| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
The Life and Times of Gobby the Gudgeon
Here is a new feature, a look at the world through a fish’s eyes. We will recount the stirring tales of Gobby, as he relates his experiences of pond life:
Firstly, I will tell you about our neighbours down here. There are several strange species around and about, some of them are barking mad. There are our supposed cousins, the Ruffe. Ruffe by name and rough by nature, anything with purple eyes has obviously spent too long near the power station outfall. As for some people thinking they are a cross between us Gudgeon and Perch, forget it! There is no way we would associate with that gang of stripey nancy boys who flounce around like a bunch of extras from an Adam Ant video.
And the ‘look at my prickly spines’ act doesn’t cut no ice either. Just how are they going to deploy something that grows out the back of their head when they haven’t got reverse gear! Bunch of posers, all show and no go. Those Perch are a nuisance when we are growing up, though, as they play the ‘hide you in my mouth’ trick, not much point in that game as you only get to have one go, and you never come back.
Then we have the Carp, they really are the intellectual ones, or so they yell at us. They worship a strange dark object that regularly appears in the sky. Even when it goes out miles from the bank they all follow along behind it, until finally it craps cannonballs on their heads. Now, they know that eating these cannonballs sometimes brings on a form of ‘Mad Carp Disease’. They will suddenly stop eating, and rush round and round so fast that they end up jumping right through the sky. After they have done this, they tell us they get fondled, sometimes even kissed and called names by some strange creatures that live in a land the other side of the sky. Despite these obvious hallucinogenic episodes, they will do it time and again. Like I said, barking mad!
Higher up the pecking order we have the Trout. One lot has a go-faster stripe down the side; in a shade you would associate with 1970’s Vauxhall Viva, the other lot seems to have permanent measles. Spend most of their time in the upper layers, like the snobs they are, far to good for the likes of us, although, again, will occasionally play the ‘hide you in my mouth trick’. Despite their aristocratic upbringing this lot normally eat flies! Straight off a cow pat (or worse!) and straight down their gobs. Eaaaarrgh. If that is sophistication, forget it! Will also do the rushing round and jumping through the sky business (what can you expect if you eat insects!) but unlike the carp, they never seem to come back…
Still talking about slightly mad neighbours, we musn’t forget the Bream. When you first meet one you think they are being very polite and bowing to you. But they’re not. They have to stand on their heads to eat! Design fault or what! Probably means they have to stand on their tails to sh*t or sh*g!
As for our own environment, we know the earth is flat. Well it isn’t completely flat down here of course, but our sky certainly is. The world beyond the sky must be strange and tempestuous. There must be huge storms that pick up things and drop them into our world. We have the aforementioned cannonballs raining down on our heads nearly all day long. Sometimes we get showers of worms and maggots, these storms must be really bad because the worms arrive ripped into pieces. On days when the weather ‘up top’ is really atrocious we occasionally get dead fish thrown at us, which isn’t very pleasant at all.
These are alien species that we have never seen before, and normally arrive neatly cut in two, although we don’t often see the heads. What carnage goes on up there to cause this! Having said that, the pike don’t seem to mind. Alive or dead, whole or half, they play the ‘hide you in my mouth’ game with anything, them and those ugly mother catfish never seem to tire of that particular game at all.
Opinion is divided about life through the sky. We have evidence of UFO’s (Unidentified Fishy Objects) down here that may even be a clue to the beginnings of fish life. Did our forefathers travel here from another galaxy in those strange metal cages with their wobbly landing gear and mysterious markings? Did our ancient ancestors set off from a doomed world called Tesco in order to carry on life as we know it?
Oh well, have to go know, us Gudgeon might be almost bottom of the pecking order down here, but there are always plenty of Minnows that need putting in there place!
