The Alternative Angler – A Compassion for Angling

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

A Compassion for Angling

Our two mates arrive at tackle shop to purchase a few items for their forthcoming trip. Bill wanders round the shop looking at the accessories whilst Ben completes a ‘Movement of Livestock‘ declaration required before he can buy any worms. The declaration insisting that worms could only be used if attached to the hook by a humane harness, and of course, any unused worms had to be returned to the shop and must not be released into the wild. This was following the infamous ‘Bowls Green Vandalism’ incident, where the sudden appearance of worm casts on hallowed turf was blamed on thoughtless anglers discarding lobworms after a session on a local venue.

Bill notices the stark warning notices showing the stiff penalties for being caught in possession of any form of lead, as he walks past the spools of RSPB approved biodegradable nylon. The racks of animal and fish by-product free baits didn’t really inspire him, they are utterly bland and all of them looked and smell the same these days. These approved baits had undergone rigorous clinical trials to ensure that they provided a totally balanced diet for nearly every freshwater fish.

It was taking time to try and covert pike to vegetarianism, it has to be said that Tofu sprats and Quorn mackerel weren’t being too well received, but the work continued. Still, with homemade baits having been banned due to health concerns over the unregulated contents, and with anglers not possessing Basic Food Hygiene Certificates, or properly equipped food preparation areas, it was that or nothing.

Bill let Ben go first because he needed a new catapult, and due to that particular item now coming under the Firearms regulations, the old one had to be subjected to verified secure destruction. All he had to do then was to produce his passport, driving licence, Catapult Certificate and provide a DNA sample in order to be allowed to purchase a new model.

Ben wandered over to the Tracker machine, entered his cash point card and pin number then fed in the details of their proposed trip and a locator beacon was activated and dispensed so that the EA enforcement officers on helicopter patrol would be able to pinpoint them as fishing legally. The hike in rod licences to £ 500 a year helping to fund this new service, which had, at a stroke, stopped complaints from anglers about never seeing a bailiff, as they could now both see and hear them, when overhead, perhaps rather too well. Ben also entered his planned route into the ‘Carbon Footprint’ calculator, to authorise a deduction sufficient to make their trip carbon neutral.

Thankfully, the venue they had chosen had already been subjected to a Newt Survey and had received the statutory Risk Assessment, and was declared as low risk to members of the public, but they would have to check that the 30 metre exclusion zone and all necessary signage was still in operation when they arrived. The day ticket price included temporary Public Liability insurance, and once they had both signed a disclaimer exonerating the owner of the fishery from all liability, they were on their way.

Once at their swims, the pair checked that the warning signs and safe perimeter boundary tape were in order before settling down. The vexed question of baiting up was pondered. To introduce ground bait into a water, a Non-Polluting Compliance Certificate was required stating that the substance used was no threat to the environment and was fully biodegradable. Once you had that certificate, you just needed an Abstraction Licence to allow you to take some water from the lake/stream you were fishing to mix up the ground bait. Knocking up a batch at home was out of the question as that would introduce water from another (non-certified) source.

Bill and Ben started to tackle up, both commenting that the Carbon Neutral bamboo rods that had to use these days may well be traditional, and better for the environment, but they weren’t a patch on the old ones they used to have. Checking the ‘use by’ date of the line on their reels was automatic, it didn’t degrade as fast as PVA, but it wasn’t far behind. Bill had tackled up first, amazingly without chipping a tooth while fixing the lead substitute on his line. Ben did the honours and donned the fluorescent jacket, protective helmet and goggles and stood a safe distance behind ready to warn any passers-by that a cast was about to happen.

Bill then returned the favour for Ben, fortunately just before the bailiff’s helicopter passed overhead, and the pair of them sat back to enjoy a relaxing day’s sport……