The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

AIN’T FISHING GRAND?

Are you lucky enough to be able to go fishing every day of the year? Nothing else to do but fish, fish, fish. It sounds idyllic, doesn’t it, and is probably something a lot of us anglers can only dream of. A small matter, but how much do you think you would have to pay for this? Obviously a rod licence is a necessity, and the small matter of bait, for all these trips, probably a couple of quid, on average, seems about right, wouldn’t you say. As for the fishing itself, £ 3.21 per day isn’t excessive by any means in this day and age.

This is quite a specific amount of money, and the reason is that is the amount you would have to pay per day to fish a famous estate lake near to where I live. Given that the potential this water, (it hasn’t been fished for many years) is unknown, but it certainly contains huge catfish, carp, pike and who knows what else, this is still a ridiculously small amount to pay for the chance to fish an almost virgin water. Such is the appeal, that a certain angling weekly did an article on the venue, and reported back in glowing terms giving all the necessary details for those who would like a crack at the water.

As a short historical note, around 20 years ago, you were able to hire a day’s exclusive fishing at this lake, for a party of up to ten anglers for £ 50.00.

Given that, and with the fairly benign inflation rates we have seen in the years since, I don’t think that £ 3.21 per day is too much to pay at all. If anything it seems too good to be true. The email I got back from the estate office thanked me for my enquiry, and urged me to act quickly, because places were limited.

The temptation was almost overwhelming, recommended by a respected weekly publication, well known angler singing its praises, an estate lake not five miles from me, ringed by secluded woods, a leafy vista only punctuated by ornamental Chinese pagodas. And best of all, any amount of unknown monsters that haven’t seen bait for years, a truly mouth watering, once in a lifetime prospect.

All this for the unbelievable sum of £ 3.21 per day!

Except you have to pay in advance, all of it, for the year. That is £ 1000 plus VAT. I find that for some strange fiscal reason I have to decline, on this occasion. If there are any other FM readers who want to take advantage of this fabulous offer (very limited places, don’t forget) I will gladly pass on the email address and phone number for the estate office…….

‘Fish-N-Widows’
Human rights are not a subject that has a great deal to do with fishing, you would think. However, these days it seems you can’t step outside your front door without violating someone. For those that leave loved ones at home when you close the door behind you and escape off fishing, there could be dire consequences. Wishing to avoid this at all costs, and being a pro-active sport, an organisation has just been set up to guard against you being found guilty of dereliction of duty whilst you are out.

‘Fish-N-Widows’ are a group designed to protect you from any charge of neglecting your family duties by supplying a substitute to fill in whilst you are out fishing. For a very modest outlay, you can specify which tasks need doing, and a trained operative will complete them in your absence. No more decorating, shopping, lawn mowing, taking the kids to visit any of the following Granny/Aunties/Pictures/Theme Park/Fast Food Outlet/Buying New Shoes, etc, etc.

Peace of mind, a clear conscience, and no more nagging, who wouldn’t pay for that? In fact, as most of the staff supplied seem to be drawn from the ranks of people who have spare time on their hands, such as firemen, milkmen, postmen, security guards etc, we find that a lot of the bookings tend to be made by the ladies of the household.

Surprisingly, some of them don’t have husbands or boyfriends who go fishing, indeed some of them don’t appear to have husbands or boyfriends at all. And so keen are they to get their jobs done around the house that they ask if these operatives can come straight from work. Seems they have no objections at all if they don’t bother to go home and get changed first, and are quite happy for them to turn up in uniform…….

Although we should perhaps warn that it appears that some of the decorating skills may not be up to scratch as some times they have to go back for week after week, just to complete the most simple of chores. None of the ladies seem to mind though, as we never seem to get any complaints about all these repeat visits!