| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
PERIPHERALS I recently persuaded (conned!) my Financial Director into replacing my aging PC with a shiny new laptop with vitally important DVD burner (of course!). In my dreams I would be off to watch my son play football in the pouring rain while I sat in the car, bashing out articles on my new toy. Or I could be sitting in the front room, listening to my dear wife, watching telly, and still be bashing out articles on my new toy. At home my PC is up in the loft with the comfy sofas, widescreen TV, DVD player, X-Box etc, but it’s a long way down when you get called for tea, then afterwards, you have to climb back up all those stairs…….. Anyway, articles written on the new toy so far – none! Words written for articles on my new toy so far – none! The reason, you only get half the kit! When I use the laptop at work I have to plug in the power lead, the printer cable, the floppy drive, the mouse dongle, can’t get on with that trackpad thingy and the camera USB lead. By the time I’ve done all that there are so many cables attached to it, that it begins to resemble some poor soul on their last legs in an hospital intensive care ward (bleeps about as much, too!). And doesn’t much the same happen when you go fishing, aren’t we being sold short of what should be the bare minimum of accoutrements that we need? If you play golf, you are not expected to bring your own sand along to fill the bunkers, are you? Tennis players don’t turn up at a match to find that one or other of them has forgotten to bring a net. I certainly would never have taken up sprinting if I had to lug my own high hurdles to the track. If you are going clay-pigeon shooting, then don’t forget to struggle along with your own sack of clays. Don’t think so! As we move into the 21st century, is it really asking too much to expect toilets at the majority of venues (pause for loud cheers from lady anglers!) And I know it’s a pain, but are litter bins really beyond the bounds of possibility. Clearly defined and safe fishing areas are also far too much to expect, aren’t they? Fish-N-Station
The whole camouflage scene and its slavish followers can go take a jump. Why haven’t we seen camo cream to disguise your face yet? The way it’s going there will be camo Rizla papers next for those who smoke, and the tobacco itself will be impregnated with a dye to colour and disguise the smoke! Anyway, if we want to dress up like golfers and wear Pringle jumpers, we bloody well will! In addition, you will see four strategically placed slits for your rods to poke through, which also act as rod rests. So all those rod pod makers can go take the same running jump. Thoughtfully arranged spy holes allow the angler to scan the water with no fear of scaring the fish. In the middle of the panelling is a carefully sited cat-flap type arrangement to enable you to poke your landing net through. Having safely gathered the fish in the net, you pull fish and net back and place them on the softweave, non-slip matting illustrated at the base of the panelling. So all those un-hooking mat moguls can get in that now very long queue for the running jump. The above should be the bare minimum we require. Slightly higher day and season ticket prices (easily recouped by not having to buy all that redundant gear mentioned above) will see improved versions with roofs (bivvy makers take note), reclining chairs and tables (bedchair and bivvy table sellers watch out). Permanent barbecues, power hook ups, (mains operated bite alarms, and no more battery eating buzzers) the list just goes on and on. To get to your ‘Fish-N-Station’, a powered seating arrangement along the lines of a horizontal stair lift will whisk you to your chosen spot. Or failing that, here is a fabulous chance for all those new EU citizens eager to come to the UK and work for tuppence a day by acting as porters and carry gear round to swims for anglers. Either option will work equally well, and all those carp barrows can go down to the breakers yard to be converted into shopping trolleys Seems unfair to me that we all have to spend thousands of pounds on taking almost exactly the same gear fishing week in and week out. If we obviously have to have it all, doesn’t it make more sense if it was already provided for us? |
