s, pay £ 50 for shotgun cartr…..sorry, pay £ 50 for extra security measures.
Build goldmine, sorry, build tackle shop/ snack bar on site, collect £ 25 from each player.
Authorities insist that you build fishing platforms at every swim, miss a turn while you trawl the local industrial estates for discarded pallets that you can press into service.
All makes perfect sense to me!
Stop Press….. Launch of this game has been suspended by the EU, as the monetary units are not expressed in Euros. I vigorously protest to Brussels bureaucrats that is because there is no f%*@#♣g Euro sign on my keyboard, so perhaps I qualify for a fat grant to replace my computer (fat chance!).
