The Alternative Angler – Alternative ‘My Stories’

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Alternative ‘My Stories’

Rather than to just continue espousing the usual unstructured inane ramblings of yore, I have a brand new project, starting straight away with the penning of biographies for FM members. Some worthies have already contributed ‘My Story’ articles to this site, and will therefore be exempt from the scheme. To all the others, you now have three choices;

1) Get your stories to Graham before the end of January, and all will be fine, as far as I am concerned, no further action need be taken.

2) If you are none too competetent on the writing front, just send me the outline and I will fill in all the missing bits. There are three levels of payment for this service. For ten quid your story will present you as being a thoroughly decent chap or chapess, and being someone who possesses a passable level of angling ability.

Crank up the payment to fifty quid you will be made to appear an expert angler, with many impressive captures to your name, along with the foresight to pioneer a number of tackle and tactical breakthroughs, that in your modesty, you have allowed others to develop and take the credit for.

For a hundred quid you will be elevated to the pantheon of angling superstars, such is your understand of all things piscatorial that you taught whippersnappers like Ron all they know. People will drop the mention of your name into conversations, claiming that they have fished with you, even though they obviously didn’t. In short, you will become a living legend, with offers to endorse products you’ve never used and invitations to fish venues that have only ever been frequented by the likes of John Wilson and Matt Hayes before.

3) Those who choose not to volunteer their stories, or to subscribe to any of the above extremely affordable services will get an email from me asking just which plan of action you are going to adopt. Failure to respond will result in the publication of your totally unauthorised biography, where I will have knocked up a draft copy containing all manner of spurious and quite possibly salacious details which will then have been passed to our tame imagineer Deanos who will have put his fertile mind to work filling in the blanks in his own inimitable style – you have been warned…..!

And to those who think this is just a prank I’ve dreamed up in a feeble attempt to amuse the members, think on. One young lady who frequents this site has already sent me her details and asked (nay challenged) me to write ‘Her Story’ for publication on FM. Now, being the gentleman that I am, of course, I will not reveal her name at this time, but be advised her story is currently getting a right make-over and will appear on FM in the not too distant future……

A further exiting new development for this year will be the monthly FM ‘Best Fish’ awards, run on similar lines to a well-known tackle manufacturers competition and featured in Angling Whines or some such. But this competition will have several major improvements over other similar efforts. For a start, the monthly winner is not judged on what some vague ‘committee’ decides is the ‘best’, oh no. It is much more scientific then that. Best fish means just that, the heaviest fish of that species caught that month, full stop. That is, of course, after the P.I.S.S. (Percentage Index Sliding Scale) has been extrapolated.

It is long been recognised that the further north you go, the harder it is to catch specimen fish, therefore a handicapping system has been introduced to bring about a level playing field situation. FM will provide an online calculator where you just enter your name, species caught and postcode where fish caught and the C.R.A.P. (Calculated Regional Adjustment Percentage) will do the rest, showing instantly where you stand in the ‘league table’ that month, in the manner of a ‘Fantasy League’, how exciting will that be?

Obviously the results will need to be verified, and the sponsors are aware that some anglers are not above temptation when it comes to trying to claim on of the very substantial prizes on offer. It is with some reluctance, therefore, that the organisers have stated that photographic evidence alone will not be sufficient to make a claim. You must appreciate that the only fair way is to insist that the fish itself must be produced, preferably in the form of two chunky fillets, dusted in lightly seasoned flour, to the competition sponsors at:

The Confederation of Angling Rewards Provided by European Angling Trade Eastern Regional Societies. Additional points can and will be awarded for taste/texture and presentation of your specimen. Tight lines!